Friday, May 11, 2007

Jolie Vendredi -- And TGIF

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I ain't talkin no big deals
I ain't made no plans myself
I ain't talkin no high heels
Maybe we could walkin around, all day long,
Walkin around, all day long

Hurt so good
Come on baby make it hurt so good
Sometimes love don't feel like it should
You make it hurt so good


(John Cougar Mellencamp, "Hurts So Good")

I'm over my masochistic whining and moaning bender of the past week or so -- which was sadistic of me to subject you all to, I know. I guess that kind of-sort of-loosely means that I know a little S&M now. I wonder how the job market is for dominatrixes? Aren't they the ones who get to have all the love slaves? Yeah, that's a weird thought. Tell me about it. It's been a weird and difficult week. I'm glad it's over. I hope next week runs much smoother.

If it's Friday, I'm guessing it must be Joke Day. I know, we completely missed Dress-Up Day yesterday. We'll do it next week -- if I can remember. I, too, have Can'tRememberShit. I completely forgot, for example, that it was my day to post on Verbicidal Tendencies and had to hustle this morning to get something ready. Twice recently, I thought it was my day when it wasn't. It's a wonder poor Hale McKay hasn't tried to get me a commitment hearing. Perhaps we could throw a telethon to try and find a cure, because I know I'm not the only one afflicted with this sorry sickness.

Jolie blonde, regardez donc quoi t'as fait,
Tu m'as quitte pour t'en aller,
Pour T'en aller avec un autre, oui, que moi,
Quel espoir et quel avenir, mais, moi, je vais avoir?

(Pretty blonde, look at what you've done,
You left me to go away,
To go away with another, yes, than me,
What hope and what future am I going to have?)


("Jole Blon," often referred to as the Cajun national anthem)


Blonde

A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful.

She left a note for her milkman to leave 25 gallons of milk.

When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant 2.5 gallons. So he knocked on the door to clarify the point.

The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note asking me to leave 25 gallons of milk. Did you mean 2.5 gallons?"

The blonde said, "I want 25 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath so I can look young and beautiful again."

The milkman asked, "Do you want it pasteurized?"

The blonde said, "No, just up to my boobs. I can splash it on my eyes."

Boudreaux

Chlotilde often made ole Boudreaux's life miserable wit her constant nagging and complaining. The only real peace he ever got was when he was out in the field plowing. One day while he was out in the field, Chlotilde brought his lunch to him. She stayed while he ate quietly, but berated him with a continuous stream of nagging and complaining.

Suddenly Boudreaux's old mule kicked up his back legs, stuck Chlotilde in the head, and killed her.

At the wake, Boudreaux's priest, Father Jules, noticed comething strange. When the women offered their sympathy to Boudreaux he would nod his head up and down, but when the men came up and spoke quietly to him, he would shake his head from side to side.

When the wake was over and all the mourners had left, Father Jules approached Boudreaux and asked, "Why was it that you nodded your head up and down to all the women and shook your head from side to side for all the men?"

"Well Fadda, it's like dis," replied Boudreaux, "Da wamens, dem, dey all see how nice Chlotilde look, hur, wit dat nice dress wit all da flowers on it and all. So me, ah agree wit dem by noddin' my hed up and down.

But da mens, dem, dey all axe, "Is dat mule faw sale?" and ad jis shake my hed 'no'."

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TWISTED LINGUISTICS

I arrested today's miscreants. Y'all punish 'em.

posiing
presurized
descovered
knomes
fraudulant
percetage


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Dear TWIT,

I see by my lunar calendar that it's royalty time in Putridville again. You owe me for at least two books. I should know -- I bought them from Amazon myself. AFTER my contract was cancelled. Gotcha! On the off chance that you actually intend to pay me the couple of bucks due, I'd like to request that you send the money instead to LemmingAid. This is a charitable organization dedicated to preventing any more senseless cliff jumps by lemmings. LA has promised to notify me when your generous contribution arrives. Don't write the check in invisible ink. That is highly stressful to lemmings.

Love,
One Rehabilitated Lemming
___________________
Dear TWIT,

Someone at Putrid should write a book titled "How To Live On The Pathetic Amount You Receive In Putrid Royalties" or "The Putrid Guide to Applying for Welfare." Don't let those pennies burn a hole in your pocket!!!

Worst regards,
Burned Chicken
___________________
Dear ChickenTWIT,

Thank you for the splendid idea! But you didn't sign your name. Bwaaaaak. Of course, we're all used to unsigned correspondence. I suppose you can't be blamed for not signing your e-mail, though. Getting caught would mean a session in the cellar with Billy-Bob, wouldn't it? Poor TWIT.

Love,
Wasted Away in Putridville

Another lying, dumbshit quiz.:)
Your Life is Rated R

Your life is definitely adults only. While children accompanied by parents are welcome, they'll probably be scarred for life.


Two quizzes in one day is way over the line, but I couldn't resist this one.
I knew it! This one maybe doesn't lie.
You're Kind of Stupid

You got 7/10 questions right!
There's some things most people know... except for you.

21 comments:

Roxan said...

***You're a Little Stupid***


You got 9/10 questions right!
Or at least careless. Better go back and recheck your answers!

I'll make up for it by scarring children with my R rated life. LOL

Kanrei said...

8/10

I am a little stupid (or I fake being smart well)

descovered- protective covering for a desk

knomes- a knighted gnome

Top cat said...

you crack me up!
Ok, I'm hooked. I love your blog.
I'm running like a madman today.
Just wanted to check in and say hey.
I'll be back tomorrow to catch up.
:)
tc

Serena Joy said...

I think I need a nap, Roxan. I first read that as "scaring chicken." Scarred chickens probably would scare children. We could try it and see.

Good definitions, Sir Knome. My stupidity always gets exposed in the Math questions. Otherwise, I fake it pretty well, too.

Hey, TC. I'm so happy to hear that I crack you up as opposed to scaring/scarring you.:) Sorry you're having one of those running like crazy days. Slow down!

Kanrei said...

Mine stands up and gets noticed on math, science, spelling, and common sense questions. In History and Pop Culture I am smrt...smArt.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Kan. Sometimes I fool myself and get the Math questions and flunk the common sense ones. I think it all depends on how tight my tinfoil is on any given day. Speaking of which, I have to go line up some potatoes now and try out some new armor designs on them. I get to use them for target practice afterwards, and then I fork holes in the leftover corpses and bake them. Yummy.

littlebirdblue said...

on the Stupid Quiz, I got 10 out of 10 questions right only by cheating and asking S for the answer to the triangle one.

on the rating;
"***Your Life is Rated PG-13***


Your life isn't totally scandalous, but you definitely don't shy away from adult themes!
___________________________

I don't care about nekkid people and booze, but I'm not so into the violence. Of course, Snatch is one of my favourite movies, so...

ThatGreenyFlower said...

I am PG 13 and not stupid. In fact, I'm a jeenyus.

Ok, you know I love the twisted linguistics. Lemme think...

ThatGreenyFlower said...

posiing - what happens when you're trying to sneak up to parker posey.

presurized - when you have secured your financing for your vacation in big sur prior to arriving there (?)

descovered - what it looks like in my office

knomes - medieval short people

fraudulant - like petulant, but lying

percetage - what part of your thinking capability is left after your percocet

Kanrei said...

Two bloggers agree so "Knome" is now the offical word for the vertically challenged from the days of yore.

So happy to reform a word gone wrong and to embrace it back into the realm of lexicon. Welcome to the fold you Knome.

Serena Joy said...

Okay, Littlebird, where are the nekkid people and the booze? It's Friday and I am BORED. LOL.

Greeny, you do such a wonderful job with the twisted stuff! Between you and Kan and Littlebird, I'm not even worried about losing my mind any more. As soon as I pop, y'all can take over the Twisted stuff without a hitch.

Somebody give that short old-fashioned knome a Percocet! Next: Knome, the Ultimate Role-Playing Game. Who wants to develop it?

ThatGreenyFlower said...

You'd best not pop, SJ, or I'll wither away from lack of laughter in my life...

Serena Joy said...

All righty, then, Greeny. I'll try to keep what's left of my brain stuffed in my head. This requires rather more effort than, say, stuffing one's bra.

tfg said...

Yes, it is very fortunate this week is over.

Serena Joy said...

Yes, T. You have no love slaves, either, huh?:)

Corn Dog said...

You Are Not Stupid
You got 10/10 questions right!
While acing this quiz doesn't prove you're a genius, you're at least pretty darn smart.

Hmm. The "You are not Stupid" is highly debateable. <--- Thank God, the quiz didn't have any spelling on it.

Steve G said...

Dat mule is not for sale. Another good one. Have a grand weekend.

G-Man said...

Serena Joy...
Have a great week-end..
I think that your readers could handle a little....Discipline!!

Serena Joy said...

Dang, CD, the thing called you a genius. Take it!:)

Happy weekend to you, Steve.

I think I can dole it out, g-man. You have a great weekend, too.

tfg said...

LOL....I cut the last one loose several weeks ago. I go through extremes with that kind of thing.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, T. Can I have it? Mine are escape artists.:)