Miss's Mailbox

Dear Miss Begotten,
There's a Full Moon tonight, and in light of past Full Moon occurrences, should I do anything 'special' these next few days?
- G-man

Dear G-man,
If you expect to live through it, you'd BETTER do something special. The first thing you have to do is get yourself some good quality tinfoil and wrap your head in it. That keeps out the strongest of the rays and protects your brain from harmful influences -- like liquification. Then you'd better start making fire, chanting, dancing and ... buying presents. Presents are always good. A good present can get you out of a hell of a tight spot. Singing seems to work pretty well at warding off bad mojo, too. Don't try doing it on a cell phone or satellite TV, however. There's often moonspot interference. More bad mojo. I have no idea what I'm talking about. My best advice is to just relax, let the moon have its way with you, and wait for it to be over. Geez, that sounds like bad sex, doesn't it? Let me change my answer. Forget the singing and dancing and all the other crap and just go and have yourself some good sex until the bad moon goes down. Might work on the moon problem, might not -- but you won't care.

Dear Miss Begotten,
I would like to know if you fart and burp at the same time, would it make a vacuum in your tummy?
Yours truly,
Mr. Cat

My Dear Mr. Cat,
Miss Begotten cannot possibly answer a question about which she has no experience. Ladies do not fart, you know -- except every third Tuesday on the back porch so they can blame the dog if they get caught. Nor do they burp in polite company, except when they really can't help it. It's possible -- and only remotely possible, mind you -- that Miss might perform some experiments in complete privacy and see if she can create a vacuum in her tummy, never mind that Miss, being a natural woman, is aware that nature abhors a vacuum -- especially when it's named Hoover or Dirt Devil. She will, however, attempt it in the spirit of cooperation and ... scientific breakthrough. What she wants to know up front, though, is who's going to pay the doctor's bill?

Dear Miss Begotten,
I've noticed that you get an occasional case of the ass for liars, jerks, poseurs, twits, and other assorted morons. So what I want to know is, is it ever permissible to just shoot them?
- Just Another Blogging Dude

Dear Dude,
Why, yes. Yes, it is.

Caveat: Always keep a stash of bail money on hand, just in case.

TWISTED LINGUISTICS is going to let Miss Begotten take a stab at today's Words Gone Wild. Or, who knows, maybe she'll shoot, hang, choke, or otherwise annihilate them.

honost - A truthful host.

saldy - A sassy bald man.

inot - Phrase most likely to be uttered by a toddler in the throes of a tantrum.

wirth a nickel - Bastardization of the word werenickel (which is the currency of full moons).

saem - Name of the sultan's favorite wife.

complaintants - Litigious ants.

squirell - Cute but illiterate furry rodent with a bushy tail, genus squirrelus authoritis, often watched through binoculars by pretentious country squires.

watever - Water-generated wattage for which you'll be paying the utility company forever.

turmmoil - A condiment which could be a cheap solution to the oil crisis.

sheap - Cheapskate rams and ewes.