Tuesday, August 12, 2008

The Simple Life

Aardvarks have it pretty easy. They aren't the prettiest creatures ever created, but I imagine they look at us and think we're a pretty sorry looking lot, too. Beauty is in the eye of the beholder.

Aardvarks are mammals, like us, and look slightly pig-like -- unlike most of us, if we're lucky. Genetically speaking, the aardvark is a living fossil -- but aren't we all? Mr. Aardvark eats ants and termites almost exclusively. Sounds like a pretty nasty diet to me, but it seems to suit the aardvark just fine. Aardvarks have long snouts, long ears, and very long tongues. I see people occasionally who bear a vague resemblance to aardvarks. I'm pretty sure they're not leading aardvark lives, though.

Aardvarks lead pretty cushy lives if you ask me. They're not pretty, but they don't know that. Their diet leaves a lot to be desired, but I daresay they're not plagued with ants in their kitchens and termites in the eaves. Dating may be a little difficult in the aardvark world. They do, after all, all look alike, so how do they know which is the cutest aardvark? They don't do movies, they don't dance, and we all know what they do for dinner. I wonder if there are aardvark dating services for the more adventurous among them? Still, food and dating aren't everything.

Aardvarks never worry about spouses, wayward children, speeding tickets, or leaky roofs. Aardvarks don't have to go to work. They don't have to put up with anything they don't want to put up with. If an aardvark's butt itches, he scratches it, with no concern about who might be watching. Aardvark don't care. He'll belch, barf, and break wind in public, too. Etiquette rules don't apply to aardvarks. Aardvarks don't have to endure in-laws, or holidays, soccer practice, taxes, or family reunions.

Aardvarks never have to protect themselves against identity theft, buy insurance, or stand in line at the DMV to get their licenses renewed. Aardvarks will never be caught musing about which fork to use or ordering from menus without prices. They don't have to worry their little heads about calculating tips, either. Nowhere on the aardvark's list of things to worry about will you find gas prices, global warming, or weapons of mass destruction.

I don't know if aardvarks get headaches. If they do, it probably doesn't interfere with their sex lives. And you won't find an aardvark worrying about whether his headache is covered under his HMO. Mama aardvarks never buckle their babies into car seats before heading out to run a dozen errands before noon. Nor do they contemplate mortgaging the burrow to get the kiddies into good schools. Beauty salons, spas, and gyms aren't on an aardvark's to-do list. Most self-respecting aardvarks would rather fight than get pedicures, manicures, makeovers, and haircuts. Aardvarks will fight over important things, like food and mates. They'll never wage war over oil, international boundaries, nukes, or religion.

Wouldn't you like to be an aardvark?

And wouldn't you like to define some Tuesday blasfomys for TWISTED LINGUISTICS?

appology - That sluggish feeling after one has suffered a small apoplexy.

I morn the loss - I'll grieve about it in the A.M.

people needs to start opening up there hearts
exlant job
wipped of the map
should not of sensored you


puerileuwaite said...

No, I would not. Here's why: I tried living as an aardvark, and it was horrible.

At least twice a day, I'd get phone calls from lazy Yellow Pages abusing drunks who would dial me instead of Alcoholics Anonymous.

VE said...

Now you know what happened with the Aardvarks on my Blog. They were man-eating, remember? You should never trust a mammal that has to be first on the list. That whole 'aa' thing was just a ploy to be first. I've changed my name to AAAAA-VE just to spite them!

Kanrei said...

I think I am offended by this post. I am not sure why exactly, but I think I am. Perhaps I have some aardvark in my family tree.

exlant job- what exlax does

wacckos- people who work for a crazy company

leauge- an undersea baseball team

sattleite- a Starbucks satellite

plantet- Planet of the Plants

should not of sensored you- can't tell someone is there

Serena Joy said...

I can see where the crank calls might have been a nuisance, Puggy. Still, when you calculate the ratio of pros to cons of aardvarkdom, aren't you ever tempted? Just a little?:-)

Oh, thank you, VE, for prompting me to put man-eating aardvarks on my ever growing list of stuff to be scared of. I was thinking of changing my listing to AAAAAA-Serena, but maybe I'll just leave that to you and Puggy. Y'all can take the calls asking if that's your bra size.:-)

I don't know, Kan. I can't see any aardvark in you. If it's in your family tree, though, perhaps you might want to play it up. Remember, aardvarks lead way cushy lives -- and THAT ain't nothin' to be offended about.

You did an excellent job with your words.:-)

G-Man said...

Do Aadvarks smoke weed?

Serena Joy said...

I doubt it, Galen. I don't think they'll even EAT weeds.:-)

Sling said...

Aardvarks enjoy the good life indeed!
I hadn't really considered it before.

I have admired the lot of the humble goldfish though.
They eat,poop,procreate,..and every time they turn around,they think they're in someplace new!
Great post serena. :)

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Sling. I suppose it might be a tossup between the aardvark and the goldfish. Aardvark might think the sea grass is greener... :)