Tuesday, May 08, 2007

Let Them Eat Fruitcake

Now that the Fruitcake Lady is dead and I am (one of these days, and not as far off as it once was, either) going to be a lady of a certain age, perhaps I could assume the mantle of her authority. I can dole out advice and tell other people how to manage their lives. No problema! I can't run my own life for squat, but we're not going to talk about that. That might be a pretty good job for me. I know some of y'all would be very good at helping me out with answering the fruitcake questions, too.





Boudreaux

Boudreaux, a Cajun highlander from Rapides Parish in central Louisiana, was an older, single gentleman, who was born and raised a Baptist, living in South Louisiana.

Each Friday night after work, he would fire up his outdoor grill and cook a venison steak. Now, all of Boudreaux's neighbors were Catholic ... and since it was Lent, they were forbidden from eating meat on Fridays. The delicious aroma from the grilled venison steaks was causing such a problem for the Catholic faithful that they finally talked to their priest.

The priest came to visit Boudreaux, and suggested that Boudreaux convert to Catholicism.

After several classes and much study, Boudreaux attended Mass ... and as the priest sprinkled holy water over him, he said, "You were born a Baptist and raised a Baptist, but now you are a Catholic."

Boudreaux's neighbors were greatly relieved, until Friday night arrived, and the wonderful aroma of grilled venison filled the neighborhood.

The priest was called immediately by the neighbors and, as he rushed into Boudreaux's yard, clutching a rosary and prepared to scold him, he stopped in amazement and watched.

There stood Boudreaux, clutching a small bottle of water which he carefully sprinkled over the grilling meat, and chanted: "You wuz born a deer, and you wuz raised a deer, but now you a catfish."


More fruitcake, in the form of Twisted Linguistics

responce - To sponce and sponce again. We're not sure what sponcing is.

irrevelant - An heretical but immaterial ghost (revenant).

alledgedly - Al led the G.E.D.ly crowd.

romantiac - A serial killer who brings flowers and wine.

stoke of a pen - When everything else flammable is gone and you're down to using your pens and pencils for kindling to stoke the fire.













Dear TWIT,

There's this lady I know who has a really bad case of the butt for you right now. She suffers from estrogen poisoning every full moon but, otherwise, she's okay. The thing is, she sent you her manuscript while she was in the throes of a slight psychotic break. She's better now and realizes she made a big mistake. When she asked you for her book back, you apparently told her to go perform an anatomically unlikely act upon herself and she is much aggrieved. I am, therefore, doing my civic duty and warning you that she just bought an Uzi. A pink one. I'd give her the book back if I were you. It's not that good, anyway, and she couldn't sell caviar to starving millionaires. It's not going to make either one of you any money. Give it back. Or get a Kevlar vest. Please don't make me have to give her any more bad news. You don't even want to know what she can do -- and did -- with a Samurai sword.

Sincerely,
Concerned Citizen
__________________
Dear TWIT,


Y'all are always begging for apologies, so I just want to say I'm sorry. It was wrong of me to send the fake immigration officer to see you. I never should have sicced that phony FCC lady on you. I admit it was stupid to call and tell you there was an imaginary SWAT team outside your door. I shouldn't have sent the bogus stripper to Betty's birthday party, either. Who knew she'd get so into it? I admit it, I get bored and need a drama fix every now and then. But I'm sorry. And I hope that you will now set your hellhound of a lawyer on me and threaten to revoke my contract.

Sincerely,
The Faker Queen

P.S. Oh, the FBI forensic accountant, US Marshal, and IRS agent who will show up at your office today at noon? They're for real.
___________________
Dear TWIT,


I would like to know why I can't call a twit a twit.

I would like to know how you feel your Great Debater did. Are you as embarrassed as you should be?

I would like to know why you have not replied to my now week-old letter asking to be let the hell out of my Satan's spawn of a contract.

I would like to know why there have been mass releases from your dungeons lately and, more importantly, where in blazes MY release from you is.

I would like to know why my password to your stupid boards no longer works. Yeah, it's stupid. Neener-neener-neener. That doesn't mean I don't want to see what your quasi-literates are saying. Forewarned is forearmed, after all.

I would like to know if you're any closer to tucking your tails and running.

I would like to know which one of you thought up the CYA idea of "fast-tracking/no editing."I know you're going to hold up my release now that I've asked you these impertinent questions. I admit it, that scares the bejesus out of me, but not as much as the thought of being bound to you for five more years.

Sincerely,
Call Me Curious and Yellow



You Are an Afternoon Person

You can find energy any time of the day ... or night!
You prefer to be out and about when most other people are.
Very early mornings or very late nights aren't really your thing.
You're practically solar powered, and the afternoon is when do best.



24 comments:

MXI said...

Night Person,no surprise there.

You've never sponced?? Maybe that's the problem,I feel one should sponce at least once a week, you will feel like a whole new person!

Serena Joy said...

So, MXI, sponcing is a good thing? Where can I sign up for it? I won't need lessons, will I?

Roxan said...

***You Are a Night Person***


For you, there's nothing worse than having to get up and moving early.
In fact, you probably don't hit your peak until well after the sun has set.
So if your struggling to make it on a normal schedule, realize it's not your fault.
You just weren't meant to do anything during the day!

Daughter's work schedule is killing me. LOL

MXI said...

No you don't need lessons or sign up for sponcing, but you will need a tea strainer, a bike helmet and a Dr. Pepper (diet if you can find it).

Serena Joy said...

I'm actually more of a night person, too, Roxan.

you will need a tea strainer, a bike helmet and a Dr. Pepper (diet if you can find it).

I can do that, MXI. Now what?

tfg said...

I'm definitely a night person. When ever I have more than 2 days off, my schedule slowly creeps towards staying up until 5am and sleeping all day.

Serena Joy said...

T, what in the world are you doing 'til 5:00 A.M.? You're not ... sponcing, are you?

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

I think I dated a romantiac.
xx
pinks

Reverend Sumangali Tania Pink said...

ps - it was fun while it lasted - a LOT of sponcing ;)

Serena Joy said...

Yeah, Rev. Pinks, as long as the sponcing is good and you frisk them when they come in, you can overlook their other quirks. LOL.

tfg said...

Not so much lately. I'm on a self-imposed sponce diet.

Serena Joy said...

I don't think diets are good for you, T. I think we all should be sponcing more. Who cares if we get fat?

littlebirdblue said...

That quiz lied. It said I was an afternoon person, when I said I wake easily in the morning, stay up all night, and wind down in the afternoon. Afternoon is the ONLY time I'm NOT up and about.

Unfathomable.

Serena Joy said...

The quizzes are unreliable, Littlebird. They perhaps ... sponce.

Lee said...

I never head my own advice, so how could I possibly expect others to?

Corn Dog said...

Lying Quiz. I am a night person. I think.

Steve G said...

but now you a catfish. Good one, Serena.

Serena Joy said...

I know, Lee. I freely admit that I can hand out advice but suck at taking it.

Yes, CD, I believe you are a night person. You're always busiest when I'm sound asleep.

I love Boudreaux jokes, Steve.

puerileuwaite said...

I gave up Holy Water for Fire Water, which, if you have enough of it, allows you to be anything for a short while. In a way, it is my "Fountain of Youth".

- Pug "Sponce De Leon" Puerileuwaite

Serena Joy said...

I've been soaking up holy water like a sponce, trying to keep from becoming desponcent and suffering a responce. Hallelujah.

Top cat said...

I'm definitely a morning person.
Mr chipper, "hi, good morning, how are you today? beautiful day yesterday, of course I'm all wet but we really need the rain."
Thanks for the laughs, that's the first time I've seen the fruitcake lady, she was funny as hell. Not that hell is funny, especially for those who are living there but to us outsiders it does make us chuckle a bit.
Hi Adolf..what's that, you're hot?
sorry about the oven thing man.
John Wayne Gacy..what? I can't hear you, you're muffled. Oh you're buried under the house for eternity..damn, how about a little lime with that dirt!
Look what you've done to me serena, you've caused me to babble endlessly about dark stuff.lol
I think I'll go back to being nice kitty.:)
tc
I liked responce.

Serena Joy said...

Forget nice kitty, Top Cat. I adore dark and babbling men. If I can make 'em babble about hellfire and lime, I've done my job. Thanks for stopping by. Don't be a stranger. (Not that I do evil things to strangers; I'm just saying.)

Top cat said...

just leave a bowl of food out on the porch and I'll be a repeat offender.(wags tail)
tc

Serena Joy said...

You got it, TC. Tender Vittles okay?