Thursday, May 03, 2007

Moon Be Gone

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I'm better now. The bad moon is gone -- or at least moving along -- and I am once again in possession of my faculties. Somewhat. Between bad moon rays and thunderstorms, it was like hell's a-poppin' around here last night. Moon's on the wane now, along with the extreme heat of the past few days, and the air feels much more breathable. My head is clearer, I'm no longer jumping out of my skin (much) and it's looking very much like I just might live after all. Who knows, perhaps I'll be completely over it just in time for TWO full moons next month. Oh, what bounty. Ain't life grand? I'd pack my bags, change my identity, and try to outrun it but...

Nowhere to run, baby, nowhere to hide
Got nowhere to run to, baby, nowhere to hide

~ (Martha & the Vandellas, "Nowhere to Run")

I spent about 30 seconds this morning staring at my wrist, trying to see what time it was, before it dawned on me that, duh, I didn't have my watch on. I could be senile by the time of the next full moon, in which case I won't know what it is and won't have to worry about it.

I don't even mind that it's dark and rainy today. It somehow seems appropriate.

You just kinda wasted my precious time
But don't think twice, it's all right

(~ Bob Dylan, "Don't Think Twice")

Today's Charm Pointer

Q. As you know, Charm Lady, the Queen is in America. What should I wear when I meet her?

A. I recommend a burlap sack. You can't go wrong there. #1, you'll look dowdier than the Queen. She'll like that. #2, if you dribble your food at dinner, nobody will notice. #3, if you fall flat on your face while curtsying, somebody can grab your drawstring and yank you back up. And #4, the guards like the sacks because it makes it harder to run if they have to shoot you. - Create custom images
manscript - The lines some unimaginative Lotharios read to the ladies.

10 dollors - How much more than $2.00 a dolled-up hooker can get.

porcelin - Toilets for the porcine set.

Dear Twit,

There was a recent attempt to hack into my website. That wouldn't have been you, would it?

Pissed And Sassy Site Owner -- the one and only

Dear PatentlyAsinineSilly Girl,

How dare you accuse of us such a dastardly act! Why, the sting of your blow is resonating all over my office and smacking me in the head like an ill fitting glove. I will expect your prompt apology for this childish outburst, and then you're going to go and see Uncle Bill. Trust me, he will put the fear in you.

Just between you and me, I heard there could have been a donkey involved in your attack. All I know is that we didn't do it. It makes us really angry that you would suspect us. I'm so upset that I think I'm going to start revising the "Tone" dropdown menu and, ahem, get us some new IP numbers while I'm at it. I'm also so upset that I'm not even going to give you any Tone until I come up with something new.

Even though you didn't sign the non-disparage agreement, we will be expecting your check in the amount of $5,000 for scaring us so badly. Like we don't have enough heat to worry about. I am so tired of all you drama queens out there. Why the hell didn't you query Random House?

Not a bit sincerely,
AuthorSwindling Team
Dear TWIT,

This question is for your Zobmi Girl. I hear tell she has an assassination with Bill ever Wednesday afternoon at the Motel Hell. Is that true? If it is what do they do their? Are they thinking up knew skemes? Correlaborating the offshore bank account numbers? Getting there papers in order? I know it can't be sex stuff. Ewwww. I mean who would do that? I don't think even that poor incontinent author woman in the rubber room at the home would touch that. Well I think there is laws against that and they won't let her cop no please neither. Tell her the peeons is wise to her and to cut it out. Thank you very much.

Madly, Gladly Not Yours,
Grossed Out

Your Androgynous Name Is:

Sun Lindsay


Roxan said...

***Your Androgynous Name Is:***

Kim Riley

I like that name. Quiz is making up for yesterday.
Being as my mother was Irish and a extremely distant relation of the queen. Would it be inappropriate to ask the queen for a loan?

Serena Joy said...

I think it would be wildly appropriate for you to ask the Queen for a loan. I'm asking her for a castle and an army myself.

Anonymous said...

***Your Androgynous Name Is:***

Rowan Nicky

Better than Crowan Dicky.

Serena Joy said...

ROTFL, Steve. If I could get a better name, I might consider becoming an androgyne. That would be different.

tfg said...

I haven't worn a watch in about 10 years and I still find myself occasionally looking at my naked wrist to tell the time.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

My androgynous name is "Quinn Eden." I like that so much I might actually change my real name...

puerileuwaite said...

My partially hydrogenated name is "Cholesterol".

Hale McKay said...

Shawn Randy? Last names aren't adjectives, are they?

Serena Joy said...

T, I guess I'd rather look at naked wrists than some other naked things.

Mondo cool name, Greeny. It would make a great pen name, don't you think?

Hello, Cholesterol. My name is Mud.

Yes, Mike, sometimes they are.

Corn Dog said...

I'm Lee Rae but I think I would like to be called Artichoke Hold.

Corn Dog said...

In a pinch, maybe I could be called Purex.

Jack K. said...

Quinn Radclyffe here.

Now why couldn't I have thought of that one?

All the time I was considering Matzcho Dypstyque.

littlebirdblue said...

***Your Androgynous Name Is:***

Angel Fergie

Yeah: My Euro-trash royalty androgynous stripper name.

tight, angular handwriting with absolutely no loops and NEVER a happy face to dot an "i", nor hearts, nor bulbous exclamation points. In fact, no exclamation points at all. Ever. Though now we're crossing over into mangrammar.

Serena Joy said...

I think I would like to be called Artichoke Hold.

CD, if I were to call myself Hedda Lock, we could rope us in an agent and take up wrestling.

I was considering Matzcho Dypstyque.

Quinn Radclyffe actually sounds quite suave and sophisticated, Jack, but I think I'd like Matzcho better.

Euro-trash or not, Littlebird, at least you got an "angel" in your name. I'd probably have a hell harpie in mine.

You're right on target with manscript. I'm pretty sure that's exactly what it is. We should perhaps co-author a primer on mangrammar.