Friday, April 06, 2007

Save the Peeps!


With Easter fast approaching, it is time to resurrect and once again address a pressing social issue, to-wit: the wholesale hunting and mass cannibalization of ... Peeps.

You've all seen these sweet creatures with their colorful yellow, pink, and blue plumage. I ask you, what harm have these innocent beings ever done? For what reason are they subjected to this carnage every Easter? Oh, the cruelty of it! They are raised under inhumane conditions in brightly colored cardboard boxes, unable to breathe through the cellophane wrappings covering their close quarters. They are teased into believing liberation is near when the cellophane is suddenly ripped away, only to find themselves pinched, poked, twisted, and wrenched -- without benefit of anesthesia. Why, I've seen the poor little things ripped from the relative security of their boxes and their heads cruelly bitten off. Right in front of their friends and families, no less, thereby traumatizing future generations of Peeps.

Since confession is said to be good for the soul, I suppose I must confess my own sin in hopes of expiating this dark blot staining my soul. It pains me to admit it, but I, too, have a warped and base taste for sweet, tender, marshmallowy Peeps flesh. Yes, I freely confess and most humbly beg forgiveness. It's true -- I love the sublimely sugary taste of Peeps, preferably young yellow ones. It is, I know, a hideous predilection, one that I should be ashamed of, and one that I'll probably go to hell for. And yet, I find myself craving fresh Peeps blood not only at the time of the Great Spring Peeps Hunt but all year long. I am so twisted that the mere thought of freshly unwrapped Peeps makes me practically orgasmic. Oh, the shame of it. I am a beast. This is a sickness. I must do whatever it takes to find absolution for my part in this abomination. I know this. And I will do it. Next year, perhaps.

Yes, next year we must all join forces and save the Peeps. We could perhaps recruit some of the more socially conscious rock bands and throw a benefit concert. For this year, just one more time, happy hunting!


Words Gone Wild acting up and kicked to the curb by Twisted Linguistics:


exscuses - A list of things exs are good for.

your wrong and they are write - It was your bad and the ubiquitous They are going to write an exposé about it.

condemation - A confederation of condiments (whose president is Catsup).

comoic books - Books that are neither funny nor co-authored nor for me.

romamnce - Mammies in love.

concider - Spiked cider. Drink it and you'll fall for anything.

I didn't get any, you guys our lucky - I didn't WANT any, which means you guys must be our lucky charms.



Today's Installment of Dear Twit

Half-crazed author's reply to the company's last letter:

Dear Pimp Deputy,

Well, the AssHat Woman wouldn't go for the money. So, how's about it, P-Dep? Twenty big ones? Hey, you're the one who edited my book, aren't you? I can tell by your unique spelling. Thanks a lot! I really appreciated the typos and inserted errors. I'd like to insert some stuff y'all's way. You wouldn't want to give me a working street address, would you? Listen, would begging work on you? Could you please, PLEASE release my pissy little book? Which, by the way, isn't making you any more money than your horsey looking girls are. I mean, really, how are y'all going to keep gas in the helicopter with books that aren't selling? Where, I ask you, is the percentage in that? Oh, hell, I know I'm talking to some dude wearing a big old silly looking Pimp Daddy suit. You're not going to do a thing for me, are you? Who else do you have up there that I could talk to?

Sincerely, Frustrated (Yes, I changed my name again -- deal with it! )
P.S. -- About that wrap thing, might I suggest P-Dippy and the Ho-dettes?


Dear Frustrated,

We're sorry, or as sorry as we ever get, but we are laughing so hard we can't even respond. We might answer you next week if we feel like it. No, on second thought, we might as well get it over with.

Well according to our last E-mail we were made to send we scamed 30 writrs 2day. So I guess we cud uze 40 bucks to pay dem hefty advances that would leave us 10 to pay sum of dem royalty thingys. Should take care of at least ate authors. U can send the money but I cant gurentee you will get anything for it. I don't know nuttin bout no helocopter. I'll have to ask uncle Bobby-Bill bout that. Beg? hell you can bark for all the good it'll do. I gots no power here cept to send e-mails.

Just another AssHat from AST Absolutely Stupid Twits


Dear Stupid AssHat Twit,

What, no tone, Mr. P-Dep? I don't know whether to laugh or cry. I really crave that tone, you know. Putrid Publishing won't give me any. Hell, they won't talk to me at all. They have really hurt my feelings by giving everybody else tone and me -- nada. I mean, I torment them just as good as anybody else. Maybe I need to work on my technique. Oh, well, thanks anyway, Mr. PimpAss Deputy. Could I talk to Billy-Bob now? Bet he could give me a little tone.

Sincerely, Confussed About Her Tonability


OK "Confused:"

Don't Take that tone with me. I'll tell Billy-Bob AND Bobby-Bill my self and they will slap ya down like they do Big Betty every night. I could respond to your questions, but the underpay me to side step them. Well I am late for my appointment With Uncle Bobby-Bill. I have to get degraded every night about this time.

Sincerely,
Soon to be another General Partner

22 comments:

JL4 said...

You're some sort of Peep vampire.

Absolutely hysterical post...unless of course you were being serious. If that is the case, call 1-800-hel-pmee. Use the name "Boris" to maintain your annon...anymno...annyonae...to keep people from knowing who you are.

Roxan said...

I have NEVER harmed a Peep. I am not a Peep biter. I am considering taking a flame to one, just because I can.

Serena Joy said...

God help me, but I was serious. Don't hate me. I AM a Peep vampire, addicted to the damn things. I'm going to call that number and cross my fingers that they have a rehab program for me, but I'm not sure I can pull off sounding like Boris.:)

Serena Joy said...

Roxan, stop tempting me! I'm trying to kick the habit! In case you didn't know, Peeps flambe is mighty fine eating -- which I was trying to give up.

Liz said...

Those peeps are so weird! I've never seen them before (except in your previous post).

And my fortune: I will find true love at 87. (It didn't give the name of the street though ...)

Roxan said...

BURN PEEP BURN!!!!!!

Catcher is getting out his Peep brain sucking dental tools!!!

Serena Joy said...

You all need to start a movement to bring Peeps to the UK, Liz. LOL.

Don't do it, Roxan! All you had to say was 'Catcher.' I repent!

Roxan said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Roxan said...

Here are some suggested ways to kill a Peep from Insane Domain.

41 Jam jelly beans up its ass until it explodes : Watch it die!
28 Run over with a truck : Watch it die!
27 Burn with fire : Watch it die!
25 Perform voodoo, using lots of pins : Watch it die! (Animated gif)
23 Soak in a powerful cleaning fluid : Watch it die!
22 Tear apart using hooks and ropes
21 Leave in kitter box to get pissed on : Watch it die!
20 Freeze and then beat with a hammer
15 Put in the toilet and shit on, then flush
13 Beat with a hammer
11 Melt in a pot
11 Boil in water
7 Drown
6 Slice up
3 Microwave : Watch it die!
3 Chew up and spit out

leelee said...

Serena...a classic..

I have this need now to see a peep burn..thanks alot Roxan ;-)

littlebirdblue said...

your wrong and they are write:

actually, your write and they are wrong: "Dear Twit..."

Serena Joy said...

Roxan, as much as I enjoy eating the poor little things, I couldn't do any of that stuff to them. I find it much better for my conscience to move in quickly and make a clean kill.

Lord, Leelee -- Peeps on the stake. It's the Inquisition all over again. LOL!

Thank you for putting that into the proper Twit context, Littlebird. Now it makes sense to me. Which means, of course, that I'm looking at some major therapy.:)

Kanrei said...

Oh shallow one, you would deprive the Peeps' life of meaning for some selfish self-serving pseudo-noble act? What does the Peep live for if not for Easter? They are ignored year round until this very time of year when they suddenly become both loved and loathed. They selflessly give their lives so that children, both current and inner, can look forward to the Sunday and see a happy box of Peeps awaiting them. The joy on their faces is what the Peeps live for. Like cows, Peeps would take great offense if we stopped eating them.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

As a vegetarian, my general rule of thumb is not to eat anything that has a face. But I myself fail when I am tempted with the succulent flesh of fresh (frozen) Peeps. Just talking about it makes me salivate and I just start Peeping...peeping...peep! Peep!

Serena Joy said...

Duty, Kan? Special purpose? Sort of like -- turkeys?:)

See, Greeny, those darned Peeps are like sirens. They can tempt even a vegetarian. Peep-peep!

Corn Dog said...

Peep Meatloaf

Mix with ketchup. Bake at 350 for 450 minutes. Reset the smoke detector.

Serena Joy said...

Yum, yum! Burn, baby, burn. Red wine or white with that?:)

Lee said...

Peeps should come down here to Australia...they would be save down here from rampant devourers of them such as you, Serena!

Happy Easter to you and yours! :)

Poor Peeps!

December Quinn said...

I'm a Cadbury cream egg girl, myself.

Never liked peeps--but now they don't have them over here and it's very frustrating. You're supposed to have peeps, even if you don't eat them, you know?

Steve G said...

You can have the peeps. Haven't seen any here.

Scary Monster said...

Never heard a peep about peeps before, but iffin Me sees one on fire Me will certainly STOMP it out.

Me is wondering what squishy peep be tasting like....

Serena Joy said...

Never mind the Peeps, Lee -- poor ME! I'm down to one box.:) Happy Easter to you, too.

Absolutely, DQ. Even if you loathe them, you have to HAVE them, just because it's Easter.

Poor Steve & Scary, both Peep deprived in their respective countries. We ought to get up a drive for Peeps care packages to send them. Trust me, Scary, they're good not only STOMPED but squished, pinched, bludgeoned, bitten, drawn and quartered, roasted, and stir fried.