Monday, June 02, 2008

Stupid, But Feloniously Funny

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We haven't discussed Feebleminded Felons for a while. Today, it being Monday and back-to-work brain-drain and all, I have a few dumb crook stories for you. We do, after all, need something to point and stare at every once in a while. And folks about whom we can say, "Thank God we're not that dumb!"

Hughes, Arkansas: Deputies from the St. Francis County sheriff's office spotted a Pepsi machine in the yard of a home in Hughes, a town of about 1,800. A set of dolly tracks in front of the machine led straight back to a liquor store less than a mile away, which store had reported the Pepsi machine stolen. Two men who were standing in the yard when cops arrived fled on foot. One was caught, the other remains at large. One wonders whether his pockets are jingling -- and if he's thirsty for a nice cold Pepsi.

Portland, Oregon: A man who broke into a home and was shot at by the homeowner ended up writhing on the ground, pants and boxers around his ankles, and begging for help. No, he wasn't suffering from a bullet wound but from ... an asthma attack. Apparently, the pants were snared by a fence in his getaway attempt. Burglary is evidently pretty strenuous work. Dude should have stayed in school so he could've scored a desk job and given his asthma a break.

Arvada, Colorado: Two guys broke into a convenience store and were caught on surveillance video wearing women's thong underwear over their faces as masks. One dude wore green, the other blue; there was no word about whether they were satin, cotton, etc., or whether they were lace trimmed or plain. The thongs barely covered their noses, mouths, and chins, which should help greatly in identification of the suspects. One robber stuffed the stolen cash and cigarettes into the pink backpack he wore. Doesn't everyone love a cute, color-coordinated burglar?

Wellington, New Zealand: A man who assaulted a teenager by hitting him with a hedgehog has been fined $545 and ordered to pay most of the fine to his victim. The man allegedly picked up the hedgehog, a small prickly-backed animal similar to a porcupine, and threw it several yards at the 15-year-old. The boy was said to have been hit in the leg, suffering a large red welt and a few puncture marks. Sadly, the hedgehog did not survive the assault.

Speaking of feloniously dumb, we have Words Gone Wild today.

hazmut - A dog that can be hazardous to your health if you piss him off.

pooetry - Verses celebrating, well, poo.

in a fit of peak - Tantrum thrown by the guy who was second to reach the summit.

Muslin fanatics - People who are crazy about White Sales.

squeezing their testies - I can't imagine what that means but, damn, it sounds painful.

chicken beeks
precos babys
wisdom and beautie


Bilbo said...

chicken beeks - never heard of 'em before - they must be scarce as hen's ... uh ... never mind.

insurnance - sorry, I can't make anything out of this...

precos babys - children born before the comedic era of Bill Cosby?

wisdom and beautie - why stereotypical college professors always wear beau ties.

blasfomys - offending the Deity by outrageous spelling errors.

pictore - an Italian photograph.

drownded - dead by drowning.

pollish - adjective describing a citizen of the Sovereign Democratic Republic of Gallup.

percieved - duly noted, but backwards?

ourageeous - describing the reactions of offended religious fanatics, as in "if you do the least thing to offend us, ourageeous terrible to behold."

VE said...

Hey, it wasn't me in Portland...I don't have asthema!

puerileuwaite said...

I just want to point out that these are trying economic times, and maybe we, er, they couldn't afford underwear with higher fabric content.

Anonymous said...


contraction: our age, eons --
'n' inverted


¤ ¤ ¤


Corn Dog said...

Thong underwear. Hedgehog assault. I am laughing so hard.

Serena Joy said...

Bilbo's on the job today -- and what a great job you did! I am seriously -- and I mean seriously -- thinking of changing the name of my Twisted Linguistics to Blasfomys.:-)

I knew it wasn't you, VE. You'd be a much smarter crook than that.:)

You raise a valid point, Puggy, but I respectfully submit that they could have gotten full-size granny panties at Dollar General for less than they paid for those thongs. Unless, of course, they stole them, which they probably did.:-)

You, too, raise an excellent point, /t., albeit one I don't wish to contemplate overmuch. I suppose that all of our ages together would constitute ... eons.:)

It made me laugh, too, CD. I think we both needed that.:)

G-Man said...

...Excuse me?
Is it weird to wear women's underwear around one's face?

Serena Joy said...

Well, yes, G, in some cultures it's looked a little askance at. Um, is there a reason why you're asking?:-)

Mona said...

I think it would make a woman feel incredibly sexy if someone felt inclined to wear her underwear on his !
I guess that must be the ultimate compliment :D

Psst Serena.. I came to tell you...its Charles Birthday today...

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Mona. I suppose so.:)

I've already wished Charles a happy birthday.

Sling said...

I love these dumb criminal stories!
The jails are just full of geniuses you know.

Serena Joy said...

They are indeed, Sling. LOL.:)

NYD said...

Ya know, the smart criminals run for political office...

G-Man said...

See?....Mona knows!!!

Serena Joy said...

They do for a fact, NYD. They get elected, too.:)