Monday, June 09, 2008

Fun With Felons

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I have dumb crook stories for you today. It's bad, of course, that anyone turns to crime and acquires a felony record as his legacy, but as long as their stories are feloniously funny, we'll keep reporting them.

Utrecht, Netherlands: A 21-year-old Dutch man and two compatriots were running down a street with their pants pulled down in the back "for a joke." At some point during the run, the 21-year-old "pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant" that broke and resulted in "deep wounds to his derriere."

The three were detained but released when the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the broken window.

Just one more reason why mooning is not a good thing...

Detroit, Michigan: An 8-foot statue of Jesus was stolen from the cross at the Church of the Messiah on Detroit's east side. The statue is made of a strong plaster, but with its weather-beaten greenish hue, the thieves may have mistaken it for copper that they could sell for quick cash. The church's aluminum gutters had been stolen in the recent past as well.

The statue was later found abandoned in an alley, in good shape except for a missing hand.

The church will have the statue and cross repaired and will host a "resurrection celebration" when it is put back in place. They also plan to post a sign next to it: "Jesus is not copper. Do not take him off the cross."

Fredericksburg, Virginia: A 21-year-old man began an unprovoked verbal attack on another man and his girlfriend at a gas station, eventually picking up a rock and throwing it at the man, who was struck in the neck. When the victim ran toward the assailant, the big bully took a fish out of his car and threw it in the victim's face. He also allegedly pulled down his pants and threw a beer bottle at the man's car before making his getaway. I'm not sure what the flashing was all about. Is assault and battery that exciting?

The excited thug was later arrested based on surveillance video shot inside the gas station's convenience store. He was charged with malicious wounding, indecent exposure, and destruction of property.

This is practically criminal, and not one bit funny: The price of gas in many areas has now reached $4.00+ per gallon for self-serve regular. No wonder all the motorcycle classes in town now have long waiting lists. Bicycle sales are way up, too.

The past few days have been ungodly hot. Yesterday, I went outside several times to refill the bird baths because the birds were so reveling in the cool water. They were so cute wading and playing and splashing each other. The squirrels seemed to appreciate a nice cool drink, too. Every time I stepped out the door, all I could think was NBA -- no breathable air. It was, in a word, like a blast furnace out there. Today is no better -- 97 or so degrees. I am now so ashamed of all those winter days when I complained about being cold.

Are you ready for some blasfomys? TWISTED LINGUISTICS has some humdinger Words Gone Wild for you. I managed to decipher a few of them. You might want to see if you can figure out the rest.


death nell - If Nell kisses you, you're a gonner.

be sean, not heard - Apparently, poor Sean is mute.

mental trama
i love all your songs and espalier picuters
rewards cerimony

peformance - Bathroom antics.

act like idots - How to behave once all the t's have been crossed and the i's dotted.


invineagreating - Growing grapes that make terrific wine.

you don not

Have a great Monday and stay cool out there.


G-Man said...

You seem to be fascinated by trouser lowering today Sherry..
Is all this heat planting some sort of subliminal message????
We can only hope!!!
Stay cool Red...xoxbgxox

VE said...

Well I went to Port Angeles, WA and it was 52 and windy; we were freezing! Got back to Portland and at least it was a pleasant 68 degrees.

That first story...the chef should have made Rump Roast the special of the day!

Bilbo said...

I took the liberty of just leaving out the few I couldn't make anything of. Whether I made sense of the others is a matter of opinion...

spotloght – focus on lumberjacks?

perscribe – take notes for per?

attentin – going camping.

be sean, not heard – For pete’s sake, Mr Penn, shut up!

mental trama – the lasting anguish caused by missing the trolley.

cheatted – made her tt’s look larger by stuffing the bra with kleenex.

rewards cerimony – obviously not the one at which the spelling awards are passed out.

sensoring – geek-speak for ogling attractive women.

knotch – I’ve knever heard this word before know.

act like idots – not only act stupid, but act so stupid you can’t even spell it right.

artical – low-fat versions of “a,” “an,” and “the.”

reminisences'es – like memories’es, but more highbrow.

expandtion – the action of waistlines after a large meal.

buckeling – how a male deer secures his trousers?

invineagreating – Describing the rush obtained from drinking vinegar.

you don not – The selection panel has opted not to select you as the next Godfather. Better luck next time.

/t. said...


good post :)


i see the g-man
is johnny on the spot today

curse you, g...

LOL @ ve re rump roast :)

and as usual, bilbo has it nailed

so, following these acts is pretty tough, but i do have one word for you, serena

attentin: clear lack of to detil

and, to whatever extent possible: happy monday serena joy!

¤ ¤ ¤


Serena Joy said...

I'm pleading the Fifth, Galen. And heatstroke. On a day as hot as this, low/no pants would seem the way to go. I'm trying to stay indoors and, therefore, cool. You stay in, too, and try to avoid heatstroke.:)

Dang, VE, the weather out there sounds heavenly.

Rump Roast - LOL!:-)

I don't know how you did it, Bilbo, but you nailed 'em. Thanks for the laughs.:-)

My attentin span just went up, /t. AND I'm having a happy Monday. Hope you are, too.:)

VE said...

I forgot to mention that your post request is up at my blog today. It was the toughest subject so far to have anything remoletely funny or original to do with...

Serena Joy said...

Yo-ho! Let me go see what you've done with it.:)

G-Man said...

/t. Sometimes a little luck comes your way. Your day will come again.
Just not today.....G

Corn Dog said...

Loved the dumb criminals. It is HOT out here. 90 today. Help. I'm melting.

Hale McKay said...

We too had a scorcher - 95 - here in Boston. Tomorrow is predicted to threaten 100!

Saturday and Sunday were also scorchers.

I was unable to get the air-conditioners installed until Sunday afternoon. - - And until they had worked their magic and cooled the house ...

- - sans everything was the "uniform of the day" for me and the wife. While we had to worry about "flash points" outside - the danger? inside was 'flesh points.'

Unfortunately it was too hot to...

Hale McKay said...

And ... the next installment of Echoes of Eddie is finally up.

Little Lamb said...

True, crime does not pay. Why do people pick that as a profession? The rewards are not good.

Serena Joy said...

G & /t. <3 :-)

It's hot all over, CD. Try not to melt; it's got to cool down sometime.:)

Dang, Mike, that's awfully hot for Boston. Sounds like you made the best of it. Too hot to... :) Thanks for the Eddie alert. I looked for it last night.:)

I don't know why they do it, Lambie. Just dumb, I guess.:)

Skunkfeathers said...

It will be low 90s here today; it will be in the 70s tomorrow ;)

Serena Joy said...

Skunk, I'm thinking of becoming a dumb crook and stealing your 70s.:-)

puerileuwaite said...

It would have been really funny if the diners on the other side of the window had just ordered "Pheasant Under Glass".

Serena Joy said...

And Puggy, wouldn't they have been surprised when they got Peasant Under Glass instead?:)