Monday, June 04, 2007

Pillow Talk

I had a hard time getting to sleep last night because my pillow ... just didn't feel right. I kept repositioning it, beating it, fluffing it. Something just felt off. I've had this pillow for ages now. One pillow, the only one I can sleep on. It's getting old and ratty and I know its time is coming. Eventually, it's going to be too decrepit to use. I keep buying potential replacements. I get them home, all excited about the prospect of a pristine new pillow. Then I lay my head on it, go through all the posturing, and ... no go. It just doesn't feel right, and I can't sleep on it. Every bedroom in the house is full of these cast-off pillows, while my one just keeps going and going.

When I've brought home a new pillow that's too flat, it either goes to another bedroom or in the trash if I can't find anyone to pawn it off on. When I get one that's too fat, I try everything to flatten it out a little. I've even left them sandwiched between the mattress and the box springs for two days, thinking that would flatten out pretty much anything. It doesn't. You pull that sucker out of there and it fattens right back up. My mother gave me a pair of feather pillows, but no dice -- too soft.

I drag my pillow with me everywhere I go. I can't sleep on hotel pillows. They're always either too soft or too hard, too flat or too fat. My pillow is just right. I can't sleep on the pillows at anybody else's house; same problem. It has to be my pillow, my one, or there will be no sleeping. If I sleep on a bad pillow, assuming I can sleep at all, I'm going to wake up with a hellacious headache. Fact. I'm not risking it.

What on earth am I going to do if I can't find the one pillow in the world I can sleep on before my One True Pillow bites the dust? I suppose if push comes to shove, I could sleep on Captain Sparrow's shoulder, but I'm not sure I can afford all the rum it would take to convince him. I don't know what else he might demand, either. My pearls? All my gold earrings?


propegate - Gate used to keep patients on the fertility clinic's property.

obvserved - No oddballs served here.

apperances - The way certain orifices look.

opeaned - The opinion of a pea.

discrepency - One who doesn't rely on crepes.

gald - Shiny French metal.

solicite - Society woman seeking solace.

And today's piece d'resistance:

i just have an openion and when somebody saids something about it, i get offensive.

Boudreaux been fish'n down by de bayou all day an he done run outa night crawlers. He be bout reddy to leave when he seen a snake wit a big frog in his mout.He knowed dat dem big bass fish like frogs so he decided to steal dat froggie.

Dat snake, he be a cotton moufed water moccasin so he had to be real careful or he'd get bit. He snuk up behine de snake and grabbed him roun de haid. Dat ole snake din't lak dat one bit. He squirmed and wrapped hisself roun Boudreaux's arm try'n to get hisself free. But Boudreaux, him, had a real good grip on his haid, yeh. Well, Boudreaux pried his mout open and got de frog and puts it in his baitcan.

Now, Boudreaux knows dat he cain't let go dat snake or his gonna bite him good, but he had a plan. He reach into de back pocket of his bib overhauls and pulls out a pint a moonshine likker. He pour some draps into de snakes mout. Well, dat snake's eyeballs roll back in his haid and he body go limp. Wit dat, Boudreaux tosses dat snake into de bayou, den he goes back to fishin.

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare dat water mocassin was with two frogs in his mout...

Cher, dat some good moonshine, no?

You Are a Little Scary

You've got a nice edge to you. Use it.


Top cat said...

I know exactly what you mean about pillows, if it isn't just right, forget about sleeping.
It seems a broken in pillow allows your head to lay at the perfect angle.
I usually have to suffer through a couple of nights until the new pillow gets my head's impression just right.
Forget about your pearls and gold earrings, HIDE YOUR EYELINER!

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

Liz said...

I'm sure a Southern lady like yourself could find something you could pay Cap'n Jack with that wouldn't require giving him your pearls or your gold. I mean, for the sake of a good night in bed ...

Steve G said...

A while later Boudreaux dun feel sumpin tappin on his barefoot toe. He slowly look down and dare dat water mocassin was with two frogs in his mout...

I've heard this one before, but it's till funny.

You need to find someone that can recover your pillow. Probably won't be too expensive. Perhaps a local tailor or seamstress. You buy the matierl you like and they reuse the feathers or whatever is inside.

Serena Joy said...

It's the breaking-in part that's killer, TC. There HAS to be one somewhere that wouldn't take so much breaking in. God, my kingdom for a good pillow...

No, no, not my eyeliner!

Of COURSE, it's sweet, TC.:-)

Looking at it in those terms, Liz, I'd give him my pearls, my gold, my car, AND my dog for the sake of a good night in bed. LOL!

I hadn't even thought of that, Steve. That could be an option.

puerileuwaite said...

Being a pirate, I suspect Cap'n Jack would be after booty. Arghhhhh! Land ahoy!

Roxan said...

***You Are Scary***

You even scare scary people sometimes!

The pillow issue is big with me too. It does take a long time to make a pillow comfortable.

Kanrei said...

You Are Not Scary

Everyone loves you. Isn't that sweet?

-OR- I am the best liar known to man. The world may never know (or care).

Pillow secret- buy a new pillow close to the one you love and place it in the same pillowcase you use for Old Faithful. Place the new pillow in old case aside and cycle through your other pillows realizing this will fail, but you will be looking at your old faithful knowing sleep will come when you use it, only it is the new pillow in old case. After a week you will forget about the pillow switch and believe the new one is your old one.


Tip for all your old pillows- Lemmings like soft things to land on so throw them off a cliff.

Kanrei said...

SJ is county on Capt'n Jack being only after booty.

Serena Joy said...

What, Puggy, pearls and gold ain't booty enough for Cap'n Jack? Maybe we could work something out.

Roxan, maybe we ought to start a pillow exchange with all our rejects. LOL.

I don't think you're that good a liar, Kan.:-) I don't know if that pillow trick would work. I mean, I would KNOW. Re Cap'n Jack, you're damn straight that's what I'm counting on. I wasn't really planning to give up my jewelry. LOL.

Kanrei said...

county= counting. Damn words gone wrong. This is a Hillary revenge plot I bet.

Serena Joy said...

Of course, it's a plot. LOL.

Kanrei said...

Are you still upset about the Johnny Depparations I signed you up for? It was done with care and concern I swear.

Serena Joy said...

Naw, I'm not upset because -- I didn't go. I don't wish to be cured. LOL.

Serena Joy said...

Hey, Kan, instead of using the rejected pillows to cushion lemming landings (since I'm trying to get off the cliffs and stay clean), would they work to, you know, pad a room? I wouldn't mind having a nice padded room.

Top cat said...

I think this is going to take extensive research at the PPI(perfect pillow institute).
Top cat is on the case.:)

G-Man said...

What is it with women and their pillows?

Now THAT was a funny joke!

Serena Joy, Stunning Pic as always....

You so funny....G

Serena Joy said...

All right! Help is on the way. You let me know what you find out, TC. A sleep-deprived woman is...well, you don't want to know.:-)

Pillow problems at your house, too, g-man? LOL. It's kind of like that story about the princess and the pea, only with us commoners it's pillows.

You funny AND a charmer. Thank you!

tfg said...

I have similar pillow and mattress issues. You just have to bite the bullet and get rid of the old one. You'll adapt to the new pillow, eventually.

Serena Joy said...

T, how long did it take you to acclimate to the new mattress and pillows? I think it might be easier if I had Betty Boop sheets like yours.

Charles said...

In reality how long could you go without sleep? 2 days? Use the new one starting Thursday or Friday night. You'll be sleeping by the time you should get up Monday morning. Oh, that may cause a problem. Ah heck, just take a week's vacation to get used to the new one. Or get used to not sleeping. Did I say that?
Seriously though, my grandmother used to recover pillows, she would buy ticking for the fabric and sew up a bag the size of her old pillow, fill it up and sew it shut. She'd do it pretty quick too, since its all straight lines.

tfg said...

Well, acclimation time varies from person to person, so an empirical approach is prefered. Thus, feel free to come over and try out my Betty Boop sheets any time that you see fit.

Hale McKay said...

Dat one qwick thunkin' snake thar.

I do believe you have rewritten the classic "The Princess and the Pea" - "Serena and the Pillow."

Serena Joy said...

Oh, trust me, Charles -- if I went 2 days without sleep I'd be so cranky somebody would take a chainsaw to me. And I probably wouldn't blame them. I am just going to have to bite the bullet, suffer a little, and get used to a new one, though. And probably sooner rather than later.

T, that would be great if you'd show me the acclimation ropes. And I'm pretty sure the BB sheets would be a great teaching aid -- if you're sure you wouldn't mind too much.:-)

Well, I do have a Princess charm bracelet, Mike. I think it even has a pea on it. LOL.

tfg said...

That could certainly be arranged--Betty and I would be more than happy to have you.

Serena Joy said...

It's a plan, T. You might want to warn Betty that I eat crackers and stuff in bed, make sure she won't mind a few crumbs.:-)

Trée said...

I will spare no expense for the right pillow, and when I find it, well, you would have to take me places I've never been to even get me to think about sharing it. :-D

Corn Dog said...

You Are Scary
You even scare scary people sometimes!

Liz said...

It's very strange: I was talking to a lady last night who's just come back from a villa holiday in Spain and she said she forgot to take her pillow and now she has a bad neck. I didn't realise this pillow-fever was so wide-spread.

You are creepy. Serial killers would run away from you in a flash.

Oh dear.

tfg said...

After all of the whipped cream and chocolate syrup, I doubt anything can faze Betty.

cathy said...

I read somewhere that if you have a pillow for more than a year half its weight is bedbugs.

just saying.

Serena Joy said...

I hear you, Trée. A broken-in pillow is sancrosanct -- and not to be shared. Unless, of course, it's with someone who manages to take you places you've never been.:)

CD and Liz, did that thing really tell you that?! Yikes! I understand what your friend is talking about, Liz. Bad pillow = bad neck = monster headache which = too cranky to be allowed in polite society.

That being the case, T, she won't mind the crumbs.:-)

Oh, my God, Cathy, there's a thought I hadn't thought of. Yuck!

G-Man said...

I think the bedbug thing is only for feather pillows..If you have a foam pillow you are OK!

Top cat said...

cathy's comment freaked me out but g-man came to the rescue and now I feel better about my pillow.

I googled breaking in a new pillow and came up with everything but how to do it..oh well.

Serena Joy said...

I hope you're right, g-man. The very thought of little creepy-crawlies in my pillow was giving me the willies.

Keep Googling, TC. There's gotta be a way. I mean, they break wild horses. We should be able to break pillows.:-)

pinkhippo said...


You are so lovely, pillow talk! I enjoy this. :)

haha I am still very faithful to my pillow (handmade by my mommy) and it always by my side. :)

Charles said...

Pajama parties with pillow fights might break them in. }:>D>

Serena Joy said...

PH, that's so sweet that you still have the pillow your mommy made. Hang onto it.:)

That's a great idea, Charles. Who wants to bring the snacks?

Charles said...

Dust Mites are different than Bed Bugs. Bed bugs feed on blood and are insects, but dust mites are arachnids and feed on sloughed off skin.

According to the Wikipedia, most folks lose .3 to .45 kg of skin per year.

Assuming that we only spend ~1/3 of our time in bed, there's ~2/3 of the time to lose this skin elsewhere. It can only be assumed the amount we lose in the shower is significant, but if we consider that we are rolling around with sheets on top and beneath us that could cause a significant portion to slough off also. Lets assume that 50% comes off as we sleep.

.3 to .45kg * .5 = .15 to .225kg

It would also be prudent to assume that since we don't wrap ourselves in the pillow that only a portion of that amount will make its way into the pillow. So assuming that you sleep on your pillow with 25% of your surface, which is a bit on the high side probably...

.15 to .225kg*.25=.0375 to .05625kg

Hmm. That number is getting kind of low. OK, so lets make an assumption about our little buggers. We know that they are not just made of our cast off skin, and they require humidity, so it would be safe to assume that they are also composed of water. Since we have no information on their composition, let's assume they are 90% H20, 10% solids from eating the dead.

.0375 to .05625kg/.1 =
.375 to .5625kg

Does your pillow increase its weight that much per year? I think not. I'd have to say this is one of those urban legends like microwaving food with Saran wrap exposes you to Dioxin. Sounds conceivable, but working it out, uh... doesn't.

Serena Joy said...

I'm going to take my lead from your calculations, Charles, and bet on my pillow being vermin-free. Maybe I'll start weighing it, just to be sure. I refuse to believe in bedbugs until I see proof; like, bites.:)

Corn Dog said...

The quiz really did tell me that.

Corn Dog said...

The quiz really did tell me that.

Serena Joy said...

Then this means war, CD. We're invading the sumbitch. Maybe it'll be nicer after we shoot it up a little bit.

God, I've got hives or a rash or something on my chest. I hope to fuck it's not Cathy's bedbugs.