Saturday, February 10, 2007

Cupid's Outrageous Slings

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My Funny Valentine

I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.

A smart, handsome and sexy young man dressed in the most sophisticated manner walked into the bar. He noticed a woman staring at him without blinking her eyes with an open mouth. Flattered, he approached the woman and said in his sexiest deep voice - "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $20 but on one condition." The woman was trapped in a moment and asked as if in a trance - "What's your condition?" The young man replied, "Tell me your wish in just three words." After a long pause, woman opened her purse, counted the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."



If you’re more inclined to send a Dear John letter than a Valentine, here’s a generator to help you write it:

http://www.humor.about.com/gi/dynamic/offsite.htm?site=http://www.chickenhead.com/stuff/dearjohn/index.asp

Dear Passive-Aggressive Closet Case,
By the time you read this, I'll be hocking your jewelry. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of an answered prayer to you - especially because you're too buried in porn to notice. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a schmuck, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Republican, and I'm not. You like leather harnesses, you eat noisily, and enjoy Aqua Velva, and I don't like confessing my love for any of these things. Your favorite movie is The Bare Wench Project, and your favorite band is The Partridge Family. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some fucking hash browns!" Anyway, I want to date an entire troupe of Chippendales. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally live on opposite coasts. We had some good times, or so you told me. But please, don't worry like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $37,229 you owe me, or the fact that you auctioned our love child. So take care of yourself - and irrigate that chancre.

Yours In Contempt,
Gone For Good
P.S. I faked every orgasm.


A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."


Words Gone Wild have once again contorted themselves into Twisted Valentines.

The raw material:

want to see some masculine mussels
cow slavia
Poured through additional pages
Captian Hook
I would be prejudice
Truely
As a journalist you have to write objectionably


My Valentine,
Want to see some masculine mussels,
Full of sinew and brawn?
Put on that shell with all the ruffles,
And we’ll shake up all the prawns.
Love,
Your Mollusk Boy

YY
Sweet Fluffy Valentine,
As a yellow journalist you have to
Write objectionably, it’s true,
But if you poured the rum through
Additional pages as it brews,
They would not make such fun of you,
Let me be your prejudice, truely,
For I am your Captian Hook’s tomfoolery,
Won’t you run away with me to
Outer Moongolia, my cow, my little moo,
Where I’ll udderly passionately slavia on you?
Kisses and Horns,
Bull

YY
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."

Faux Shakespeare:

...to suffer the slings and arrows of outrage... for tuna.

~ Shakespurr, Catlet

Do you have a dirty mind? Find out here.

Your Mind is PG-13 Rated

Your mind is definitely a little dirty. You're naughty, but not trashy.
You don't shy away from a dirty joke, and you're clearly not a prude.

9 comments:

Roxan said...

I thought the generator was okay, but it didn't quite fit MY life so I changed it. LOL

Dear Deflated Ass,

By the time you read this, I'll be tearing up our marriage license. I'm not sorry for doing this, just sorry I married you in the first place. I know this might comes as a bit of a brain aneurysm to you - especially because you're so sure we had a great marriage. What with you sleeping all day and not working. I think you're a hypocondriac and I'm sick of hearing about your latest boo boo. We're not compatible. You're a moron, and I'm vastly superior to you. You like killing things, you eat road kill, and enjoy drinking until you pass out and piss your pants, and I just plain hate you. Your favorite movie is Anything Steven Segal, and your favorite band is The Partridge Family. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some fucking hash browns!". Anyway, I want to date normal men. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally forget the other is alive . Being married to you was a horrible experience. But please, don't be bitter like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $37,229 you owe me, or the fact that you don't pay your child support. Do make sure someone lets me know when you kick the bucket - and choke on your own vomit.
Eat shit and die,
A painful death
P.S. I faked every orgasm.

Serena Joy said...

One more happy (ex-)wife heard from. LMAO!

Hale McKay said...

LOL @ "clean my house."

Excellent job with the "Twisted Valentines."

Must be joke day - That was theme for Saturday also.

Serena Joy said...

Thanks, Mike. I know, there's that "joke" theme going on. For some warped reason, it seems kind of apropos to the "season.":)

Lee said...

I'm PG-13 rated...I guess that's okay!

I wouldn't say no to Johnny Depp as being my Valentine! ;)

Serena Joy said...

Not to worry, Lee -- PG-13 saves us from the "trashy" rating. LOL.

I'd never say no to Johnny, either. Unless maybe he asked me to stand on my head and whistle 'Dixie.' Standing on my head makes me a little dizzy these days.

Corn Dog said...

I love the Twisted Valentines, particularly Mollusk Boy. I am laughing. I think I dated a Mollusk Boy.

puerileuwaite said...

Am I the first one to notice that Johnny Depp in that get-up looks a lot like Adam Ant or even that guy from Dead or Alive?

It's just a bit too much, and of course it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, CD. I think we've all dated Mollusk Boy.

I barely remember Adam Ant, Pug. Does he look like that these days? I know, I know -- it has nothing to do with Valentine's Day. Johnny's just Fantasy Boy.:)