Wednesday, May 09, 2007

Reap It And Weep

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According to a recent study, these foods promote good health and a longer life because they are rich in fiber. Apparently, fiber-rich foods make you feel full and hence prevent over-eating -- which we all know will kill you. Eventually. Apparently.

- Pears
- Pistachios
- Berries
- Artichokes
- Lentil beans
- Edamame
- Light popcorn
- Whole-grain cereals
- Whole-grain breads

Well. I am not eating artichokes or lentils. I hate popcorn (except once in a blue moon), and I avoid nuts because they give me a stomachache. I could go the rest of my life subsisting on pears, berries, and whole-grain cereals and breads, I suppose. If I had to. Or, I can say the hell with good health and die (relatively) young -- and well fed. Frankly, death might not be such a bad alternative when I think of giving up the likes of cheeseburgers, French fries, mashed potatoes, cheesecake, and ice cream.

It's a vast conspiracy, a cosmic joke on us that so many of the things we like best have the potential to hurt us, isn't it?

Fast food, the fast lane, fast cars, fast track, fast men/women -- stuff we love but which will kill us if it gets half a chance. It hardly seems fair. I don't really want to drop dead in my rocking chair knitting with a bowl of berries and a yucky lentil smoothie at my side. I've always heard it's best to kick off (reasonably) young and leave a decent looking cadaver. There might be something to that. God forbid I have to spend my Golden Years munching nuts and berries to stave off the Grim Reaper. I think I'd much rather lace up my orthopaedic boots and climb on the back of some cool geezer's motorcycle for a fast moonlit cruise on the highway to hell. I'm not wearing a helmet, either.

Obviously, I'm going to eat whatever the hell I feel like. Let the Reaper just come on and give me his best shot. There's a good chance I could plug his nostrils with beans and edamame and then choke him with dry popcorn. I think I could win that little contretemps. Yeah. Give me caffeine, nicotine, my choice of Dr. Feelgood, and sugar. I'll take my chances.
We have a case from hell that just keeps going and going. We thought we were nearing the finish line when (what else?) some new issue reared its ugly head yesterday. Boss says to me this morning:

He said: You thinking what I'm thinking?

She said: Probably.

He said: Cluster-fuck?

She said: Um. Yeah.

He said: If we lock the door and go home, do you think they'd hunt us down?

She said: Duh.

He said: Shit.

I work in a very articulate office. Archaeologists will study the writing on our walls some day, dig up our records, shake their heads, and say "Ug."

Twisted Linguistics stopped these Words Gone Wild in their tracks today before they could take any more indecent liberties with proper words.

sugestion - A hint of sugar.

possitive - Yes, the stick is blue and the possum is pregnant.

lassoo - Excited utterance by Irish lad spotting a girl. "Lass! Ooo!"

warend - Products designed for the posterior.

et all - Ate the whole thing. - Create custom images
Dear TWIT,

You know what I should do? I should bring a bunch of my friends to the Townhouse of Poz and let them go on a rampage through your office. A bunch of 14-year-old boys who will go wild when they see Queen Betty of Poz. One of them is a computer geek who knows how to make your whole computer system crash. Another knows how to start a mass-burning of contracts. Another knows how to use the Imperius Curse to make you do anything we want. If you don't want any of this to happen, I would suggest you release all of my friends and close down your business and go live in the ghettoes. And would you grow some devil horns while you're at it?

He Who You Should Not Piss Off
Dear He,

Um, squeeeeeel. I'm scared. Not. Listen, we're impervious to 14-year-old boys. We have flying monkeys.

Chop-chop, now -- write us a book! As soon as we get it printed, we'll assign you an, um, editor to help you get ahold of your father's credit card and buy, buy, buy! Until you get us that Visa number, shoo -- we have no use for you.

Oh, and Queen Betty says oogedy-boogedy-boo!

Bored TWIT
Dear Bored,

Don't address me in such a tone. Your use of the word oogedy-boogedy-boo is inappropriate. What have you been smoking lately? You're insulting me. I may be young, but I have far more brains than you. Besides, one of my friends is HUGE. He could probably knock out Queen Betty's jaw, Craphead's nose, and King Billie's right eye. Flying monkeys? They are no match for my fire-breathing flying cobra sharks!

Don't worry, I have an idea for a book to write that I may choose to submit to you if I feel like it. But I'm sure as hell not going to sign your f***ing contract even if my life depended on it. No, I'll just print it with Lulu and call it Atlanta Nights Part 2. How's that, Mr. TWIT?

Still Smarter Than You

Yikes! Who knew?!

You Are 34% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

How Evil Are You?


Corn Dog said...

Hey weird, I'm 34% e-vile too. I LOVE your office talk. It is SO DANG FUNNY! Makes me laugh SO HARD. It is like the best of sitcom only it's true and I don't watch TV so I don't know what sitcom is really like.

Top cat said...

You Are 30% Evil

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

Is telling a blonde joke considered sexist? if so my percentage just went up.

Steve G said...

You Are 38% Evil. Not bad. I sure don't want to run into that 50% serial killer.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, CD. It's a great work environment. I don't think I could work anywhere else after this. Boss asked me one day not long ago, "What's the word for a mysogynist's female counterpart?" I couldn't think of it so I said, "Um. Lesbian." He says, "I don't think that's it, but let's dock your pay again anyway."

I guess my percentage is up, too, TC. I tell a lot of blonde jokes. LOL.

Steve, I find it hard to believe that you're more evil than I am. Damn quiz sponced, that's what it is.:)

Kanrei said...

You Are 68% Evil

You are very evil. And you're too evil to care.
Those who love you probably also fear you. A lot.

Most of the things on the list I never realized were evil. I think I fear myself now...

Serena Joy said...

I'm afraid of myself, too, Kan. I think the quiz people must have some pretty strange standards, though, because some of that stuff I just don't see as evil. Or maybe I'm the strange one.

Roxan said...

***You Are 30% Evil***

A bit of evil lurks in your heart, but you hide it well.
In some ways, you are the most dangerous kind of evil.

I must be so evil I hide it well from myself. I figured as many checks I marked I should have been more evil. Maybe the quiz is broken. LOL

I like lentils and artichokes.

Serena Joy said...

Damn, Roxan, you're less evil than I am. I should be writing your book. Speaking of which, I got a new rejection letter for my collection today. LOL.

Watch your mail. I'm shipping you my nasty artichokes and lentils.:)

ThatGreenyFlower said...

I am apparently 26% evil. How nice.

I love artichokes and lentils. And jellybeans. And cake. And french fries. I'll probably live to a ripe MIDDLE age--too good to die young, too bad to die old. Let's just make it before I have to go into diapers...

Serena Joy said...

Let's just make it before I have to go into diapers...

Let's hope we're all so lucky, Greeny.

I'll share my artichokes and lentils with you, too. Would you also like the popcorn?

26% evil -- that's baby steps. You ain't so bad. LOL.

tfg said...

I'm absolutely 0% evil. Who knew these things could be so accurate?

Serena Joy said...

T, why do I not believe you? Does the word "Winnie" not mean anything to you?:)

tfg said...

Winnie might have been a bit twisted, but not evil. Now, when I blew up the R2D2 Potato Head--that might have been a tad malicious.

Serena Joy said...

LMAO, T. Oh, be still my heart -- a potato blaster! I occasionally abuse potatoes myself, so this is music to my ears. I'm trying to picture a spectacular explosion with flying potato bits. I may be just a little jealous. God, somebody go look and see if that stupid moon is still full.

Top cat said...

hey wait a minute, roxan got the same percentage on the quiz as I did.
I think she was looking over my shoulder as I took it.
I wonder if she's blonde?

Serena Joy said...

She's not; she's more raven-haired. She admits to lying on my quizzes, though. LOL.

tfg said...

A woman who shares my juvenile love of blowing things up ?!? Run away with me now....

Serena Joy said...

LOL, T. I have a brand new bag of potatoes, a fork, and a book of matches. Let's run.

G-Man said...

I took the test Serena, all I can say is.....
"Pleased to meet you, hope you guessed my name"!!
Your funny... xoxoxox

Serena Joy said...

G-man, did you really come out that evil? I ain't buying it.:)

Scary Monster said...

100% evil and its antihisis too.

Serena. You'll only live to 100 if ya give up all the things that make ya want to.


Scary Monster said...

Waaaaaaa! Me went and actually took the test- and lied on a few things so me wouldn't look so bad and Me still turned out 82% evil.

Me not going to hell. The devil will give me a job, Me gonna be a tour guide in hell.

Serena Joy said...

I'm not giving up anything, Scary, so I should live forever. There's a scary thought.

How much do you suppose tour guide in hell pays?:)

Lee said...

As always...a great post, Serena...keep 'em comin'! :)

Serena Joy said...

Thanks, Lee. I guess I'll keep the lunacy going until my brain turns completely to mush.:)

littlebirdblue said...

***You Are 12% Evil***

You are good. So good, that you make evil people squirm.
Just remember, you may need to turn to the dark side to get what you want!

I feel a little ripped off here. How did you guys get such high scores? I've broken laws, kissed people I shouldn't, don't believe in god, blamed farts on the dog, and a couple other things I decline mention here (those others aren't bad enough?), and I'm still only 12% evil?

I'm going to go back and lie to get a better score. Wait here just a sec.

littlebirdblue said...

I ramped it up, adding things like the prank phone call (I think it was a slumber party in the sixth grade) and calling someone the "c" word (which I haven't, but I use the f-word up, down, and sideways, so I thought it was a fair substitute), but I'm still only 20%.

Serena Joy said...

Beats me, Camille. Except that we all know the effin' quizzes lie up one side and down the other. I told the truth and still came out with a pretty low percentage. That just ain't right. I abuse the "f" word, too. Like yesterday, when I had a really bad shopping experience and mumbled, muttered, and yelled it non-stop for about 40 minutes. If I'd seen anybody who looked slightly better than Ed McMahon, I'd have kissed him even though I shouldn't.:)