Friday, September 21, 2007

Miss's Mailbox

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Dear Miss Begotten,
Just what you Be gettin?

Dear Sassypants,
Miss ain't talkin' 'bout that, you sassy thang. Miss might be gettin' herself a little extra chocolate -- which will mean she'd best be gotten her butt on an exercise mat. She may be gettin' a bit long in the tooth (not that she'd ever admit it). Could be she be gettin' a little sass here and yonder -- or a raise or a favor or a dividend. Miss's lips are sealed, though, so you just keep them pants on. Mmm-hmm, Miss know when to hold 'em and when to fold 'em. Some things be for Miss to know and y'all sassy little things to guess.

Dear Miss Begotten,
What does my answer for this week mean exactly besides I don't understand math?

Dear Kanrei,
Strictly speaking, that would have been last week. It's a simple mistake for the mathematically challenged to make, so I'll cut you a little slack and admit right here in front of God and everybody that I have no earthly idea because -- there's math and formulae and space/time continuums and stuff involved. As much as it pains me to confess it, it's true -- Miss B is also mathematically challenged and is left up the proverbial creek with only your question for a paddle.

Dear Miss Begotten,
Do good things really happen for those who wait?

And do big bad burley biker dudes stand much of a chance of ever partying with a fiery redhead?

Dear G-man,
Oh, yes, my dear; of course, they do! Depending on your patience quotient, of course. Assuming you have the patient fortitude to wait it out, the longer you wait for something good to happen, the better it's going to be if and when it ever does happen. Look at it this way: A down and out person -- we'll call him Ralph -- can spend his whole humpbacked life wallowing on the dirt floor of a hovel, rooting through Dumpsters three times a day for victuals, depending upon the kindness of strangers for coins to buy those precious few things not found in Dumpsters, yada-yada-yada. You get the bleak picture. And then one day, something good happens. Ralph finds a Tootsie-Roll Pop lying on the sidewalk in front of the overpriced corner store and it's in pristine condition. The wrapper is clean and, more importantly, intact -- which virtually ensures that that sucker's never been licked. It's not that big a deal to you or me, but Ralph swoons into practically a coma of joy because it's the best thing that's happened to him in 38 years. See, it's all relative. And relativity is a mathematical term, so I must cut this off right here.

As to your second question, well, wolves have been known to party with little girls wearing red hoods, so why not? Stranger things have happened. Just ask Horatio.

Dear Miss Begotten,
How much longer?

Dear Kan,
Funny you should ask that. Metallica asked the very same question in the song "Loverman," originally recorded by Nick Cave and the Bad Seeds.

There's a devil waiting outside your door (How much longer?)
There's a devil waiting outside your door (How much longer?)
And he's bucking and braying and pawing at the floor (How much longer?)
And he's howling with pain, crawling up the walls (How much longer?)
There's a devil waiting outside your door (How much longer?)
And he's weak with evil and broken by the world (How much longer?)
And he's shouting your name and asking for more (How much longer?)
There's a devil waiting outside your door (How much longer?)

Perhaps you meant something else, though. How much longer before charges stick to OJ? Miss doesn't know. How much longer before the judge sends Phil Spector home? Not even God knows the answer to that at this point. How much longer before Miss gets smacked upside the head by an asteroid? Nobody knows. How much longer before the world ends? I suspect somebody out there knows, but it's not Miss. The more important question is, how much longer before you ask me another unanswerable question?

Here are today's Words Gone Wild coaxed from their hidey-holes and delivered to TWISTED LINGUISTICS for trial.

deosnt - Cut-rate brand of anti-perspirant.

where did u heard that? - LOL.

visuilise - One of the lesser Aztec gods.

poiting - Pouting while pointing the finger at someone else.

writiers - Unusually witty scribes.

we our not available - And thank God for that, because they were going to sing We Our Family.

And today's burnt offerings from that one and only "editor" person:-

particularily - Unfortunate result of a nasty run-in with a dangling participle.

magnifiientg singer - An enlarged Norwegian opera chanteuse.

Your Monster Profile

Merciless Vampire

You Feast On: Fried Chicken

You Lurk Around In: Closets

You Especially Like to Torment: Pop Stars


Roxan said...

***Your Monster Profile***

Twisted Warrior

You Feast On: Armadillos

You Lurk Around In: Olive Gardens

You Especially Like to Torment: Vegans

Told ya I was twisted.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Roxan. I guess Twisted Warriors and Merciless Vampires get along pretty well.:)

Kanrei said...

Creepy Warrior

You Feast On: Olives

You Lurk Around In: Movie Theaters

You Especially Like to Torment: Lawyers

Damn! That was pretty right on the money.

How long before I was another unanswerable question you ask? No very long.

Dear Miss,
If it is a penny for your thoughts and everyone puts their two cents in, who keeps the profit?

Serena Joy said...

Kan, how cool is it that you and your soul mate, Roxan, are both warriors of one sort or another? LOL. Sheesh, it's your goal in life to drive me insane with these math problems, isn't it?:-)

Kanrei said...

Ownership has its costs

Anonymous said...

Dear Miss Begotten,

Who's Horatio? What's his last name? Finally how so we get rid of him?

Anonymous said...

How do we get rid of him?

Charles said...

Your Monster Profile
Brutal Strangler
You Feast On: Power Bars
You Lurk Around In: Gym shorts
You Especially Like to Torment: Yourself

Hmmm. Looks like Kan may have visited TC this morning. That or he's been listening to George Carlin.

Serena Joy said...

Apparently, Kan. Apparently.:-)

Anon., Horatio is a character from "Hamlet," to whom Hamlet said,
"There are more things in heaven and earth, Horatio,
Than are dreamt of in your philosophy."

We do not get rid of him.

Yikes, Charles. Brutal Stranger sounds like a pretty scary guy.:)

Kanrei said...

Steven Wright actually. I love that guy.

Charles said...

That's "Just Another Ironic Coincidence" to borrow from Snow Elf's blog. TC who's "Open Window" posted that exact quote this morning with a pic of GC. Maybe SW, read it.:)

Charles said...

Well, not EXACT, but close enough that its pretty close.

December/Stacia said...

Heee, I love Miss Begotten.

Pink said...

Hey your comments are bilinguel!

Je parles pour tu!

I wonder what scary monster's monster profile would be...nice Goy Boy from Lilliput?

I will NOT do a monster profile. I already know mine

Stanky Morning Breathing Dragon

and I don't like to advertise that.


G-Man said...

Dear Miss Begotten..

Why do fools fall in love?

OK, for those that think that I'm not old...
MB's answer to my question brought back a flash from the past..

"I'm a very lucky boy..
I got a Tootsie-Roll Pop!
And I'm a very lucky girl
I got a Tootsie-Roll Pop!
All of the kids in the neighborhood, say Tootsie-Roll are Triple Good!!
You'll LOVE Tootsie-Roll Pops!"

Serena Joy said...

Pinks? Was auf Masse?! We're bilingual now? How extraordinarily odd! Kind of fun, though. Yeah, I'll be interested in seeing Scary's monster profile, too. If you're a morning dragon, I'm sure it's a PINK dragon -- which makes it just fine.:-)

G, Miss will attempt to answer that question next week. Beep-beep. Tout de suite. She-bop, do-wop, and da-do-ron-ron.

Such excitement over Tootsie Pops warms the cockles of my heart. If I have a heart. Or cockles. What is that, an old commercial? About the only one I remember is Slinky.:-)

Serena Joy said...

Thank you, D-Stacia! Love your new avatar pic, girlie.:)

ThatGreenyFlower said...

***Greeny's Monster Profile***

Freakish Egghead

She feasts on: information

She lurks around in: pasties and a stethoscope

She especially likes to torment: pregnant ladies


Dear Miss Begotten,
How do you find the time and energy to be so consistently clever and funny?

-Just Askin'

Camille Alexa said...

***Your Monster Profile***

Twisted Vagabond

You Feast On: Fried Twinkies

You Lurk Around In: Las Vegas

You Especially Like to Torment: Hippies

Except for the Vegas bit, this is more accurate than any of your quizzes ever.

Serena Joy said...

What a cute mental image I'm getting here, Dr. Greeny. LOL.:)

Miss B will take your question under advisement.:-)

Fried Twinkies, Camille? CAN they be fried? This old hippie has to try that.:)

Hale McKay said...

The plot twists and turns are as devilish as ever in
Chapter 8 of "Her Cups Runneth Over."

MONA said...

LOL! your wit is unmatchable!
I love all the things that you'd be gettin'

& the how much longer song rocks!

The twisted linguistics make me smile again. One always leaves with a smile from your blog! Thank you Serena!