Friday, November 30, 2007

Miss's Mailbox


Dear Miss Begotten,
There's a Full Moon tonight, and in light of past Full Moon occurrences, should I do anything 'special' these next few days?
- G-man

Dear G-man,
If you expect to live through it, you'd BETTER do something special. The first thing you have to do is get yourself some good quality tinfoil and wrap your head in it. That keeps out the strongest of the rays and protects your brain from harmful influences -- like liquification. Then you'd better start making fire, chanting, dancing and ... buying presents. Presents are always good. A good present can get you out of a hell of a tight spot. Singing seems to work pretty well at warding off bad mojo, too. Don't try doing it on a cell phone or satellite TV, however. There's often moonspot interference. More bad mojo. I have no idea what I'm talking about. My best advice is to just relax, let the moon have its way with you, and wait for it to be over. Geez, that sounds like bad sex, doesn't it? Let me change my answer. Forget the singing and dancing and all the other crap and just go and have yourself some good sex until the bad moon goes down. Might work on the moon problem, might not -- but you won't care.

Dear Miss Begotten,
I would like to know if you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Yours truly,
Mr. Cat

My Dear Mr. Cat,
Miss Begotten cannot possibly answer a question about which she has no experience. Ladies do not fart, you know -- except every third Tuesday on the back porch so they can blame the dog if they get caught. Nor do they burp in polite company, except when they really can't help it. It's possible -- and only remotely possible, mind you -- that Miss might perform some experiments in complete privacy and see if she can create a vacuum in her tummy, never mind that Miss, being a natural woman, is aware that nature abhors a vacuum -- especially when it's named Hoover or Dirt Devil. She will, however, attempt it in the spirit of cooperation and ... scientific breakthrough. What she wants to know up front, though, is who's going to pay the doctor's bill?

Dear Miss Begotten,
I've noticed that you get an occasional case of the ass for liars, jerks, poseurs, twits, and other assorted morons. So what I want to know is, is it ever permissible to just shoot them?
- Just Another Blogging Dude

Dear Dude,
Why, yes. Yes, it is.

Caveat: Always keep a stash of bail money on hand, just in case.

TWISTED LINGUISTICS is going to let Miss Begotten take a stab at today's Words Gone Wild. Or, who knows, maybe she'll shoot, hang, choke, or otherwise annihilate them.

honost - A truthful host.

saldy - A sassy bald man.

inot - Phrase most likely to be uttered by a toddler in the throes of a tantrum.

wirth a nickel - Bastardization of the word werenickel (which is the currency of full moons).

saem - Name of the sultan's favorite wife.

complaintants - Litigious ants.

squirell - Cute but illiterate furry rodent with a bushy tail, genus squirrelus authoritis, often watched through binoculars by pretentious country squires.

watever - Water-generated wattage for which you'll be paying the utility company forever.

turmmoil - A condiment which could be a cheap solution to the oil crisis.

sheap - Cheapskate rams and ewes.

9 comments:

Charles said...

SJ,
Your formatting is messed up in Firefox. Everything is chopped off on the left.

BTW, shooting others isn't done in polite company, so make certain that when you're doing so, you can't be seen by anyone, both while in the act, and the subsequent get awa... uh, removal of your person.

Top cat said...

under further advice of my legal staff I hereby disassociate myself from any vacuum experiments which said person(MISS BEGOTTEN)should partake in causing bodily injury to herself, her home or her faithful dog.

VE said...

I've heard ladies don't sweat either...they glisten.

Serena Joy said...

Sorry about the Firefox problem, Charles. Alas, I don't know how to fix it. I've had a rough day, but I'll get on Firefox after while and see if I can figure it out. You are SO right -- never let 'em see your shooting or disposal methods.:-)

LOL, TC. I think I've figured out a way to perform the experiments without bodily injury. Stay tuned.:-)

That is absolutely true, VE.:-)

snowelf said...

What a great way to end a stressful Friday!! This is one of the funniest Miss's ever!!!! I loved the back porch thing!! Thanks Serena!

--snow

G-Man said...

Dear Miss Begotten..
The following ceremony is supposed to help you catch the girl of your dreams. Tell me what you think...
"If you want the love of a certain person, stand on your head and chew a piece of gristle out of a beef neck and swallow it. Then you will get anyone you want!!"
Does this sound feasable?
I tried this about 6 months ago, and I'm not sure that it is working..
I think you know this person, could you please ask her for me?
She has the same name as a Rod Stewart song...xoxo

Serena Joy said...

Thank you, Miss Snow. I'm glad you enjoyed it.:)

Galen, dear, if that was supposed to be a question for Miss to answer next week, you're going to have to send her another one -- because I'm answering it now. The answer is a resounding NO! That ceremony was banned in 1927 because all the women banded together and boycotted men who chew gross beef neck gristles. Nevertheless, I did speak to that person you alluded to and she said to tell you that if you ever show her a beef gristle, she will shoot you. She wants you to try the moon singing instead. And if Miss might offer a little suggestion, she believes the presents thingy might work well with that person. Jewelry is always a good bet.:-)

Mona said...

We learn so much here...etiquette and all...

You make me smile with your answers every Friday!

( ps! This time Saturday)

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Mona. If Miss Manners ever gets wind of my etiquette lessons, she will shoot me.:) Yes, this time Saturday.