Tuesday, June 03, 2008

Spam-a-Roni

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I recently received this spam, er, nice letter from a lady named Mrs. Anita Adams. I'm not sure whether her given name is Mrs. or Anita; most people don't refer to themselves as Mr. or Mrs. in business correspondence. Anyway, I'd like to share with you her proposition to me. The e-mail was, by the way, sent from the address of anita adams (anit4adams120@yahoo.fr), which is quite possibly one of those throwaway addies. God knows, I've received some humdingers from disposable Yahoo addies. The proposal reads as follows:

From Mrs Anita Adams
N [38 Rue Des Martyrs Cocody
Abidjan,Cote d'Ivoire

ATTN:
DEAREST ONE OF GOD

I am the above named person from Kuwait. I am married to Mr Adams Johnson, who worked with Kuwait embassy in Ivory Coast for nine years before he died in the year 2004. We were married for eleven years without a child. He died after a brief illness that lasted for only four days.

Before his death we were both born again Christian. Since his death I decided not to remarry or get a child outside my matrimonial home which the Bible is against. When my late husband was alive he deposited the sum of $2. 5 Million (Two Million Five Hundred U.S. Dollars) in the bank here in Abidjan in suspense account.

Presently, the fund is still with the bank. Recently, my Doctor told me that i have serious sickness which is cancer problem. The one that disturbs me most is my stroke sickness. Having known my condition I decided to donate this fund to a church or individual that will utilize this money the way I am going to instruct herein. I want a church that will use this fund for orphanages, widows, propagating the word of God and to endeavour that the house of God is maintained.

The Bible made us to understand that blessed is the hand that giveth. I took this decision because I don't have any child that will inherit this money and my husband relatives are not Christians and I don't want my husband's efforts to be used by unbelievers. I don't want a situation where this money will be used in an ungodly way. This is why I am taking this decision. I am not afraid of death hence i know where I am going. I know that I am going to be in the bosom of the Lord. Exodus 14 VS 14 says that the Lord will fight my case and I shall hold my peace.

I don't need any telephone communication in this regard because of my health hence the presence of my husband's relatives is around me always I don't want them to know about this development. With God all things are possible. As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the bank here in Abidjan. I want you and the church to always pray for me because the Lord is my shepherd. My happiness is that I lived a life of a worthy Christian. Whoever that wants to serve the Lord must serve him in spirit and Truth. Please always be prayerful all through your life.

Contact me on the above e-mail address for more information's, any delay in your reply will give me room in sourcing another church or individual for this same purpose. Please assure me that you will act accordingly as I Stated herein. Hoping to receive your
reply.

Remain blessed in the Lord.
Yours in Christ,
Mrs Anita Adams.

Here are a few of the myriad questions I'd like to ask Mrs. Adams.

- How did you know that I am the Dearest One of God? Are you psychic?
- Aren't you scared to live on the Rue des Martyrs?
- If your surname is Adams, why is your husband's name Adams Johnson? You didn't have a little something going on with a guy named Adam that you let slip, did you?
- You say you are, not were, married to Adams Johnson, and then go on to say he's been dead for 9 years. Was he dead or alive when you married him?
- You say you opted not to get a child outside of the matrimonial home, since the Bible is against that sort of thing and all. What if you were to find another Mr. Johnson and keep him in the house? Could you righteously beget a child then?
- You say you have both a cancer problem and stroke sickness. Not to be indelicate or anything, but can you negotiate these intricate business transactions after you've, you know, had a stroke or two?
- Why do you wish to keep your husband's fortune a secret from his relatives? Are they crackheads? Spendthrifts? Heathens? What? And are they dead or alive?
- If I use your e-mail address for more information's, will my computer explode? Will your husband's relatives come after me? Will Homeland Security show up on my doorstep?
- What was it about me that showed you the light that I'm a good enough Christian to participate in this wondrous windfall? I mean, did you hire a PI to run a background check on me? If not, then how do you know I'm not a crackhead, a spendthrift, a heathen, or the leader of a weird but colorful voodoo cult?
- And lastly, before I decide to avail myself of your magnanimous offer, I'll need assurances from you that this deal doesn't include: (a) any trips to Western Union (b) Any Pythagorean theorems vis-a-vis figuring out your percentage and mine (c)volcanos (d) polygamy or anything kinky or (e) pissed-off Zombie in-laws (yours, not mine).

Mrs., if you can answer all of the above to my satisfaction, then hell whoopie yeah, we have a deal. And as soon as you send me a strand of your hair and a few nail clippings, then you may ship me my first check. In the interim, I hope you won't even consider sourcing another church or individual. Strokes aren't that much fun, are they?

Today's Blasfomys; i.e., Twisted Linguistics:

antecdotes - Antebebellum home remedies.

diabled - Disabled with diabolical precision.

piolets - Little baby pies.

paparatzi - Italian daddy rodent.

counterfiters
responcible
anin't
enorous
odl gentelment
realy ignorent
Massachusits
fourty years
staffes
absolutly
senarios

14 comments:

/t. said...

sounds like
a good deal, serena,
and not at all a bit like
that old nigerian letter scam

i'd send the money right away ;)

¤ ¤ ¤

mr. /t.

G-Man said...

I hate that shit!!!!
Not spam, well actually I LOVE spam. The Hormel kind!!
I hate miss being your blog whore by one minute!!!
Grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr

Bilbo said...

antecdotes - predecessors of the c-dotes.

diabled - abled twice.

piolets - small blue flowers that are easy as pi to grow.

paparatzi - I can't improve on Serena's definition!

counterfiters - the burly fellows who install your new granite countertops. Never take them for granite.

responcible - the answer to Arthur Miller's play, "The Crucible."

anin't - backwards, ain't it?

enorous - Chuck Norris's French cyber-cousin, known for delivering roundhouse kicks to your digital face.

odl gentelment - sorry, brain started to smoke on this one...

realy ignorent - too dumb to know how much to pay the landlord.

Massachusits - Massachu takes a load off his feet.

fourty years - long enough forty moment...

staffes - cafes where the staff meets?

absolutly - made with really, really good vodka.

senarios - the cereal of choice for old fogies (see, "Bilbo").

Roxan said...

Lately I've been getting a different kind of spam. Porn spam that offers to let me watch while people "do things" to themselves. I don't have to open the email to know what they are going to do. It says so right on the subject line.
I find it much more unsettling than some fake "I got millions for you" type email. I worry about my 16 year old son receiving these. I don't think age would matter to these people.
I throw each one in spam, but I keep getting new ones from different names, but the same URL.

VE said...

You mean it wasn't real? Damn...I just sent her twenty thousand and asked her to say hello to Gomez and Morticia for me to...oh, and also cousin IT...

/t. said...

i live
to beat
the g-man

/t.

Serena Joy said...

That was my thinking, /t. Nigeria isn't that close to the Ivory Coast, is it? Yeah, I'm sending her the money just as soon as I get her clippings.:)

Oh, time is irrelevant, G. Einstein said so. You can still be my blog whore.:-)

Those are good, Bilbo. I don't know how you do them every day. Lord knows, I can't.:)

Yours sound like much worse spams, Roxan. Luckily, I have no kids in the house. I can see where it would keep you on your toes trying to keep those things deleted.

Well, VE, there's still a chance that it COULD be real, I suppose. A minute chance, granted, but a chance is a chance. Let me know what you get for your $20k.:)

LOL, /t.:-)

VE said...

Hey Serena, what ever happened to Charles? I don't see him in your comments anymore.

Serena Joy said...

He hasn't been around much lately, VE. I believe he just recently started a new job, so that might be keeping him busy.

puerileuwaite said...

I already knew you were an angel. But "Dearest One of God"? That's laying it on a little thick ...

Still, if Satan and his cronies do come after you, I've been trying to go to the gym more (so I can be your leather-clad, Austrian-accented guardian).

How many years were they married WITH child?

Serena Joy said...

I know, Puggy, that was piling it up a little deep. Not that it's impossible for me to be the Dearest One. Still, it's more likely that I'll be beset by the Evil Legions when I answer Mrs., so I'll glady accept your offer of bodyguarding.

I haven't yet worked out the math concerning years with child versus years without. If there is a child hidden somewhere in that scary house on the Rue des Martyrs, chances are it's one strange child.:-)

ecl1958 said...

Hey "Serena Joy!" I saw your comment on my blog and thought I'd stop by and return the favor. This is a great site, much more impressive than my humble abode. I'll be back! Anyway, back to your regularly scheduled programming...

Serena Joy said...

Hey, girl, it's nice to see you! Thanks for stopping by.

Whew, it's a hot time in the old town tonight -- we're dodging TORNADOS.

Skunkfeathers said...

Anita Adams...there must be quite a population of cancerous, turned-to-religion females over yonder, widows of "died of desperation pud whacking" men. Sad. Guess they should have seed that "Sex in the City" thing, eh?

If you need money to send a scammer you wish to deliver succor to, I have a bill or two you can use ;)

Tornadoes are not cooperating with me so far; my best chase days are work days :(