Spam-a-Roni

I recently received this spam, er, nice letter from a lady named Mrs. Anita Adams. I'm not sure whether her given name is Mrs. or Anita; most people don't refer to themselves as Mr. or Mrs. in business correspondence. Anyway, I'd like to share with you her proposition to me. The e-mail was, by the way, sent from the address of anita adams (anit4adams120@yahoo.fr), which is quite possibly one of those throwaway addies. God knows, I've received some humdingers from disposable Yahoo addies. The proposal reads as follows:

From Mrs Anita Adams
N [38 Rue Des Martyrs Cocody
Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire

ATTN:
DEAREST ONE OF GOD

I am the above named person from Kuwait. I am married to Mr Adams Johnson, who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $2. 5 Million (Two Million Five Hundred U.S. Dollars) in the bank here in Abidjan in suspense account.

Presently, the fund is still with the bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that i have serious sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence i know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.

I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives is around me always I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the Lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Contact me on the above e-mail address for more information's, any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your
reply.

Remain blessed in the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs Anita Adams.

Here are a few of the myriad questions I'd like to ask Mrs. Adams.

- How did you know that I am the Dearest One of God? Are you psychic?
- Aren't you scared to live on the Rue des Martyrs?
- If your surname is Adams, why is your husband's name Adams Johnson? You didn't have a little something going on with a guy named Adam that you let slip, did you?
- You say you are, not were, married to Adams Johnson, and then go on to say he's been dead for 9 years. Was he dead or alive when you married him?
- You say you opted not to get a child outside of the matrimonial home, since the Bible is against that sort of thing and all. What if you were to find another Mr. Johnson and keep him in the house? Could you righteously beget a child then?
- You say you have both a cancer problem and stroke sickness. Not to be indelicate or anything, but can you negotiate these intricate business transactions after you've, you know, had a stroke or two?
- Why do you wish to keep your husband's fortune a secret from his relatives? Are they crackheads? Spendthrifts? Heathens? What? And are they dead or alive?
- If I use your e-mail address for more information's, will my computer explode? Will your husband's relatives come after me? Will Homeland Security show up on my doorstep?
- What was it about me that showed you the light that I'm a good enough Christian to participate in this wondrous windfall? I mean, did you hire a PI to run a background check on me? If not, then how do you know I'm not a crackhead, a spendthrift, a heathen, or the leader of a weird but colorful voodoo cult?
- And lastly, before I decide to avail myself of your magnanimous offer, I'll need assurances from you that this deal doesn't include: (a) any trips to Western Union (b) Any Pythagorean theorems vis-a-vis figuring out your percentage and mine (c)volcanos (d) polygamy or anything kinky or (e) pissed-off Zombie in-laws (yours, not mine).

Mrs., if you can answer all of the above to my satisfaction, then hell whoopie yeah, we have a deal. And as soon as you send me a strand of your hair and a few nail clippings, then you may ship me my first check. In the interim, I hope you won't even consider sourcing another church or individual. Strokes aren't that much fun, are they?

Today's Blasfomys; i.e., Twisted Linguistics:

antecdotes - Antebebellum home remedies.

diabled - Disabled with diabolical precision.

piolets - Little baby pies.

paparatzi - Italian daddy rodent.

counterfiters
responcible
anin't
enorous
odl gentelment
realy ignorent
Massachusits
fourty years
staffes
absolutly
senarios