Saturday, April 07, 2007

I could write a sonnet...

...about my Easter bonnet. Since I don't have one, I guess I won't, though.



But -- We can't have Easter without a little Bunny Humor, now, can we?

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A Hot Cross bunny.

Why did the rabbit cross the road?
Because it was the chicken's day off.

And why else did the rabbit cross the road?
Because the chicken had his Easter eggs.

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

What do you call the Easter Bunny after a hard day's work?
Tired.

Molly Mole: What's the difference between the Easter rabbit and a mattababy?
Barney: What's a mattababy?
Molly Mole: Nothing. What's the matter with you?

What do you call a dumb bunny?:
A hare brain.

What do you call a rabbit with fleas?
Bugs Bunny


Today's Easter Parade of Words Gone Wild:

confrotations - Antics performed by rotating contortionists.

grotesqe - Of or related to the act of groping.

running amuck - Moving at a fast pace through the hogs' wallow.


DEAR TWIT

Dear Wannabe General Partner,

Ha! You call that tone? I'm not scared of gettin' slapped down by Big Billy-Bob. Been there, done that. I'll bet he makes that sissy Betty cry, huh? I could teach her some self-defense moves, but why should I? She's slapped me down, too. I say hand her over to Uncle Bobby-Bill for some degradation after Big Billy-Bob gets through with her.

You have a nice day, now, Future General Partner. I'll just wait 'til you get off and e-mail one of your co-twits with my question in hopes of getting an actual answer sometime between now and the end of the world. Just so y'all know, I'm saving all y'all's replies. Some day, I'm gonna write a book.

Sincerely,
Slapped Silly


Dear AST AssHat,

Now that my memory is somewhat returning, I remember that you scammed ME. Therefore, I'll be keeping my 40 bucks. I'll be expecting a royalty check of at least $2, too. I'd like that sent by Registered mail if you don't mind. Ate authors? Y'all are eating authors up there? I knew times were tough, but damn!

What CAN you guarantee? Well, besides ugly-ass, over-priced, unedited books, I mean.

Just judging by the quality of your e-mail, you went past 6th grade, didn't you? Dang, no wonder Putrid Publishing hired you right off the bat. I bet you make at least $5.50 an hour, don't you?

Please write again after you talk to Uncle Billy-Bob. I'm waiting here, and I know how to pour sugar in helokopter gas tanks.

Sincerely,
Ain't Payin' You Nothin'


Dear Ain't Payin':

Your mail did not reach it's indended reciepant. If you continue to send e-mail like this, we will be forced to call an actor in your area to pretend to be a cop and threaten you.

We feel that anything other than praise for us is harassment. Please refrain from bumming us out.

As your contract states, we will pay you if and when we get to it. I don't have any record of oweing you 2 dollars. If I did, I would try to find a way to deduct the 1 dollar advance from it.

Legal authority would advise you that putting sugar in a gas tank is wrong. I think you should think long and hard about it first.

PA Janitor and soon to be general Partner Shemp jr.


Well, now, Dear Mr. PimpJanitor,

YOU was the intended reciepant. What, did one of your alter egos read it?

Um, what does the fake cop look like? You tell me and I'll let you know whether you should send him.

So sad, so sorry, but my only joy in life these days is bumming you people out. It's a very creative endeavor, unlike writing a Putrid book. Why, I could become a famous Hollywood actress what with all the creativity involved in trying to outwit twits. I ain't paying you no royalties on my movies, neither.

You do owe me the $2.00. I want it and I want it now because until I get it, I can't afford to take up the serious drinking I wish to debase myself with. Ain't you got no pity? Please send me the whole $2.00 because if you deduct the $1.00 advance, I'll be forced to steal the Mad Dawg 20-20 that has my mouth watering.

Now that I think about it, I'm sorry I told you about the sugar thing. That's okay, though -- I know plenty of other tricks. If you don't give me my money, I will send you another sting manuscript which will force you to start reading submissions again. I might even send a fake IRS agent to your office, or a fake undertaker to come and collect Shemp, Jr's fake carcass. Hell, I'd pay you $2.00 to see that.

Think it over, Janitor Boy, and give me an answer in the morning.

Sincerely,
Devoted to Tormenting You


Dear DOTY:

Are you talkin' to me? Your request is ridiculous! Why would I tell you what he looks like?

Your comments are easy to dispute. You could never become a Hollywood actress because you don't live in Hollywood! I can assure you, DOTY, that we will get our share of your movie rights royalties! We are entitled to 50% and don't you forget it!

Do not take that tone with us! We will send you your $2.00 (if we do indeed owe you such a huge amount), at our leisure! It sounds like you could have a real problem with drinking -- are you sure you wouldn't want to submit your story so we can give it the chance it deserves?

You have just threatened me with four acts of harassment, you're good. Need a job?

Janitor Boy is now Sir Bobby-Bill's love slave. Do not accost him again or Mr. Bobby will write another article about cavepeople and their publishing era.

This is our final word on the subject. Do not contact us again. We will make our decison about your contract termination at our leisure. Be sure and contact me in six months. All future correspondence from you will be discarded after it's been passed around the office and spat upon!

Sincerely,
Asshat of the day

12 comments:

cathy said...

I liked the bunny fun.
HAPPY EASTER.

Serena Joy said...

Glad you enjoyed it, Cathy. Happy Easter!

Corn Dog said...

This is the funniest "Dear Twit" yet. I LOVE this line, "Please refrain from bumming us out." Of course, I love the word Asshat. This series had me ROTFL

MXI said...

Happy Easter, CY!

Serena Joy said...

I'm glad you're getting a kick out of the twits, Corn Dog.

Happy Easter from CY to you, MXI.:)

tfg said...

Asshat du jour - I love it.

Serena Joy said...

Merci, Mr. T.:)

Hale McKay said...

If you were in Rhode Island, you couldn't use jokes about the Easter Bunny. They would have to be "Peter Rabbit" jokes.

Another irritating Politically Correct act in R.I. - what's the world coming to. (I comment on it in my own way with my post "Good Friday.") I didn't post until Saturday, because I wasn't feeling too good.

Serena Joy said...

I heard about that RI bunny debacle. How ridiculous. Some people just want to suck the fun and joy out of everything.:(

Lee said...

I'm so full of wine and a hazelnut cream liqueur at the moment, I really don't know what to say....other than I'm in a great mood...I've had a great Easter Sunday...and I should say no more...otherwise I may incriminate myself!

Steve G said...

Funny, funny post. Enjoyed the hell out of it.

Serena Joy said...

Thank you, Steve.

Wow, Lee, I want an Easter like yours. LOL.