Sunday, April 08, 2007

The Easter Bears



This is a really hard choice to make, but which do you think is the cutest bear?

Knut the polar bear baby




or

the panda baby



Twisted Linguistics tackled these Words Gone Wild instead of hunting Easter eggs.

nerve raking - A maneuver that smooths over taut, over-stretched nerves.

Psychologiest - A poltergeist qualified to provide psychoanalysis and, apparently, prescribe drugs.

Writting Discussion - Seminar for court personnel about how to prepare and serve writs.

intellegint Americans - 6th grade dropouts.

my manusript - A drink manually sipped and slurped.


DEAR TWIT

Dear TWIT,

I have asked you repeatedly about my missing royalty statements/checks, to no avail. Therefore, I am going to try one more time, this time addressing you in language you can understand.

Hey! You! Wheres my money? You owe me royalities for the last 3 yeers you looser. Why can't yew pay me my money is it becasue your stipid? Don't ewe be senting me no nesty emalls neither i am rite hear an you our knot. Let me gist say that you're customer service people dont got no manors and they are meen. My freinds do not beleive it when I tell them the stuff you say to me. But it is truely true! Lissen I coul'dnt make this stuff up. If I could i would bee a reel writter. So give me my money! I erned it the old fushioned way. I gave you my blud. Now pay me becuz if you dun't I am gonig to sick my bobcat Precious on you next. He will bit you and make you cry and make you whinning all the way to the hopsital. He will have youuns resonating of the walls i premise you that. Pay up!

Sincerely,
Proud Bibcat Owner


Dear Proud:

Your royalty payments are not late -- we have never been late with royalty payments. Sometimes we simply refuse to send them out -- but had we sent them out -- we wouldn't have been late!

You have wasted my time for the last time. If you contact us again Bobby-Bill will fly to your home in his helicopter and rip you a new one!

Sincerely,
Asshat extrodinaire


Dear DOTY:

Are you talkin' to me? Your request is ridiculous! Why would I tell you what he looks like?

Your comments are easy to dispute. You could never become a Hollywood actress because you don't live in Hollywood! I can assure you, DOTY, that we will get our share of your movie rights royalties! We are entitled to 50% and don't you forget it!

Do not take that tone with us! We will send you your $2.00 (if we do indeed owe you such a huge amount), at our leisure! It sounds like you could have a real problem with drinking -- are you sure you wouldn't want to submit your story so we can give it the chance it deserves?

You have just threatened me with four acts of harassment, you're good. Need a job?

Janitor Boy is now Sir Bobby-Bill's love slave. Do not accost him again or Mr. Bobby will write another article about cavepeople and their publishing era.

This is our final word on the subject. Do not contact us again. We will make our decison about your contract termination at our leisure. Be sure and contact me in six months. All future correspondence from you will be discarded after it's been passed around the office and spat upon!

Sincerely,
Asshat of the day


Dear Twittish Asshat,

No! Not unless you were that moody cleaning guy I was trying to get some answers out of last night. Oh, wait a minute, I get it. You're all the same person, aren't you?

Could, too, you mean person! Now you've dun it. You've hurt my feelings and a whole lot more, to. I want you to no that you people have made my splean blow up and my kidners leek. You make me sick! I will get you, and your stupid pet rats, two. And I'm sending you my dokter bills. Call it your 50%.

You reely are branedeaf aren't you? You already gave me the chance I never deserved. Why do you think I've tooken up drinking?! You don't want tone, AssLady, you'll get tone. I will ride you people like a too small thong and irritate the crap out of you!

Thanks to you morons, why, yes, I do. How much do you pay? I wouldn't have to learn how to scam would I? And more importantly I wouldn't have to do anything weird with Billy-Bob or Bobby-Bill, would I?

Well, poot, that's the job I wanted. You can just withdraw the job offer and stick it in Bobby-Bill's cave. Let his love slave deal with it.

Pooey! You don't skeer me. Remember that last love letter I sent you? I let my dog spit all over that one before I maled it. Ha-ha-ha! Have you had your rabies shots?

Sincerely,
Sic to My Stomikk


Happy Easter, everyone!

11 comments:

Hale McKay said...

....'As the Stomikk Turns ' - a subtitle for the "Dear Twit" series.

May you and yours have a Happy Easter.

(Despite what they say in Rhode Island.)

If you eat too much, you can always try my "PICTURE DIET," oover at my place.

Serena Joy said...

Screw Rhode Island. EASTER bunny, EASTER bunny. Neener-neener.:) I did a weird ritual with my Peeps last night to appease the Marshmallow gods, but if it looks like I'm getting fat I'll try the picture diet. LOL.

Happy Easter, Mike.

Corn Dog said...

OMG, I wet my pants laughing - AGAIN. These lines are priceless. I WUV THEM!

“I want you to no that you people have made my splean blow up and my kidners leek. You make me sick! I will get you, and your stupid pet rats, two.”

“You reely are branedeaf aren't you?”

“I will ride you people like a too small thong”


These lines are too funny and could have taken years to perfect. They are masters in this genre. You are a master. I bow in your presence. I am Grasshopper.

On another subject, I had never even heard of Knut. Is he not the cutest thing on 4 legs? And those paws! So I googled the little fellow. Some whacked out so-called "animal rights activist" wants him dead. Yeah, killed. Can you imagine? There are all kinds and states of whackos in this world. I hope one day that guy needs medical treatment and the people go, "Nope, can't help ya. Goes against nature."

Roxan said...

The polar bear without question. Isn't Knut the one the animal activist wants killed? I guess this same activist would kill the last of a species so "nature could take its course."

Serena Joy said...

It is a pretty funny collection of "letters," Grasshopper. Stupid as hell, but it was a great way to let off some steam.

Yep, Knut is one of the cutest baby animals I've ever seen. A pox on the so-called animal rights activists who thought he should be put down after his twin died and his mother rejected him. One look at that vibrant and very viable little creature tells you they're full of crap.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

You know, zoos in general don't let Nature take Her course. Hummers, gyms, hospitals, and McDonald's don't either. Uh, poison ivy and cyanide are Nature's own. So are tornadoes, hurricaines, and molten lava.

Activists are trying to make a point, and the point is valid--but I think they could make just as strong a point by going to their nearest hospital and protesting that putting 85 year-olds with terminal conditions on life support is not in accordance with Nature.

Neener neener, indeed.

Serena Joy said...

Excellent points, Greeny.

littlebirdblue said...

nerve raking

When your blowhard neighbor decides you didn't do a good enough job raking your lawn and against your express will comes over with her own rake and re-does it right in front of you.

This actually happened to me, only it was with a lawnmower. I eventually sold my house and moved, in large part because of that neighbor.

"She's got one hell of a nerve raking my F*cking lawn after I told her I liked it this way (and just finished raking it to my own satisfaction!!!)"

Oh, and I'm going to pick the panda, because Knut seems to be getting all the attention around here.

(Besides, "The Panda Says NO!")

Serena Joy said...

Good heavens, Littlebird, I'd have moved, too, with a neighbor like that. I know, Cute Knut's getting a lot of attention. He is cute, but so is the baby panda.:)

Lee said...

That is a very unfair choice, Serena! I love them both. :)

Serena Joy said...

I know, Lee. It's pretty well impossible to say that one is cuter than the other when they're both so adorable.