Tuesday, January 29, 2008

For Real!

I'm ill-prepared today; therefore, this is a rerun from my other blog. You won't hold it against me, will you?

Reality TV is cheap to produce and, God help us, the powers that be are about to give us a bumper crop of "reality shows." Among the reality shows about to debut are Bravo's "Make Me A Supermodel," featuring a bunch of wannabe models duking it out for a modeling contract and $100,000.00. CMT is about to spring "My Big Redneck Wedding" on the public. Apparently, there will be beer-can canopies and mud wrestling at the reception. Need I say more? Fox will have "The Moment of Truth," NBC will have "Baby Borrowers" and "Celebrity Apprentice," and ABC will have "Oprah's Big Give." Those are all for real. Seriously. It was in the newspaper. But what if that's not enough? There's a writer's strike on, you know. It is for that reason that I've sketched out some additional shows to fill the void.

Save the Pop Tarts: Between rehab and anorexia and jail, young pop tart singers are suffering. Yes, these girls need all the help they can get. Why not adopt one and help give her a better life? For just a few dollars a month, you can provide a pop tart with heavier makeup, tighter clothes (and some underwear), cosmetic surgery, psychotherapy, collagen injections, deeper cleavage, tranquilizers, junk food, singing lessons (or dancing lessons if the singing doesn't take), paparazzi-free trysts, sports cars and SUVs to transport them to and from rehab, bail, and booze, cigarettes, and/or safe, prescription recreational drugs. In return, you'll receive an 8 x 10 glossie of your Pop Tart and if she ever gets another hit song, she'll dedicate it to you. And be sure and watch the show, where you'll see them strut and sulk, vedge out, go psychotic, hit-and-run parked cars, lose custody of their kids, flash the cameras -- and more! The phone number and Web site will scroll across the bottom of the screen all during the show, so dig deep into your pockets and give these girls a chance at a better life.

Celebrity Mud-Slinging: Watch your favorite celebrities whiten their teeth and blow-dry their hair as they dress to the nines and prepare to toss barbs and insults at each other -- along with chairs, bottles, shoes, telephones, and whatever else is within reach. The last one standing is the de facto winner. The males will be pitted against the females, and the winning male and female from each team will win a date with each other. You'll also get to watch them on their date and see the exciting climax where one will insult the other, throw something at him or her, and stomp off smiling in full view of the paparazzi. And ... one lucky home audience winner will get to write the press release explaining why the best person won and the loser deserved everything he/she got.

Hollywood Hooters: This one follows the trials and tribulations of surgically enhanced Hollywood actresses. You'll be fascinated as you watch the ladies swim, surf, run, play volleyball, and shop for clothes -- and this is a big, big deal. It's not easy finding a dress that will fit size 0 hips and a 42DD bust. The main thrust of the show revolves around the surgery itself, the recuperation period, and the aftermath as the ladies learn how to balance themselves so they can stand and walk without toppling over. The winner is, of course, the lady with the biggest breasts who can actually perform some of the functions of a normal life without falling over on her face.

Tame the Shrew: Men and women from all over America will nominate their spouses to spend a weekend with Rosie O'Donnell. They'll win fabulous prizes like cars and houses and speed boats if they can make it to midnight on Sunday without committing homicide. If the contestant fails to return home with a whole new appreciation of and attitude toward his or her spouse, the show will pay for the divorce.

Survivor, Dr. Phil: Two teams will be stranded on a smelly, polluted island in the middle of the East River with Dr. Phil. He will lecture them, analyze them, patronize them, incite one team against the other, and egg them on in tests of endurance for twenty hours a day. At the end of one week, each contestant who has not grabbed the tribal torch and lighted Phil wins a cool million bucks.

Take It Off For The Tykes: This show will raise money for underprivileged children by recruiting a cross-sampling of young women from all over the country to dance and strip on national TV. We'll be privy to candid behind-the-scenes coverage of the young ladies shaving, waxing, learning to walk in 6-inch heels, attending lap dancing classes, familiarizing themselves with the pole, and choreographing their exotic dancing routines. It's interesting to note that none of the contestants are under 5'9" and none are larger than a size 2. Note: the network censors have relaxed the rules on prime-time nudity because, after all, it's for a good cause. Anything goes, of course, when it's for the children.

American Lawyer Idylls: Yes, it's a battle of wits among this year's graduates of the nation's top law schools. They will lie and cheat and strategize as they jockey into position to vie for a seat at the Dream Team table for the year's hottest celebrity trial. The lying is expected; backstabbing will be tolerated since, if there is actual blood let, there are both Personal Injury and criminal lawyers among the contestants. They'll joust with each other in the Pre-trial Maneuvering Marathon, con one another in the Confrontation Bacchanal, and elbow each other out of the way during Machiavellian Media Manipulation. This will be the perfect venue in which to perfect their rhetorical, finagling, and obfuscation skills, and the first member of the jury to see through it will win an all expenses paid guided tour of the Harvard Law School. The winning lawyer will win, of course, the coveted place on the defense team AND a nip/tuck and/or liposuction, fourteen couture suits in his or her choice of color and cut, a Prada man purse or ladies pocketbook, a diamond pinkie ring from Tiffany's, a makeover and new do or ... hair weaves, contact lenses in the exotic color of his/her choice, a corner office, the right to set his/her own hourly rate, two secretaries, one paralegal, a personal assistant, a valet, a masseuse, keys to the executive washroom AND the executive dining room, and a Porsche Carerra.

Meet the Priss: Sunday-morning news and current events program with a focus on style and home decor, hosted by Martha Stewart.

60 Minuets: Dance-contest type of show featuring older personalities such as Mike Wallace, Barbara Walters, Morley Safer, Regis Philbin, Joan Rivers, Elizabeth Taylor, and Harrison Ford.

Wheel of Fortuna: Quiz show in which contestants see who can complete round crossword puzzles first. The prize is always a weekend in Fortuna, California.

Gypardy: Quiz show in which the prizes are never awarded to the winners.

Numbers: Adventures in anesthesia.

Gyros: Ordinary people eat gyro sandwiches and then develop super powers that compel them to try and save the world.

Ghost Whimperer: Stories of everyday people who are scared of ghosts.

Medium (Rare): Confessions of a clairvoyant fry cook.

Criminal Mines: Weekly exposes of the worst mines in the nation.

Law and Odor: Follows the real-life cases of a private investigator who just happens to suffer from B.O. which, alas, often alerts the bad guys to his presence.

American Idle: Chronicles of the unemployed.

Amazing Grease: Cameras go behind the scenes to the kitchens of fast food restaurants.

Foren(sic.) Files: Intimate view of case files of some of the worst offenders at butchering the language.

Disparate Housewives: Profiles of a wide variety of homemakers, from trailer parks to mansions.

Dataline: Investigates the day-to-day lives of computer hackers.

Days of Our Lies: Political commentary.

See! Is I!: Adventures of a real-life, if fairly inept, crime scene investigator with exhibitionist tendencies.


VE said...

Awesome. Those are funny. Maybe I should start to watch TV again. I had no idea it had gotten this bad. Maybe you could add a special Crossing Over episode and invite OJ, Robert Blake, and Phil Spector. That should be fun. Great post...

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Kanrei said...

I don't mind the rerun since I missed it the first time around. As NBC says: if you haven't seen it then it's new to you!

Those are really funny as well. Now I know how VE felt when I moved in on his nonsense. I thought biting political/ pop culture satire was my domain. You do it quite well and I feel threatened now.

Serena Joy said...

You might want to hold off on tuning in to TV again, VE. The term "vast wasteland" has never been more true. I do like your idea for a 'Crossing Over' episode. Are you working up a script?:)

That's a belly laugh, isn't it, /t.?:-)

Thanks, Kan, but trust me, your domain is in no danger. You rule the world of political satire and pop culture, babe.:)

puerileuwaite said...

Why do women ALWAYS ask me to not hold "it" against them?

Anyhoo, I love the new shows. Here's my review of a few, with some modifications thrown in for good measure.


Save the Pop Tarts - Change it to "Pop the Tarts", and I'm in. I would also consider "Shave the Pop Tarts".


Tame the Shrew - Too many late night viewings of "The Honeymooners" have permanently damaged me, such that I have an unhealthy fixation with Ralph Kramden. Making sweet love to Rosie O'Donnell is probably the closest approximation to acting out that fantasy. So I say: bring her on!


Survivor, Dr. Phil - Change it to "Surviving Dr. Fill", where THIS Dr. Fill is a dentist who gets WAY too carried away with his unconscious female patients.


Take It Off For The Tykes - MY version of the show would feature a Mass before and after the title shenanigans.


Meet the Pr*cks - One by one, get to know the members of the current Administration in the precious time we have left with them.


60 Mugshots - Every week, a new former member of the Mickey Mouse Club is "profiled".


Wheel of Ford Escort - Contestants seek to evade The Pug as he attempts to zig-zag his way out of the employee parking lot.


Gynerdy - The Pug fulfills a lifelong dream by masquerading as the "Official Gynecologist of the Dallas Cowgirls".


Criminal Mimes - We see them sentenced, and then incarcerated in an actual clear Plexiglass box.


Serena Joy said...

Women just can't help it, Puggy. They see a cute pup, they get an irresistible impulse to hold it.:-)

I see lots of potential in your show ideas. With these scripts of ours and the right producers, we'll be filthy rich.:)

Little Wing said...

But can Liz Taylor get out of her wheelchair to dance?
Maybe have a wheelchair dance!!!

G-Man said...

Celebrity Pop-Tarts??
All of those were spectacular!!!!!
You My Dear are on a roll!...xoxbgxoxox

Serena Joy said...

Thanks, LW. As for Liz, if she can't get out of the chair, I think a little dancing on wheels might be fun.:)

Why, thank you, my dear G. The Pop Tarts grabbed your attention, huh? You and Puggy. LOL. Must be a guy thing.:-)

Charles said...

I hate the effects so far of the Screen Writer's Guild's strike, but reality TV just plain sucks. Give them a cut like they want, they write it, they should get a cut on the re-runs. The studios are just plain greedy.

I'm still waiting for Celebrity Ultimate Fighting, though. Andy Rooney against Geraldo Rivera could be a hoot. Winner could then take on the Rock.

Serena Joy said...

I like your Celebrity Ultimate Fighting idea, Charles. That one might actually turn out to be kind of fun.:)