Wednesday, December 07, 2011

I Kid You Not

The Joker
So, speaking of Christmas and Santa (but please, Lord, no ho-ho-hos), I have only a very short list of shopping still to do. And on that list are the two hardest gifts I have to buy -- for my bosses. What in the everlasting heck do you buy for two sleazy lawyers? And they are, too. Sleazy, I mean. One left his wife for a bimbo client and the other, 40 years the other one's senior, does -- no joke -- Dial-a-Ho on speaker phone in the afternoons. And when he gets lucky -- well, you don't want to know the details. I have a strong stomach, and I don't want details. What I want is outta there, but that ain't happening unless I get lucky with Santa.


But back to my question -- what on earth do I get these jokers? It doesn't have to be dirt cheap, but I'm not paying a lot, either. I need help here because, left to my own devices, they could end up with rubber gloves and porn gift cards. Ugh. I don't think so. What about gift baskets filled with anti-bacterial stuff and some antibiotics? You think?

7 comments:

G-Man said...

Gift Cards to Walmart of course!!
What could be sleazier?

Marion said...

Two gift cards to Dial-a-Ho? Maybe a bottle of booze?
Or how about a cheap tie?

I used to give the attorneys I worked for homemade banana bread made with my secret recipe. One of their wives used to BEG me for my recipe because her husband and her son loved MY bread so much and raved about it...so moist and delicious!!! Tee-Hee... The year before, we'd had a Christmas lunch at her mansion and she served to-die-for crab bisque. I asked her for the recipe and she drawled...."It's a family recipe, sugar, and I never share them..." Well, karmas a bitch because I found out her recipe was from the New Orleans' Commander's Palace cookbook, but she never, ever got my fucking banana bread recipe. Tee-Hee. One of the greatest satisfactions of my life. It's the little things, no? xo

Snowbrush said...

Gift wrap Drano and tell them to drink it. Only why stop with only two lawyers? Send Drano to all of them, especially the ones in politics.

I loved Marion's banana bread story.

/t. said...

for one:

  a knitted tea cozy

for two:

  an ashtray that says, ARIZONA

of course, gifts of seasonal merriment are always appreciated: you could fall back (so to speak) on ho, ho, ho!

oh now, this is all wrong in this contect, but

HAPPY HUMP DAY, SERENA JOY!

× × ×

/t.

Serena said...

Well, that's one idea, Mr. G. Could end up making me look a little sleazy, though. I don't want them looking at me as a kindred spirit.:)

Good suggestions, Marion. I could give the younger one the bottle of wine he gave me last year that I never opened. Think he'd notice? I'd probably better refrain from buying either of them ties; I'd be too tempted to choke them with them. Your banana bread sounds divine. I, however, am NOT cooking for these bozos. Love, love, love your karma story! Miss Karma can indeed be a bitch -- and always so well deserved.:)
xox

And yet another excellent suggestion, Mr. Snow. They'd probably try to do something kinky with it, though. I am not an enabler.:)

Good choices, /t., but can you imagine what uses The Senile One might think of for the cozy? Nah, you don't want to think about that, either, do you? I might try the Arizona thing with Sleazoid the Younger, though. He does seem to be fairly suggestible.

Hey, Happy Hump Day!;)

puerileuwaite said...

You can:

1) Adopt a manatee in each of their names;

2) Claim you had a star named for each of them in the official Star Registry;

3) Hire a stripper to come to each of their offices;

4) Make a contribution in each of their names to their least favorite Presidential candidate;

5) Give them each a copy of the Victoria's Secret catalog with forged models' autgraphs and phone numbers

Serena said...

Well, #1 is out, Pugsley; I don't believe in manatee abuse. I really like #5, though. Seeing them hauled off in handcuffs for telephone stalking would make me yell "Ho, ho, ho!";)