Monday, June 09, 2008
Fun With Felons
I have dumb crook stories for you today. It's bad, of course, that anyone turns to crime and acquires a felony record as his legacy, but as long as their stories are feloniously funny, we'll keep reporting them.
Utrecht, Netherlands: A 21-year-old Dutch man and two compatriots were running down a street with their pants pulled down in the back "for a joke." At some point during the run, the 21-year-old "pushed his behind against the window of a restaurant" that broke and resulted in "deep wounds to his derriere."
The three were detained but released when the cafe owner decided not to press charges after the men agreed to pay for the broken window.
Just one more reason why mooning is not a good thing...
Detroit, Michigan: An 8-foot statue of Jesus was stolen from the cross at the Church of the Messiah on Detroit's east side. The statue is made of a strong plaster, but with its weather-beaten greenish hue, the thieves may have mistaken it for copper that they could sell for quick cash. The church's aluminum gutters had been stolen in the recent past as well.
The statue was later found abandoned in an alley, in good shape except for a missing hand.
The church will have the statue and cross repaired and will host a "resurrection celebration" when it is put back in place. They also plan to post a sign next to it: "Jesus is not copper. Do not take him off the cross."
Fredericksburg, Virginia: A 21-year-old man began an unprovoked verbal attack on another man and his girlfriend at a gas station, eventually picking up a rock and throwing it at the man, who was struck in the neck. When the victim ran toward the assailant, the big bully took a fish out of his car and threw it in the victim's face. He also allegedly pulled down his pants and threw a beer bottle at the man's car before making his getaway. I'm not sure what the flashing was all about. Is assault and battery that exciting?
The excited thug was later arrested based on surveillance video shot inside the gas station's convenience store. He was charged with malicious wounding, indecent exposure, and destruction of property.
This is practically criminal, and not one bit funny: The price of gas in many areas has now reached $4.00+ per gallon for self-serve regular. No wonder all the motorcycle classes in town now have long waiting lists. Bicycle sales are way up, too.
The past few days have been ungodly hot. Yesterday, I went outside several times to refill the bird baths because the birds were so reveling in the cool water. They were so cute wading and playing and splashing each other. The squirrels seemed to appreciate a nice cool drink, too. Every time I stepped out the door, all I could think was NBA -- no breathable air. It was, in a word, like a blast furnace out there. Today is no better -- 97 or so degrees. I am now so ashamed of all those winter days when I complained about being cold.
Are you ready for some blasfomys? TWISTED LINGUISTICS has some humdinger Words Gone Wild for you. I managed to decipher a few of them. You might want to see if you can figure out the rest.
death nell - If Nell kisses you, you're a gonner.
be sean, not heard - Apparently, poor Sean is mute.
i love all your songs and espalier picuters
peformance - Bathroom antics.
act like idots - How to behave once all the t's have been crossed and the i's dotted.
invineagreating - Growing grapes that make terrific wine.
you don not
Have a great Monday and stay cool out there.