Thursday, May 10, 2007

Mama Told Me Not To...



Things your mother told you would wreck your body. Fact, or old wives tales?

"Swallowed chewing gum takes 7 years to exit your system." It's not true. It follows the rule of GIGO down the alimentary canal, just like everything else you eat.

"Feed a cold and starve a fever." This is also not actually true. While it's true that your body needs energy (food) to fight a cold, you also need fuel in order to combat a fever. Bottom line: feed them both.

"An apple a day keeps the doctor away." That one is quasi-true. Apples contain antioxidants that help fight cancer, stroke and heart disease. They're also packed with pectin, a soluble fiber which helps the body eliminate cholesterol and fends off certain environmental toxins.

"Wait an hour after eating before going swimming." Nope, not true. Although it's probably beneficial to wait a little while before swimming to avoid cramps, there's no need to wait an entire hour. Professional athletes don't, and they rarely drown because they snacked before diving in.

"Chocolate causes acne." No, it does not! In fact, the contrary is true. Chocolate contains anti-oxidants which actually aid better skin and complexion. Acne is caused by bacteria, stress levels, the accumulation of dead skin cells, and hormonal activity. The next time you're hormonal, take your chocolate. You won't add insult to injury by getting zits.

"Chicken soup is good for a cold (and so many other things)." It IS true, in a circuitous kind of way. It's not a direct cure, but its ingredients help. When you're sick, you become dehydrated. Hot soup restores two vital ingredients in our bodies: water and salt, which are needed to hydrate your body.

"Cracking your knuckles causes arthritis." Wrong! Arthritis is caused by a variety of factors such as genetics, age, weight, previous injury, high-level sports and joint infections. If you crack your knuckles, your fingers will stretch out the lubricant between joints, known as synovial fluid. Bubbles then form in the fluid and they burst, hence the popping sound. And that's all there is to that.

Mama might have a thing or two to say about some of my own proclivities, too. Sometimes I do things I know I shouldn't do. I know before I do it that it's probably a bad idea, never mind that it seems like a good idea at the time. Whoa, mama -- the siren calls of some spots of trouble are simply irresistible. There are things to which I have no resistance. So, sue me. I am easily tempted if the circumstances and the phase of the moon are right. Say the right words and I'll show you my manuscript, send you a proposal, offer to help you out with a dozen different things, take your SOS call at 2:00 A.M., tell you my secrets. If it's sleek and fast, I want in. If it's innovative and exciting, I want a piece of it. If it's likely to snap me out of my comfortably numb inertia, I'm up for it. A lot of the time, it turns out okay. There are those times, however, when I end up getting myself busted into a million little pieces. I guess that's punishment enough for faltering, huh? Every time, I tell myself I'm not going to do that again. 'Til the next time. It doesn't look much like age is going to do anything towards mutating my addicted-to-danger gene. Maybe I should ask my mama about this. That would make her Mother's Day, wouldn't it?
Visual Poetry - ImageChef.com
Sighn the contract - The sound you make when you sign a PublishAmerica contract.

dose it all for free - Free drugs!

in the mean-time - Not included in the good-time.

non-the-less - No, this is cheaper than the other one.

statue of limitations - A sculpture done by a less than talented sculptor.

hygene - The gene that makes you tall.

I can't think of anything for these two. How about you?

negitive force

recemmond

ImageChef.com - Create custom images
Dear Young Sir,

No, you are not smarter than I. Hmph. Perhaps I failed to make myself clear in my previous communique. I do not care what you think. It's completely immaterial to anything in this reeking universe of Putrid Publishing. I live to insult young turks like you. Duh. What I have been smoking is (1) none of your business and (2) you're too young to know.

Don't threaten me with any fire-breathing flying cobra sharks, either. I eat sharks for breakfast, and I roast with them with the fire that I myself breathe. My flying monkeys clean up the mess. They can clean your clock, too, if you continue to push the envelope. And I don't believe there's any such thing as a cobra shark. If there is, bring it to me. I'll eat it, too.The bottom line here is, you'll get tone at any time I so decree. Moreover, you will take it. And learn to love it. And if you have any sense at all, you will cease and desist from threatening my flunkies. They need their noses, their jaws, and their right eyes to better serve me, thank you very much.

Now, write the book pronto and get it in here. If you so much as dream of Lulu, we shall arbitrate you out of existence because you, young sir, have already signed your contract. In blood. And believe me, we can get more out of you should you continue this nonsense.

Are we simpatico here? Hey, have a nice day!

Sincerely,
THE Goddess of Putrid (the artist formerly known as Jessimo)
_____________________
Dear TWIT,

Will there ever be any shortage of big-headed morons? They're everywhere. Speaking of which, why do so many of your employees have the same names as, well, Frederick, Maryland, criminals? Are they doppelgangers? Are y'all making zombies up there? Inquiring minds want to know.

Sincerely,
Inquiring Mind - Duh
_____________________
Dear TWIT,

Y'all ODd somebody on Kool-Aid, did the whole brainwashing thing on them, and trained them to be one of your head cheerleaders. Then, you up and fired them. Thing is, your Cult training is still running full-tilt boogie and this person is out of control, cavorting like a lunatic all over the Internet. Can't y'all do something to rein them in? I'd be willing to let you keep my next royalty check if you'll just DO something. Call it my contribution toward hiring a deprogrammer who knows what he's doing. Please, this person is actually trying to impersonate a functional human being with a brain. That ain't right. You created the monster; now you stop it.

Sincerely,
Getting Whiplash From All the Head-shaking


This is my excuse. What's yours?









Why are you Crazy?
You are in some kind of Truman show like existance
'Why are you Crazy?' at QuizGalaxy.com

17 comments:

Roxan said...

You have a leprechaun that lives on your shoulder and tells you to do bad things.
Wouldn't that just make me Irish? Not necessarily crazy. It could have been too much whisky.

Kanrei said...

I looked at myself in the mirror. I came here to be insulted by a random words? I'm gonna cry. I think I should look in the mirror for inspiration.

An apple a day does keep the doctor away if you can throw it hard enough.

My favorite goes along the same lines- you can't get blood from a stone....unless you aim really well.

Steve G said...

You watched E.T. one to many times. Funny that this came up. I probably saw E.T., the first time, 10 years after it came out. I shouldn't have waited so long. I was disappointed.

Serena Joy said...

I think you're right, Roxan. Those of us who are Irish have special dispensation to be as crazy as we wanna be.:)

Tell me which words insulted you, Kan, and I'll smack the dog snot out of 'em.

I haven't seen ET in years, Steve. I can barely remember what it was about. It is strange that it would come up, though.

Corn Dog said...

Wow! "Your parents are certifiably insane in the membrane" True except my 'rents are dead. I guess they can me remember as insane.

lol, I often OD'd on Kool-aid. I used to love it. I'm a big fan of the sugary drink. My dad was a doctor (ob/gyn) so he had all kinds of things to say, like "always wear cotton underwear or you'll get thrush. Don't bite your fingernails or you'll get stomach cancer. Don't pick up wild baby rabbits or you'll get tularemia." That last came about when he found 3 wild baby rabbits in my bath tub.

Serena Joy said...

I thought thrush was something that affects the tongue, CD. I don't think I want to go there. LOL. I've heard the warnings about cotton underwear, but not about fingernails and bunnies. I know my mother warned me about some very arcane ways in which a girl could get pregnant. I was practically afraid to leave the house all through high school.

tfg said...

If it's likely to snap me out of my comfortably numb inertia, I'm up for it.

At least you take the shot, unlike most, which is one of the many unattractive facets of "normalcy."

Serena Joy said...

Maybe, T. One of these days I'm probably going to fall on my butt and go splat. It would probably beat normalcy, though.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Apparently I'm crazy because the Man is after me. That is SO TRUE!

I'm all about apples and cotton undies and stuff. But Tularemia sounds like a place where you can go to gamble--right across the state line. Yet there it was, in the bathtub, all along!

I suppose I could have gotten Hantavirus from the baby mouse we rescued from the big box store that time, but I did it anyway. And even though we didn't do such a great job with the rescue (poor thing--we named him Menard--died), by golly we tried!

...Oh, shit, maybe THAT'S why I have the chronic cough! I have freakin' Hantavirus!

Serena Joy said...

Did they say which damn man, Greeny?:)

...Oh, shit, maybe THAT'S why I have the chronic cough! I have freakin' Hantavirus!

Good Lord, girl, do NOT read that stupid 'The Secret' book. Apparently, according to that silly voodoo shit, now that you've thought it, you HAVE it. LOL. See Rubber Corndog's blog for details.

Lee said...

Oh...I've given up worrying...I'm always doing something I shouldn't be doing...too late to change the pattern now!

G-Man said...

I think that the apple a day thing...Is being misundersood!!
Back in the old days when that saying was popular, they had no knowledge of anti-oxidins! Many people in the old days had a crappy diet. Castor Oil was a common household item for constipation!!
Folks discovered that apples made you quite regular...Hence, if you were regular all the time, you did not need to call the doctor...
Trust me on this, I'm old, and I was raised by old people!!
You always cause people to think Serena..Great Job !

Serena Joy said...

I don't worry about it, Lee. Too late now. The pattern has been laminated.:)

Good God, g-man, I remember castor oil. Freakin' torture in a bottle. Apples are much better, especially if they're baked up in a really sweet pie with a flaky, buttery crust. That'll keep us regular. If not, we're better off dead.:)

MXI said...

I'm not sure I like what you are implying about my mother. Are you suggesting she's a liar??

Serena Joy said...

A lesson in feminine psychology just for you, MXI: ALL mothers lie.:)

littlebirdblue said...

"You want to fit in with your crazy friends"

__________________

Sorry I was stumped by your twisteds today, SJoy.

Serena Joy said...

Those silly twisties were enough to stump the best of us, Littlebird.:)