Tuesday, September 22, 2009

Notes From the Loony Bin

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Things are getting preeety crazy around the office, and I'm talking even crazier than usual. For example:

- The guy who's renting what used to be my office is already at loggerheads with Boss Lady and her husband. He had to insist on having an electrician in because his lights shorted out and he really couldn't be expected to sit there in the dark and try to work. Boss Lady, et vir, conceded. He insisted on an outdoor light because, duh, he has clients at night and one already almost broke his neck on dark steps. Boss Lady, et vir, relented, although I think Renter Man paid for the light. Boss Lady's husband ordered Skank Girl's husband, the handyman, to wrap the outside of the window AC units in plastic for the Winter (never mind that we're still in for plenty more 80-degree-plus days), and the idiot wrapped Renter Man's while the unit was running. Renter Man went outside and told the BL Husband to tell Handy Man to get the plastic back off because it was about 90 in his office without the AC and he was neither turning it off nor risking it bursting into flame and that if he didn't do it, he'd do it himself. Renter Man ended up scampering up a ladder to the second story himself. But he by God liberated his unit, and mine, too. Renter Man took it upon himself last weekend to trim some overgrown bushes and tree limbs that were scraping not only cars but clients. Boss Lady, et vir, pulled up and caught him in flagrante with the clippers in his hot little hands and ordered him to stop "killing the trees and shrubs" immediately or he'd be evicted. Seems they like the "natural" look. My God.

- Boss Lady, et vir, are now out of state consulting some kind of doctor about Boss Lady's post-stroke condition. She's already been seeing chiropractors and acupuncturists and such, so this one could be a witch doctor for all I know. They were supposed to be gone 2 weeks, but called today and said it would be 3 -- and the clients be damned.

- During all of this, clients are getting shuffled around, their cases continued left and right, and "handled" (as long as there's no thinking and no actual legal work, since that would be me) by Skank Girl. Some of them are revolting. And by that, I don't mean they're disgusting. They're actually mumbling about firing Boss Lady, even reporting her to the Bar Association. Two have called Baby Lawyer in the past two days, pleading with her to take their cases as soon as she gets her license -- which won't be 'til November 2, assuming she passed the bar exam. Baby Lawyer and I talk frequently, and she's about 99% decided that within the next two months, presupposing she, in fact, obtains licensure, she and I are going to be opening a practice. We already have 5 or 6 cases lined up, and that ain't half bad.

- Skank Girl, by the way, is out all the time because of one thing or another. Lately, it's been due to their taking in one of her husband's multitudinous spawn. This one, a barely teenage girl, they "rescued" from foster care and she's leading them on a merry chase -- skipping school, missing appointments with her probation officer, drinking, smoking pot, running away, yada yada, which means constant appointments with the courts, social workers, etc. Skank Girl thinks all the girl needs is for her (SG) to "bust her head wide open," and she's irate that the system won't let her do it.

- All hell's going to break loose today because I happen to know that one of Boss Lady's clients is going to call Skank Girl and demand that Baby Lawyer be allowed to handle his case under the auspices of Boss Lady and, further, that if Boss Lady refuses and tries to continue his case yet again, he's taking her to the Bar Association. Won't that be fun?!

- And ... here I am -- working like Boss Lady's own personal Bob Cratchett scribing away in the upper room, unseen and unappreciated, working for a woman with a (fading) reputation as the best divorce lawyer in town -- without a divorce lawyer. It's true. I mentioned to Skank Girl yesterday that I'm due to file for divorce in about two weeks and wondered whether Boss Lady was going to feel up to doing it for me when she gets back -- which, of course, she would in a heartbeat if I were paying her a $3000 retainer. So, Skank Girl recommends that I get the guy I used to work for to file it for me. I called him, and he tells me he'd be uncomfortable doing it since he's had a friendly relationship with my soon-to-be ex. So, all righty then. I ran it by Baby Lawyer, and I'm going to do one of three things: either wait until she's licensed and have her file it for me; sit back, do nothing, let the ex file, and refuse to budge on the property settlement; or suck it up, spend the money, and hire Boss Lady's arch rival. Gee-ZUS.

- Boss Lady's not even around and I'm so overwhelmed with work that I hardly know where to begin. And I'm not even breaking a sweat, because I Do Not Care any more. If it gets done, fine; if not, I don't give a crap.

This was much longer than I planned. Sorry. I do work in a loony bin, though, so give me a little latitude. Happy Tuesday!


Skunkfeathers said...

GEEZUS is right!!!

Get Baby Lawyer bar-certified, then go to one and celebrate freedom from Skank Girl and them ever-present crotch crickets...

G-Man said...


Marion said...

What a great chick-lit, bitchy novel you have in progress here! All you have to do is transcribe the craziness and publish it! Go for it!

puerileuwaite said...

I wonder if the people at legalzoom.com ever have these problems.

Serena said...

Oh, yeah, Skunk. I'm not only going to celebrate getting sprung from this asylum, but I'm going to have a choice word or two to say to SG and BL.;)

If you think they'd take me, Galen, I'm about ready to go. I hear they have some very nice calming drugs there, not to mention the most fashionable straitjackets.;)

If only I had the energy, Dragonfly, I'd be writing it up as we speak. Maybe my muse (and my energy) will come back when I'm outta here.;)

Who knows, Pugsley? Probably. Almost seems like every place has a psycho or two on staff.;)

dons_mind said...

not much else to say except 'wow'! hope you can stay calm and see your way through all that.....

Serena said...

Thanks, Don. That's my goal -- calm. Before all is said and done, I may become too calm.;)

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VE said...

Did you know that in hell people just go to work...forever!

snowelf said...

I am so excited about the prospect of you working with Baby Lawyer!!
Poor Renter guy too! I already love him.


Serena said...

And now HD's here, /t. Happy, Happy to you!;)

I could have lived without knowing that, VE. Now I guess I'm going to have to be good or something.:-)

I'd love to see it happen, Snow, but who knows. At this point, I'm not even at all sure I can hang in here until November.:)