Monday, April 09, 2007

April Showers Snowflakes



It was a cold Easter, so cold that it felt more like Christmas than Easter -- especially since some snowflakes were seen hither and yon. It actually was warmer at Christmas. Not that a little cold prevented getting together with family yesterday and eating too much.

As it gradually warms back up this week, maybe Spring will be here -- finally -- to stay. Y'all stay tuned to hear me bitch and moan about the heat in a few weeks.

What does the world owe you? The short answer is, nothing. I don't believe the world owes us a thing. I think it's up to us as human beings to be savvy enough to take from it what we need and make something out of it. The bottom line is, it's up to us to either make it or not. Do you disagree with me? If so, why?

Twisted Linguistics twisted and mangled these Words Gone Wild today.

extrodinaire - If ex = from and trod = walked upon, then the loose translation must be something along the lines of "from walking in the air."

a wedidng - That's just another of Jed Clampett's expressions, like "Whee doggies!"

ressurection - A sure Viagra result, redux.

Surprizingly - The state of happiness one feels at winning an extra prize.

I get board - He understands the forum.



DEAR TWIT

Dear Sic:

Thump. . . thump. . . thump. . .

This is the sound of the helicopter starting up. I look forward to ripping you a new one!

Sincerely,
Big Bobby


Dear AssEx Bob,

Oh! Oh! You've done it now! You dare to threaten me with Wee Billy and the TinkerToy helicopter? He'll rip me a new one? Really?!! Not if my Precious gets to him first, he won't. We will just see who can claw and rip and bite the best. My money (NOT from you!) says Billy's too old and fat and slow. Hell, I could probably take him without any help from Precious.

Watch your e-mail. I'll be sending you another love note in about five minutes.

Sincerely,
Bad Biter


Dear Bad Biter:

Big Bill has already left in the helicopter with his armed guards in tow. They will not hesitate to dispense with your bobcat. I'm betting you don't have a license to own a wild animal anyway!

By the way, Janitor boy may not work out. If you're still interested in that job, give me a call. The requirements do include scamming and spamming so I hope you're a quick study!

Sincerely,
Bitsy the Loser

P. S. Just don't tell Betty!


Dear Loser,

Oh, I'm shaking in my boots. These babies have steel toes. Bring it on! He touches one hair on my bobcat's head, he'll have several bodily openings what he didn't have before. He's just jealous because my kitty cat has hair and he don't. He just ain't a resonable man, are he? Do he like chicken? I can make him a good deal on one.

I wouldn't work for you if the fate of the Western world depended on it. Besides, I cain't call you; y'all never answer the phone. But what does Janitor Boy look like? Maybe I could put him to work.

Too late! I already e-mailed Betty-Boop. Unfortunately, she told me the job would fit me like a glove and now she won't leave me alone.

Clearly, I am VERY stupid to have ever gotten mixed up with you people in the first place. I'se smart enuff to refuse to except mail from strange people though. How do I know their weren't spiders or arthraxx or sumpin in that envelop? Duh. I would apricote it if you would stop insulting me. Do you know who I am? I am a publicationed arthur! YOU are just the AssHat e-mail girl -- with a identify complex scents your calling youself Betsy-Wetsy today -- with a headset glued to your head. I bet you don't even get jiggy.

Insincerely,
Badly Needing Some $2 Wine


Dear Badly,

Oh, he's bringing it, all right! No, Big Bad Bill does not like chicken. His diet is limited to caviar and escargot.

Well, if you don't want to be a part of changing the publishing industry forever, there's nothing I can do about it.

As far as the phone goes, Betty-Bulge is the only one around here with a phone and she guards it with her life. The only time we ever get to use it is when she out "doing other things."

Janitor boy is four foot eleven and three hundred twenty pounds. If you can get him off this damn couch, you can have him!

Well, damn. I'll never hear the end of it now! How did you get this letter? This is a letter from another one of our enslaved authors! I can see I'm going to have to take action against you.

I'd say you're badly needing something, but not sure wine is the answer here.

Sincerely,
Asshat Girl


Dear Twit:

Why did you refuse to reply to my attorney's registered letter? Are you stupid or something?

Sincerely,
Free to be me


Dear Free,

And we do hope you are using that term lightly because you will never be free from us.

Attorney's registered letter? That is a ridiculous question and we will expect your prompt apology. We do not accept registered mail, certified mail, or regular mail from anyone. Mail from attorneys is deemed particularly troublesome and we use it for toilet paper.

If you have a legitimate question, we urge you to go through the proper channels and contact the AuthorInsult Team at the e-mail address provided to you on numerous occasions. We may or may not answer it. If we do, it will be in the order in which it was received. You should be advised that we receive upwards of 10,000 e-mails per day so chances are virtually nil that we will get to yours. We are extremely busy signing up new suck authors.

I would suggest that you get over being a drama queen forthwith and cease these nonsensical escapades of yours. Your time would be better spent writing another book for us to print and sell back to you.

Have a nice day and don't hesitate to call us with any further concerns you might have. Just joking! Sounded good, though, didn't it?

Sincerely,
Jessimo, General of Reception and General Partner


I'm a day late and a dollar short (as is often the case), but ... what kind of Easter candy are you?




You Are a Bunny Pop

It takes a whole lot more than three licks to get to your center. You cheeky bunny!



28 comments:

Roxan said...

***You Are an Easter Egg***


You're so sweet, you don't need candy. You much prefer the taste of artificial coloring instead.

Kanrei said...

You Are Jelly Beans
For you, Easter is all about fun and sweet treats. None of that Jesus dying on a cross stuff!

I would be upset if you were ever happy with the weather.

I think I missed part about those letters. Are they real or spoofs? PLease say spoofs. Please!

MXI said...

I am also a bunny pop, that comes as no surprise.

I agree I don't think the world owes you anything, now as for what the world owes me...

Roxan said...

I confess, my first response was Jelly Beans. I hate those things, except the black ones.
Then I was Peeps. I hate those too.
Then it was Cadbury eggs. I about puked.

Steve G said...

Snow for you and dry and sunny for me. Seems so unfair. Funny stuff on this post.

Serena Joy said...

I know, Kan. When I stop complaining about the weather, it'll be because I'm, like, dead. Then I probably won't care any more. Oh, yes, the letters are spoofs. Though written for venting purposes, they do depict the caliber of the "publisher" rather well.:)

Um, excuse me, MXI, how do you know the world owes you and not me? I mean, we're both bunny pops. I think that entitles us, don't you think?

Geez, Roxan. Nothing for Easter but black jelly beans? I hate black jelly beans. LOL.

I agree, Steve -- it ain't fair. Oh, well, it'll all even out in the end I guess.:)

leelee said...

You Are a Cadbury Creme Egg

You're the type that stole little brother's easter basket so that you could have MORE CANDY!


yikes...my secret is out..yes...it's ALL ABOUT THE CANDY, oh and watching the hokiest movie ever created...The 10 Commandments! the color, the spectacle...the costumes..the profound dialog..the wigs...the special effects..amazing

Serena Joy said...

Kanrei, you ARE Lord of the Peeps! All hail.



http://kanrei.blogspot.com/2007/04/for-serena.html

Serena Joy said...

Love those Cadbury eggs, Leelee. Which, of course, taste best when they're stolen from the siblings. LOL.

tfg said...

Dulcolax is considered Easter candy? I'll be damned.

Serena Joy said...

In some societies, T. You didn't eat them, did you?:)

Scary Monster said...

Me finally felt it be warm enough to change me tires. Me spent Easter morning with a tire iron in me hand that looked like a cross and made me want to crucify me lug nuts.

Today's TL's really got me giggling.

STOMP.

Serena Joy said...

I'm glad you clarified the "lug" part, Scary. You've got me giggling.:)

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Ok, I'm jelly beans. Just as well, 'cause they're my favorite. I even like the black ones!

...And, just in case you wondered, my "Celebrity Boob Twin" (WTF??) is Jennifer Aniston.

Corn Dog said...

I'm a Chocolate Bunny. Right on!

The world owes me all the adventure life can provide. I can honestly say I have not been disappointed.

Serena Joy said...

Greeny, I'll start saving up all my black jelly beans for you. LOL.

Hey, you're lucky having Jennifer Anniston as your "twin." I think mine is Gumby.:)

Serena Joy said...

Chocolate bunnies rock, CD. And yeah, I'd agree with you on the adventure thing. That, the world owes us.:)

Lee said...

The world owes me absolutely nothing, nor does anyone in it...nor do I owe anybody anything...well, my telephone/broadband bill is due at the end of this week...but that will be paid before the due date...so, no...I'm debt-free and credit-free.

I wish the Lottery owed me something though! ;)

MXI said...

Sorry CY, my Mom told me I was special. You don't think she'd a lied to me, do ya?

Serena Joy said...

I'd like to be owed by the Lottery, too, Lee.

No, MXI, Moms never lie.:)

JL4 said...

I believe the world owes me an explanation of what "hither" and "yon" mean.

Hale McKay said...

Here too, Christmas was warmer than it was on Easter - by 6 degrees!

When baseball games across the country are being cancelled due ti cold weather - it gives one pause to say -

"Whjat global warning?"

Seeley deBorn said...

I'm an easter egg!

Even if the world did owe me something I'd kick its ass to get what I wanted. I just found a school where I can finish my degree in environmental science and get a minor in medieval literature just for fun! Woo hoo!

Serena Joy said...

JL4, hither and yon is kind of like they be here, they be there, maybe they is, maybe they ain't.:)

I know, Mike. Chill bumps in the middle of April are damned unnatural.

Are you going to do the courses, Miss Seeley Easter Egg? I'd love to take one in medieval lit.

JL4 said...

You Are an Easter Egg

You're so sweet, you don't need candy. You much prefer the taste of artificial coloring instead.


Huh?

JL4

Serena Joy said...

Beats me, JL4. DOES artificial coloring have any taste? Would anyone want to taste it? I'd just take the Easter egg and run with naturally sweet.:)

JL4 said...

A "sweet" retired Army guy?

Not sure those words go together, do they?

}:

Serena Joy said...

Ooooooh, I don't know. They probably do as long as you're not sugar deprived. Has to be real sugar, none of that artifically colored stuff.:)