Wednesday, April 04, 2007

The Bird, The Bunny, and the TWIT

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Last week, my boss gave me the requisite notes with which to draw up a Post-Nuptial Agreement. I sent it on out to the client for review, and she called this morning to say there were a few corrections that needed to be made. She said she'd written in the changes on the applicable pages and would fax them to me. The fax came in and I started looking it over, and that's when the fun started. When my boss heard me hooting and snorting and cackling like a loon, he came into my office to make sure I wasn't having some kind of freaky breakdown.

In his notes, the boss had written down instructions about how to dispose of a "Catalina Macaw boat." The husband was to keep it and, if he didn't want it, the wife would take it. Whichever one kept it would be responsible for tags, title, insurance, etc. The lady wrote in the margins of that paragraph: It won't need tags, title, or insurance. The Catalina Macaw is a bird.

When I told the boss, we both just cracked up and doubled over laughing. When we finally caught our breath, he looked at me and said, "You moron."

"Idiot," I countered. "You're the one who wrote it down."

"Well," he parried, "I thought anything 'Catalina' was a boat. I thought she said boat. The woman must have a speech impediment. Who knew it was a bird?"

"You doofus," I said.

"Imbecile. We ought to just shoot each other now because we're too dumb to live."

"Yeah, but now we got the bird."

Whereupon we both doubled over with laughing spasms again.

It was at that point that I went for broke and confessed that only after getting into the office lighting had I realized that with my black houndstooth skirt and black velvet shoes I had put on navy blue tights this morning.

"What a dolt!" he pointed out.

"True, but I know a bird when I see it."

I love my job.

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There's a group of authors who were once contracted to a piss-poor publisher and who grew increasingly disgruntled as they scratched and clawed and fought to get out of their contracts. During the fight, a whole lot of venting went on. One method of venting was to write "letters" to the publisher. One person would write a letter, and another would "answer" it in the guise of a company representative. Some of the letters were hysterical and the whole thing was a lot of fun. All employees and owners of the company were referred to as "twits" (Taunt & Torture the Wretches Insult Team), so the exercise came to be known as "Dear TWIT." I think I'll put up here some of the letters occasionally. They're definitely good for a few giggles.

Dear TWIT,

Why do you insist on holding my contract hostage when I'm not making you any money? You're not real good at the pimping business, are you? A good pimp would know that if it don't strut, you show it the boot. Oh, shut up, I know it doesn't rhyme. Why do you think I'm one of "yours?"

Unchain Me NOW

Dear NOW:

We at Putrid Publishing like to hold on to as many contracts as possible out of spite. We know that we could never make it as successful authors, so we want to make sure none of our enslaved authors do either. As to your pimp question, that's a whole other business. We really rake in the dough what with Betty, Betsy, and Bitsy being our top "sellers." Yeah boy, at twenty bucks a pop, you'd think they'd get tired, but they just keep going and going and going... Ugh, I even made myself sick with that!

Yours truly,
Enslaved Author Support

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A. He didn't want the other bunnies to know that he was fooling around with the chickens.

Signs That the Easter Bunny is Nuts

10. Neighbors describing him as "a quiet loner."

9. Removed from a department store last December after screaming at Santa, "You're going to die up there, fat man!"

8. Can't stop washing his paws.

7. Colorful eggs now filled with Prozac.

6. Apartment walls covered with photos of Sharon Stone.

5. Met with Dr. Kevorkian about the possibility of a "suicide egg."

4. Rotting corpse of Energizer bunny recently discovered in his crawl space.

3. Won't come out of his compound in Waco, Texas.

2. He's hippity-hopped up on crack.

1. Keeps rubbing himself for good luck.

How are your manners?

You Have Good Manners 91% of the Time

You manners are perfect. You always carry yourself with class.
You know how to be considerate toward everyone - even if they aren't considerate to you.


JL4 said...

The last time I wore a black houndstooth skirt and blue tights my co-workers looked at me strangely as well.

I'm thinking it was because I'm a man...but they may just not respect my fashion sense.

Steve G said...

I love the bird story.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, JL4. I would think that might be the reason. Or it's possible your skirt simply was the wrong length (another indication of fashion sense deficit).

Thank you, Steve. That bird certainly got my day off to a good start.:)

JL4 said...

It could have been the length...

Serena Joy said...

Style matters, too. It wasn't last year's style, was it? Fashionistas would have picked up on that in an instant.

JL4 said...

I couldn't tell ya what year the skirt was from.

I took the manners analysis, and it said, "Between a grub worm and a piano tuner."

I have no idea what that meant, but I'm thinking it can't be good

Kanrei said...

Funny start and kept getting better. That is the post of the day. Classic comedy every line. The bird, the dress, the letters! I loved it all. You are getting so much better every post and you were great to start so imagine where you are now.

Kanrei said...

You Have Good Manners 44% of the Time

Your manners are generally pretty good. You know how to behave, but you don't always follow the rules.
A little extra effort on your part, and you could be the next Emily Post!

There is NO WAY you got a 91% because lying on a test to get a higher score is RUDE!


Serena Joy said...

Why, thank you, Kan. I couldn't have done it without that damned bird.

I did NOT cheat on the manners test! My mama done raised me right.

Good heavens, JL4. Are you sure you read that thing right? I didn't realize grub worms even had manners. Piano tuners, I'm not so sure about. LOL.

MXI said...

A great story!

Serena Joy said...

CY thanks you, MXI.:)

Roxan said...

***You Have Good Manners 75% of the Time***

Your manners are quite excellent. You are well versed in etiquette.
Of course you have the occasional slip up, but you even apologize with grace.

Yeah, I cuss in public-damnit.

cathy said...

83% and I feel like a slob

Lee said...

I'm with you on the 91% good manners, Serena!

I initially thought the subject of the pre-nupt was a boat, too.

tfg said...

OK, I laughed out loud at the bird story.

Scary Monster said...

You actually get to laugh with your boss? Amazing. Me boss just glares at me and gives me the bird.

Where can me get one o' dem prozac eggies?

Manners? Me don't need no stinkin' manners.


Serena Joy said...

No way, Cathy! 83% sounds like good manners to me.

Roxan, do you think maybe we should stop cussin' in public? Not!

The more I think about it, Lee, the more I think maybe those people are pirates and the bird actually goes ON a boat.:)

Woo-hoo, I made TFG laugh!

But Scary, I'll bet your boss doesn't give you a MACAW. I'll let you know when I find those Prozac eggs. Damn bunny hid them pretty good. You're right, scary monsters don't need manners.

leelee said...

You Have Good Manners 92% of the Time

You manners are perfect. You always carry yourself with class.
You know how to be considerate toward everyone - even if they aren't considerate to you.

I guess my mom DID do a good job as well... :-)

I'm a bit freaked out about JL4 wearing a skirt and tights..and worrying about the length....brrrrrrrrrrrr sends shivers

Look if you can't laugh at work...then...god I just don't know what..what's the flippin' point of going there?

Hale McKay said...

WARNING! Do not read my "Wanted: Easter Bunny" post of 4/4 while drinking something.

Serena Joy said...

I'm a little concerned about JL4's skirt, too, Leelee. I just hope it's not one of those little flip skirts.:) I agree -- any job where you can't laugh isn't worth having.

Thanks for the warning, Mike. I went in drinkless -- which was a good thing. Much snorting and spilling was avoided.

Corn Dog said...

I love love love that story. I laughed so hard. hahahaha

86% of the time good manners. I think the cursing got me. I swear like a sailor at the most inappropriate times and then look around not remembering if I did.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Queen Corn. I'm laughing harder at your latest installment about cruising with the Norwegian f**ks.

Southern Writer said...

I love the kitty with the bunny. It looks like Sneezy when she was still little. I also stole it.

Hale McKay said...

Those 12 signs the EAster BUnny is nuts - is a good tie in to my Easter Bunny post.

Serena Joy said...

I thought it was an adorable kitty, too, Lesia. And I've sent you the code for the full-size image.

True, Mike. The Easter Bunny will never be the same.:)

littlebirdblue said...

***You Have Good Manners 88% of the Time***

You manners are perfect. You always carry yourself with class.
You know how to be considerate toward everyone - even if they aren't considerate to you.

Like Roxan, I lost it in the cursing dept.

Serena Joy said...

I guess we have to make a decision: which is more important to us, good manners or giving up cursing? Like we *&$^% don't know the #^$&*@ answer to that. *$@#&*@!!