Tuesday, October 23, 2007

Ju-Ju Chicken Blues





Halloween's coming and the full moon is Friday night, so I suppose it was fitting that I've accidentally just learned that chicken feet play a prominent part in certain Voodoo rituals. They say, in fact, that chicken-foot ju-ju produces some pretty hot energy. They're also said to provide protection if you hang one over your door. I don't know about that. I mean, wouldn't it smell pretty fearsome? Not that I'd mind one little bit putting the fear in some folks.

I don't have a chicken (outside of the freezer). I've never owned a chicken, because I'd hate for my neighbors to come after me with torches and pitchforks. Chickens are nasty and noisy, and I honestly wouldn't be able to blame the neighbors. So if I wanted to take up Voodoo for Halloween and try out this chicken foot energy-maker-cum-home protection device, I'd have to get over my deep-seated fear of live chickens and figure out how to get my hands on one. I'd sure hate to get hanged for a chicken thief so, like, where would one obtain one of those things?

I think the actual chicken ceremony goes something like this. First, they say you have to propitiate the chicken gods. I myself might skip that step. If I knew how to propitiate gods, I wouldn't get into some of the stuff I get into. Next, you get yourself a chicken, and it doesn't really matter what kind of chicken it is. Any old chicken will do. You cannot, however, use a stuffed chicken. They're hard to pluck, and they just don't cluck the same. Capture your chicken and break a few eggs over its head 'til it's so burdened by the heavy yolk that it can't see. That ensures that it won't run off squawking. Then taunt the bird with boy band songs 'til its eyes roll back. Once it's in a trance, you start chanting.

Ohm mani pozne dumb
Ohm mani pozne duuuuuuumb

I don't know what happens next, but I do know that if that chicken tries to run you're in trouble. When chickens start flapping, they are no more good as sacrificial fowl. If yours puts up a fuss, apologize to it and see if that shuts up the squawking. Nobody cares if the apology is insincere. Don't waste any more eggs continuing to yolk him up. You can use those eggs for other things, like baking shortcakes. If your chicken really won't cooperate, you can just subdue it and then give it a good whack on its head to shut it up. Then get out some butter, salt, pepper, lemon juice, and a roasting pan -- and preheat your oven to 350 degrees.

That all sounds excruciatingly complicated to me -- which is what prompted my question about rubber poultry in the first place. Rubber chickens have feet, don't they? I mean, one would assume that a properly constructed rubber chicken for which you pay good money would be anatomically correct. The one in the picture has feet -- and there is, after all, such a thing as truth in advertising. Of course, this all begs the question: If you capture a real chicken and make it perform rituals for you, what do you do with the bones afterwards? Seems like a pretty messy endeavor to me.

What do you suppose would happen if one built a fire in the back yard and danced around mouthing Voodoo words and waving a rubber chicken foot? Would I get my protection, do you think, or would I just be buying myself a big pile of trouble? I can see where this could grow into a real conundrum. Maybe I'll take up chicken-free Zombie-making instead.

If anyone has experience with chicken foot stuff, either rubber or the pecking kind, tell me about it! I don't want to fall prey to the chicken-deprived blues.


TWISTED LINGUISTICS looked up these Words Gone Wild today.

diddo that - Please! We don't use these in polite company.

That wacky "editor" person is back in the saddle today:

I write Erotia - Explicit Romance novels with no sex.

copywrited - If I copied it, did I writed it?

enlighterning - Buried during a spectacular storm.

dibilating injury - A devastating injury which leaves one unable to dibil any more.

23 comments:

Roxan said...

You have the eyes of a hawk. You're very much aware about your surroundings and the situations that you're in. People can't touch your things because you would immediately notice what's been touched or what's missing. You can analyze people's thoughts and actions quite well. That's good for you. Don't lose that sharp vision of yours.

G-Man said...

NO NO NO!!!
Rubber Chickens will NOT work on any Ju-Ju Mo-Jo Ho-Jo spell that I know of!!
It's the whole Karma thing about that creature being alive. Also only using a foot does not necessarily have to spell doom for the chicken..In fact, I've personally been to this huge Chicken Ranch in Skokie Illinois, that exports Chicken Feet for Voo-Doo rituals and Polish Dinner treats called Cochinina!!
It's Quite the Tourist attraction around them thar parts, and you can also sample some of their offerings in the hospitality room.
The Menu includes...
Chicken Foot Scampi
Chicken Foot Gumbo
Chicken Foot Tartar
Almost Whole Fried Chicken to go..2 wings, 2 thighs, 2 breasts,1 drumstick..
Chicken Foot on a Stick!
...and the list goes on and on...
So the next time you need to render someone impotent..
Cast a spell to give someone constipation..
Or obtain a Medical Degree in Haiti..
go visit..
WWW.Thehoppinrooster.com
You'll be glad you did!!

"Don't be a jerk..Let us do the bloody work"..

The Hoppin Rooster is an awesome place Serena, and it's real close to Michigan..*wink*

Punny Yumpkin said...

Sweet Jesus, are you zany! I believed with a name like Serena I would be reading some kind of poetry or flowery descriptions of how to keep the rose bushes flourishing, but here I am, both astounded and laughing so hard that my bollocks hurt. Gawd you are a lark. I will be back to read more.STOMP!

/t. said...

dear serena,

why do you play
with 'kiddie voodoo'
when you could be playing with the big (bad) boys?!? time to step up to the 'hard stuff'... turkey feet!

/t.

Serena Joy said...

Good on you, Roxan. Hawk eyes are a handy thing to have.:)

Well, now, Galen, you've given me a whole pile of stuff to think on. Veeeery interesting. I can't seem to access that Web site, but I'll take your word for it. I do think it might behoove me to grab a quick Haitian medical degree because, I mean, I sure would hate to accidentally turn you impotent instead of important. I'm a little bit concerned about this IL ranch. I mean, you say exporting the feet doesn't necessarily spell doom for the chickens. So, is there like a back room filled with an assortment of little chicken prostheses or something? Lord, I think my head may explode soon.:-)

Hello, Punny Yumpkin! Um, I would never go near a rose bush because I believe manslaughter of innocent roses is just wrong. Please tell your bollocks that I apologize and would never intentionally hurt them.

Have I ever mentioned that I am unnaturally attracted to pumpkins?:-)

Oh, my Lord, /t. -- I am REALLY scared of turkeys -- unless they're lying on a warm bun with some lettuce, tomato, and mayonaise. I like them even more with a little melted cheese and a couple of slices of bacon. If you think the hard stuff would be more fun for me, though, I'm willing to try it. Can it be a rubber turkey foot?:-)

Kanrei said...

Rubber chicken feet produces prophylactic voodoo mojo. =D

snowelf said...

Serena,

"If I knew how to propitiate gods, I wouldn't get into some of the stuff I get into."

Me TOO!! If I get a heads up on this, I will pass it along to you as well! :)

Every rubber chicken I've ever seen has had feet. I say it's worth a try--although I might worry about awakening a tupperware or rubbermaid god(dess).

--snow

Serena Joy said...

Kan, I'm confused. Is that to keep the chicken from getting pregnant? Do we really care if he gets knocked up?:-)

Thank you, Snow. And if I find out first, I'll pass it along to you. Yowzer! I think I'd be way more scared of Rubbermaid gods and Tupperware goddesses than chickens.:-)

Charles said...

Wow, that quiz sure messed up your formatting. I had to turn off the page style to find the link to take it.

Forget that quiz, it deletes all your answers if you don't answer one.

I kinda think Kan's right, of course if its a protection spell, would it only be 98% effective?

Is Punny Yumpkin our old friend Scary Monster without the speech impediment? He did STOMP!

Serena Joy said...

Oh, I'm sorry about your formatting problem, Charles. All I can think is that various items look different from browser to browser.

Ain't that Punny Yumpkin a card? As I understand it, he's babysitting Scary Mon's blog for a while.

I kinda think Kan's right, of course if its a protection spell, would it only be 98% effective?

You're asking ME? That would call for a mathematical calculation -- which is beyond my abilities.:-)

Charles said...

My 98% is referring to the prophylactic abilities of the average condom. There's an incidence of something like 2 pregnancies per 100 with their use.

Serena Joy said...

I'll bet they failed because chickens pecked them.:-)

/t. said...

sex
with
chicken beaks...

yep, that's why i come here :)

/t.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, /t. I guess it's true that there's a little something for everyone here.:)

Hale McKay said...

My only experience with chicken parts is from reaching into a KFC bucket. It is quite magical when one is hungry!

Corn Dog said...

Voo Doo bad. Chicken good. I love chickens. I don' think they're nasty.

Where's the quiz? I'm blind tonight.

Serena Joy said...

KFC bucket is a good place for chicken, Mike. Good magic.:-)

LOL, CD. Maybe I've met the wrong chickens. The ones I've encountered had some pretty nasty dispositions. All that flapping and trying to bite scared me. I DO like Manuelita the Nice Girl Chicken.:)

I took the quiz down because when I got on a different computer, I saw what Charles was talking about. It was covering up half the text of the post.

Charles said...

So what you're saying is that the failure of condoms is due to pecker chickens?

Serena Joy said...

Heh. I believe that may be exactly what I might be saying.:-)

ThatGreenyFlower said...

I must say that the efficacy of condoms among the average condom-using couple is not NEARLY 98%. 98% is the efficacy of a tubal ligation. Condoms are more like 86-90%. Even perfect users don't achieve a 98% success rate...and I have never met a perfect condom-user.

Serena Joy said...

And now we know. Thank you for furnishing the scientific proof, Greeny. Listen up, gang -- never trust a chicken with a condom.:-)

Camille Alexa said...

Is this chicken-foot stuff from research for your WIP? I smell a writer.

Serena Joy said...

I wish. I, alas, smell nothing.