Friday, November 16, 2007
Dear Miss Begotten,
Is there such a thing as "Make-Up Sex?" Are there, indeed, sexual categories like "Angry Sex," "Mindless Sex," "Pretend Sex?" I really want to know.
Yes, Yes, Yes, and Yes. Now you know. But let's probe a little deeper, shall we? Angry sex probably isn't such a good idea. If it doesn't go well, it could lead to the drawing of weapons and letting of blood. I mean, history bears that out. Just look at the exploits of Attila the Hun (Hun is NOT a term of endearment, by the way) or the Roman legionnaires or ... Vikings. And Xena Warrior Princess. That premise actually might be a turn-on to some folks, such as starving soldiers who haven't seen a member of the opposite sex for months and are just pissed off enough to do something about it. Personally, I'd avoid it.
On the other hand, make-up sex is usually a brilliant idea. In fact, I've heard that some people actually pick fights with their mates for the express purpose of it ultimately leading to some make-up sex. For that reason, one can only surmise that that's pretty hot. In that same vein, I would venture to guess that make-up sex could often be fairly mindless.
Pretend sex, though? I mean, are we talking about partners here, both pretending to have sex when they, in fact, are not? What is that?! Who would do that? Why would they do it? Or are we talking about solo sex? Same questions -- Who? What? When? Where? Why? And may I politely say, "Ick!" Now, if you're talking about pretend orgasms, I am advised that those do exist. Many women over the eons have claimed to fake it, and many men swear that their women have even when they haven't. Both claims are usually wielded as weapons. It's my personal opinion that if you have to fake it, it constitutes pretend sex, which is equivalent to mindless sex, which leads to angry sex, which in a perfect world might lead to make-up sex. But I'm just guessing. I'd confer with Dr. Ruth to try and get you a better answer, but she's no longer speaking to me.
Dear Miss Begotten,
Why is it that small insignificant things [like flash fictions 55] become hyped as a rage and an addiction when it comes to competition or a rat's race?
Inasmuch as I'm too long-winded to participate in Flash Fiction 55s, I'm not sure -- other than to say that competition is inherent in the human spirit. I don't think it matters what's at stake. People are simply conditioned (practically from the cradle) to compete, and they will try to win come hell or high water. If there's a prize at the end of the competition, then I suppose it could be said that there is a rage to succeed, a rage to win. Competition (a.k.a. rat race) can release endorphins in the body, which are technically a drug, so perhaps that's where the addiction factor comes in. And we all know drugs are bad for you.
Alas, I'm not aware of any programs or rehab facilities for competition junkies, so it's quite possible that the only help available for those who want to kick the habit would be TV personalities like Dr. Phil, Jerry Springer, Montel Williams, and Tyra Banks. Unfortunately, one might find oneself caught between a rock and a hard place when confronted on live television by other competition addicts ready, willing, and able to call you names, make you cry, and throw chairs at you.
If the hosts would at that point pass out attractively packaged doses of Prozac, some good might come of it. They normally don't, though. In fact, they're so cheap that they don't even offer Cheese Whiz snacks with some of those cute little umbrella drinks when they announce the dramatic results of the paternity test. They just want you to keep TALKING about it, even when you're lying prostrate on the stage covered in blood with a broken chair on top of you and a baby you didn't think was yours.
Dear Miss Begotten,
Inquiring cats would like to know, why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?
Hoochie-mama, what a question! The answer is quite simple, however. Glue needs Pixie Dust (not to be confused with certain types of mushrooms) to stick. No self-respecting Pixie would ever climb inside a glue bottle. Ergo, Pixies cannot apply their specially adhesive Dust to the glue until after it leaves the bottle. They really like it when small children (or large sloppy men) have smeared glue all over your living room. They tend to be very generous and sprinkle extra Dust on those joyous occasions. And they would like for it to be publicly announced that when your glue fails to stick, it's not their fault. They will, however, in exchange for better quality presents of shiny, sparkly stuff and a couple of heartfelt bows add the magic Dust to cheap glue after the fact and hope for the best.
**If you'd like to mystify Miss with a question, send it in.**
Today's Words Gone Wild defy TWISTED LINGUISTICS, defy the government, defy the laws of gravity, and defy definition. Some of them, I can guess at. The rest, I leave up to your expertise.
defintitely - How the shark wants his dorsal attached.
availabe - What Mary Lincoln said to her husband when she was feeling romantic.
contraversy - Against the poetry.
desing - Relieved of the ability to sing.
giref - A deformed giraffe.
These are all yours. Have at them.
I'm taking the weekend off, so have a wonderful weekend, kids.