Pillow Talk

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night because my pillow ... just didn't feel right. I kept repositioning it, beating it, fluffing it. Something just felt off. I've had this pillow for ages now. One pillow, the only one I can sleep on. It's getting old and ratty and I know its time is coming. Eventually, it's going to be too decrepit to use. I keep buying potential replacements. I get them home, all excited about the prospect of a pristine new pillow. Then I lay my head on it, go through all the posturing, and ... no go. It just doesn't feel right, and I can't sleep on it. Every bedroom in the house is full of these cast-off pillows, while my one just keeps going and going.

When I've brought home a new pillow that's too flat, it either goes to another bedroom or in the trash if I can't find anyone to pawn it off on. When I get one that's too fat, I try everything to flatten it out a little. I've even left them sandwiched between the mattress and the box springs for two days, thinking that would flatten out pretty much anything. It doesn't. You pull that sucker out of there and it fattens right back up. My mother gave me a pair of feather pillows, but no dice -- too soft.

I drag my pillow with me everywhere I go. I can't sleep on hotel pillows. They're always either too soft or too hard, too flat or too fat. My pillow is just right. I can't sleep on the pillows at anybody else's house; same problem. It has to be my pillow, my one, or there will be no sleeping. If I sleep on a bad pillow, assuming I can sleep at all, I'm going to wake up with a hellacious headache. Fact. I'm not risking it.

What on earth am I going to do if I can't find the one pillow in the world I can sleep on before my One True Pillow bites the dust? I suppose if push comes to shove, I could sleep on Captain Sparrow's shoulder, but I'm not sure I can afford all the rum it would take to convince him. I don't know what else he might demand, either. My pearls? All my gold earrings?


TWISTED LINGUISTICS

propegate - Gate used to keep patients on the fertility clinic's property.

obvserved - No oddballs served here.

apperances - The way certain orifices look.

opeaned - The opinion of a pea.

discrepency - One who doesn't rely on crepes.

gald - Shiny French metal.

solicite - Society woman seeking solace.

And today's piece d'resistance:

i just have an openion and when somebody saids something about it, i get offensive.


Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mout.He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mout open and got de frog and puts it in his baitcan.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or his gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some draps into de snakes mout. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and he body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux tosses dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fishin.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare dat water mocassin was with two frogs in his mout...

Cher, dat some good moonshine, no?

You Are a Little Scary

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