I don't have a chicken (outside of the freezer). I've never owned a chicken, because I'd hate for my neighbors to come after me with torches and pitchforks. Chickens are nasty and noisy, and I honestly wouldn't be able to blame the neighbors. So if I wanted to take up Voodoo for Halloween and try out this chicken foot energy-maker-cum-home protection device, I'd have to get over my deep-seated fear of live chickens and figure out how to get my hands on one. I'd sure hate to get hanged for a chicken thief so, like, where would one obtain one of those things?
I think the actual chicken ceremony goes something like this. First, they say you have to propitiate the chicken gods. I myself might skip that step. If I knew how to propitiate gods, I wouldn't get into some of the stuff I get into. Next, you get yourself a chicken, and it doesn't really matter what kind of chicken it is. Any old chicken will do. You cannot, however, use a stuffed chicken. They're hard to pluck, and they just don't cluck the same. Capture your chicken and break a few eggs over its head 'til it's so burdened by the heavy yolk that it can't see. That ensures that it won't run off squawking. Then taunt the bird with boy band songs 'til its eyes roll back. Once it's in a trance, you start chanting.
Ohm mani pozne dumb
Ohm mani pozne duuuuuuumb
I don't know what happens next, but I do know that if that chicken tries to run you're in trouble. When chickens start flapping, they are no more good as sacrificial fowl. If yours puts up a fuss, apologize to it and see if that shuts up the squawking. Nobody cares if the apology is insincere. Don't waste any more eggs continuing to yolk him up. You can use those eggs for other things, like baking shortcakes. If your chicken really won't cooperate, you can just subdue it and then give it a good whack on its head to shut it up. Then get out some butter, salt, pepper, lemon juice, and a roasting pan -- and preheat your oven to 350 degrees.
That all sounds excruciatingly complicated to me -- which is what prompted my question about rubber poultry in the first place. Rubber chickens have feet, don't they? I mean, one would assume that a properly constructed rubber chicken for which you pay good money would be anatomically correct. The one in the picture has feet -- and there is, after all, such a thing as truth in advertising. Of course, this all begs the question: If you capture a real chicken and make it perform rituals for you, what do you do with the bones afterwards? Seems like a pretty messy endeavor to me.
What do you suppose would happen if one built a fire in the back yard and danced around mouthing Voodoo words and waving a rubber chicken foot? Would I get my protection, do you think, or would I just be buying myself a big pile of trouble? I can see where this could grow into a real conundrum. Maybe I'll take up chicken-free Zombie-making instead.
If anyone has experience with chicken foot stuff, either rubber or the pecking kind, tell me about it! I don't want to fall prey to the chicken-deprived blues.
TWISTED LINGUISTICS looked up these Words Gone Wild today.
diddo that - Please! We don't use these in polite company.
That wacky "editor" person is back in the saddle today:
I write Erotia - Explicit Romance novels with no sex.
copywrited - If I copied it, did I writed it?
enlighterning - Buried during a spectacular storm.
dibilating injury - A devastating injury which leaves one unable to dibil any more.