Stinkin' Don't Give A Rat's Ass Blues

Everybody gets the blues. You get it, too, and don't tell me you don't. I won't believe you. I had it yesterday, full-tilt boogie -- irritable, weepy, didn't eat, snappish, obsessing about stupid shit. I just wanted (needed) to be left alone. You know how it goes. Today I'm over it, but I'm paying the price -- headachy, starving, drained and scatter-brained. I'm pretty sure I see a pinkish tinge to my world, though, so normalcy returns. As normal as I get, anyway.

That being said, I didn't write the following. I don't know who did. I don't care who did. Somebody did, and it ended up in my mailbox via one of those ubiquitous "forwards." As far as I'm concerned, that makes it public domain. I didn't feel like writing anything today, so this looks good to go to me.

Are you tired of all those sissy-ass "friendship poems" that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath ... I pledge it till the end. "Why?" you may ask. Why, because you are my friend. Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.


Charm Pointer

Q. At formal dinner parties, what is the purpose of the tiny little 3-tined fork in the place setting?

A. It's used in conjunction with the butter knife to fend off and/or discipline your dinner partner(s). To increase its efficacy if you have to stick someone, dip it in the cocktail sauce first. As long as everyone is behaving, you may (borrrrrrr-ing) use it to eat your seafood.

Q. Do I have to write a thank you note for a Dear John letter?

A. No, but thank you for asking and -- screw you very much if you're John.

actaully - It's slurred, but it means "act awfully."

vengance - Hell if I know this one. Anyone?

disibility - A disenfranchised hillbilly.

undertand - Still too pale to put on that summer bikini.

predjudiced - Chopped up predatory juicy fruits.

competitative - Comfortable meditation exercises for pets.



Dear TWIT,

Since Betty is out of the running to play witness at Tuesday's arbitration hearing, which wit do you plan to send in her place?

Sincerely,
Cat Looking for a Christmas Toy
___________________
Dear Cat,

Your accusations are without merit and therefore not in need of a reply. We've heard the silly rumors that the High Sheriff of (That Place) is said to be coming to our fair city next week. We eagerly await his arrival. We will take great satisfaction in shooting down his complaints one by one. The publicity generated from this farce will expand our company a thousand fold and will resonate like a glove from sea to shining sea through all the fruited plains and beyond. Once we shoot down the sheriff, nothing will stop us from taking over the world!!!!!

Signed,
Glove Resonator
___________________
Dear Gloved One,

Ewww, that sounds perverted. Do you know Michael Jackson?

If I were you, Miss Resonating TWIT, I wouldn't be taking such a cavalier attitude about the Sheriff's arrival. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if he were to shoot the living crap out of your little burg. Metaphorically speaking, of course; don't get your knickers in a twist. You might get some publicity, all right, but I'm betting you're not going to like it.

Happy trails,
The Pink Twig Kid
____________________
Dear Twit:

It's my understanding that once you lose this arbitration that the employees will be spending the next few days dealing with an overly depressed Big Billy. An overly abrasive Bobby-Bill who will go from employee to employee screaming for them to find a good sales pitch for the authors so you can pay the award. And an overly weepy Betty, not just because of the death in her family, but because you've lost again. I'm sure your employees are looking forward to this about as much as a root canal! Tell me, will there be another round of firings and new hires so you can place an add on PRWeb indicating you've hired new staff?

Sincerely,
Just Wondering

Your 2005 Song Is

Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson "But since you've been gone I can breathe for the first time I'm so moving on" In 2005, you moved on.

What Hit Song of 2005 Are You?