Thursday, April 05, 2007

Interrogation Day

I had a rough night. The dog tried to kill me again -- tennis ball on the stairs. I'm no dummy. I've learned (the hard way) to turn on the light, so I saw it before it could get me. In the bathroom, a huge spider jumped out (probably straight from hell) and scared the bejesus out of me. It was roughly the size of Mt. Hood, black, and hairy. It startled me into biting my lip, which bled like a stuck pig. It doesn't hurt this morning, but the cut is funking up my lipstick.

That's not helping my surly mood brought on by the redneck neighbor's big-ass dog barking all night. That sort of counteracted my actually getting to bed before midnight for the first time in I don't know how long. Moron.

If you try four or five times to get your bra hooked and you just can't do it, it doesn't necessarily herald the sudden onset of Altzheimer's. Take a deep breath, and then take it off and make sure you don't have it on inside out. Duh.

I haven't quizzed my pretties much this week, so today's the day to pick your brains a little bit and have a little fun with you at the same time.

Get your fortune here:
No person is without enemies. Except for you and Arnold Schwarzenegger
'What is your Fortune?' at

What are some of your favorite things?
Pick and Choose Survey
Cat or DogDog
Short or Long HairLong
Innie or OutieInnie
Sunshine or RainSunshine
Moon or SunMoon
Basketball or FootballNeither
Righty or LeftyRighty
Hugs or KissesKisses
1 Best Friend or 10 Acquaintances1 best friend
bf/gf or Best FriendBest friend
TV or RadioTV
Starbucks or Jamba JuiceStarbucks
McDonalds or Burger KingBK
Summer or WinterSummer
Snail Mail or E-MailE
Playstation or XboxNeither
Disney or NickelodeonNick
Car or MotorcycleCar
House Party or ClubHouse party
Sing or DanceDance
Freak or Slow DanceSlow dance
Yahoo Messanger or OtherOther
Google or YahooGoogle
Take This Survey at

What famous movie kiss are you?
Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Spiderman

"I have always been standing in your doorway. Isn't it about time somebody saved your life?"

Twisted Linguistics brought in these Words Gone Wild in handcuffs today.

pention fund - Saving up for a penthouse.

Stephin King - A stand-in for a famous scary writer.

alledged - Stuck on a ledge.

they have really took to it - LOL!

Today's Installment of Dear TWIT

Downtrodden author's reply to the company's last letter:

Dear EAS,

Oh, my God! FINALLY! My very own tone letter. Only $20 a pop? What, are your girls ugly or something? I can do better than that on the slowest corner downtown on a Saturday night.

Oops. Now you're never going to let me go, are you?

UNslave Me and I'll Pay You $20

Dear UNslave Me:

First of all, stop changing your name, we here at Putrid Publishing know who you are!

Secondly, you will never know what Betty, Betsy, or Bitsy look like because we are very careful to keep their pictures off the internet and we cover their heads during their "other duties." Do you think we're stupid or something, if we didn't we wouldn't even get the twenty bucks!

As for "unslaving you," we get far more entertainment out of knowing you are unhappy and stressed out than $20.00 could ever provide. So keep your $20.00, you're going to need it what with royalties coming up and all.

Yours truly,
The Asshat Brigade

Dear Miss Uppity Tone Lady at the Asshat Brigade,

Never?! What if I offered you $40 and promised to stop saying nasty things about you? Man, them girls of yours must be truly awful looking if you have to cover their heads before you send them out to ... work. My names really bug you, huh? Apparently, you ain't all that up on who I am. PimpDaddy Billy-Bob put my real name in his trashy book and looks dazed and confused whenever he hears my dead and buried name.

Lady, you should never ask a pissed off slave if she thinks you're stupid. Duh! I do, in spades. NOW will you release me?

Let me ask you another question, AssHat Lady. If you people were to get out of the printing/pimping business and become a rap group, what would you call yourselves?

I Will Annoy You To Death If I Have To

Dear Annoy you to Death:

I see you changed your name again. Like every other AssHat hear I am going to ignore what you writed and answer your questions the way I wont to. We have many success stories. I can prove it, Hell I writed most of them. Can't you tell,? they are spelt rong. We have neber been late with a royalty payment. We do, how ever, forget to send them at random because it amuses us. You will be hearing from us shortly. Ha Ha go check your e-amil now.

Assistant Deputy director of Pimping
Putrid Publishing

P.S. We don't know how to wrap, but we are holding a meeting with the big 3 to find out what it means.


Kanrei said...

That is a day to call in sick, roll over, and start anew tomorrow. Actually, take the weekend off too and start anew Monday. Wait, Mondays suck so better to start Tuesday. Wait...starting on a Tuesday would only make Tuesday into a Monday so better to just retire now. That is it- call your boss and tell him your story and that is why you are retiring. Makes sense to me.

My fortune- Someone can read your mind.

I feel for them. My mind is a pop-up book.

Kanrei said...

Long hair
Lefty all the way!!!!
1 Best Friend
a pet
diet coke
Micky D's
club cracker but House Party 2 was funny
I suck at both so watch
slow dance
no IM

Roxan said...

Fortune: Everyone agrees-you are the best

***Your Famous Movie Kiss is from Romeo + Juliet***

"Has my heart loved 'till now? Forswear it, sight! For I never saw a true beauty 'till this night."

short hair-long hair on my men!
righty (hand)
lefty (politics)
1 best friend
best friend
my own coffee
slow dance

Serena Joy said...

Romeo & Juliet. Bah humbug. You might know I'd get freakin' Spiderman. Oh, well. A kiss by any other name...

Shoot, Kan, even if I did that, whatever day I did start back up would probably go about the same. I'm good to go now, though. Lord, they don't want to read my mind, either. Plenty weird stuff in there.

Y'all's survey results are looking pretty interesting.:)

Corn Dog said...

My fortune was "Always aim for the throat." YIKES! Umm, okay.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Cat or Dog - dog
Short or Long Hair - medium
Innie or Outie - innie
Sunshine or Rain - rain
Moon or Sun - moon
Basketball or Football - neither
Righty or Lefty - righty
Hugs or Kisses - all of the above
1 Best Friend or 10 Acquaintances - 1 best friend
bf/gf or Best Friend - what the hell is this question asking me?
TV or Radio - radio
Starbucks or Jamba Juice - tall skinny mocha with LBOW
McDonalds or Burger King - BK--they have veggie burgers!
Summer or Winter - spring and fall
Snail Mail or E-Mail - e-mail
Playstation or Xbox - neither
Disney or Nickelodeon - aardman or studio ghibli
Car or Motorcycle - bicycle
House Party or Club - book club at my house???
Sing or Dance - yes!
Freak or Slow Dance - the same time
Yahoo Messanger or Other - none of 'em
Google or Yahoo - google

And I'm a screen kiss from some movie I've never even heard of--sounds like some wicked comedy with girl-on-girl action or something. Weird.

My fortune? "Fight for your right to par-tay." Yeah, right.

Southern Writer said...

Sorry your day has sucked. I prescribe a long bubble bath and a good night's sleep.

I'm a Gone With the Wind kisser: "Great balls of fire. Don't bother me anymore, and don't call me sugar."

Hale McKay said...

I was afraid I might get a kiss from the "Crying Game," or "Brokeback Mountain,"so I didn't go there.

Coincidence? You bit your lip because you were startled by a spider and your kiss is from "Spiderman?"

Hale McKay said...

Did you notice the additions to the "Confucius Says" post in the comments at VT?

Serena Joy said...

Good heavens, CD, that sounds like a fortune cookie for vampires. LOL.

Interesting answers, Greeny!

Damn, Leisa, you got the best kiss of all. {{sigh}}

Dang if you're not right about the coincidence, Mike. I didn't even see it. I think I DO need a bubble bath and a rest.:) I did see the additional proverbs. Cute!

MXI said...

You will find true love at age 87
(I was going to give up hope)

Movie Kiss:

Spiderman (I'm not the least bit attracted to spiders..)

Serena Joy said...

Wow, MXI, 87? LOL. I wonder how the heck 2 people who don't like spiders got ... Spiderman?

tfg said...

One of these days, I'm going to patent a Velcro bra closure. I've been wanting those for years.

Serena Joy said...

You'll make a fortune, T.:)

JL4 said...

Cats are stoopid
Short for me
No matter to stand in it.
Righty...I'll save the crack for another time
Best Friend
1 best friend
Dunkin Donuts
Slow Dance
I don't know

Serena Joy said...

I actually love rainy days, too, JL4. I tend to have more energy on sunny days, though. It's cloudy here today, so why don't we get some DD coffee, you sing, and I'll dance?:)