My Funny Valentine
I don't understand why Cupid was chosen to represent Valentine's Day. When I think about romance, the last thing on my mind is a short, chubby toddler coming at me with a weapon.
A smart, handsome and sexy young man dressed in the most sophisticated manner walked into the bar. He noticed a woman staring at him without blinking her eyes with an open mouth. Flattered, he approached the woman and said in his sexiest deep voice - "I'll do anything you wish, beautiful lady, for just $20 but on one condition." The woman was trapped in a moment and asked as if in a trance - "What's your condition?" The young man replied, "Tell me your wish in just three words." After a long pause, woman opened her purse, counted the money and handed it to the man along with her address. She then looked deeply into his eyes and whispered, "Clean my house."
If you’re more inclined to send a Dear John letter than a Valentine, here’s a generator to help you write it:
Dear Passive-Aggressive Closet Case,
By the time you read this, I'll be hocking your jewelry. I'm sorry for doing this but, it fulfills my sadistic fantasies. I know this might comes as a bit of an answered prayer to you - especially because you're too buried in porn to notice. But I'm sorry – I just need hot sex with someone who isn't a human potato sack. I think you're a schmuck, but I don't think we're right for each other. First of all, we're not compatible. You're a Republican, and I'm not. You like leather harnesses, you eat noisily, and enjoy Aqua Velva, and I don't like confessing my love for any of these things. Your favorite movie is The Bare Wench Project, and your favorite band is The Partridge Family. Do you even know what my favorite movie or band is? I once asked you what color my eyes are and you said "Nuke me some fucking hash browns!" Anyway, I want to date an entire troupe of Chippendales. But you know what? I still want to be dead to you. We can totally live on opposite coasts. We had some good times, or so you told me. But please, don't worry like last time. That means no spiteful genital tattoos. And look - I won't even make an issue out of the $37,229 you owe me, or the fact that you auctioned our love child. So take care of yourself - and irrigate that chancre.
Yours In Contempt,
Gone For Good
P.S. I faked every orgasm.
A couple drove down a country road for several miles, not saying a word. An earlier discussion had led to an argument and neither of them wanted to concede their position. As they passed a barnyard of mules, goats, and pigs, the husband asked sarcastically, "Relatives of yours?" "Yep," the wife replied, "in-laws."
Words Gone Wild have once again contorted themselves into Twisted Valentines.
The raw material:
want to see some masculine mussels
Poured through additional pages
I would be prejudice
As a journalist you have to write objectionably
Want to see some masculine mussels,
Full of sinew and brawn?
Put on that shell with all the ruffles,
And we’ll shake up all the prawns.
Your Mollusk Boy
Sweet Fluffy Valentine,
As a yellow journalist you have to
Write objectionably, it’s true,
But if you poured the rum through
Additional pages as it brews,
They would not make such fun of you,
Let me be your prejudice, truely,
For I am your Captian Hook’s tomfoolery,
Won’t you run away with me to
Outer Moongolia, my cow, my little moo,
Where I’ll udderly passionately slavia on you?
Kisses and Horns,
After a quarrel, a wife said to her husband, "You know, I was a fool when I married you." And the husband replied, "Yes, dear, but I was in love and didn't notice it."
...to suffer the slings and arrows of outrage... for tuna.
~ Shakespurr, Catlet
Do you have a dirty mind? Find out here.
|Your Mind is PG-13 Rated|
Your mind is definitely a little dirty. You're naughty, but not trashy.
You don't shy away from a dirty joke, and you're clearly not a prude.