Friday, May 04, 2007

Stinkin' Don't Give A Rat's Ass Blues

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Everybody gets the blues. You get it, too, and don't tell me you don't. I won't believe you. I had it yesterday, full-tilt boogie -- irritable, weepy, didn't eat, snappish, obsessing about stupid shit. I just wanted (needed) to be left alone. You know how it goes. Today I'm over it, but I'm paying the price -- headachy, starving, drained and scatter-brained. I'm pretty sure I see a pinkish tinge to my world, though, so normalcy returns. As normal as I get, anyway.

That being said, I didn't write the following. I don't know who did. I don't care who did. Somebody did, and it ended up in my mailbox via one of those ubiquitous "forwards." As far as I'm concerned, that makes it public domain. I didn't feel like writing anything today, so this looks good to go to me.

Are you tired of all those sissy-ass "friendship poems" that always sound good but never actually come close to reality? Well, here is a series of promises that really speaks to true friendship.

1. When you are sad - I will help you get drunk and plot revenge against the sorry bastard who made you sad.

2. When you are blue - I will try to dislodge whatever is choking you.

3. When you smile - I will know you finally got laid.

4. When you are scared - I will rag on you about it every chance I get.

5. When you are worried - I will tell you horrible stories about how much worse it could be and to quit whining.

6. When you are confused - I will use little words.

7. When you are sick - Stay the hell away from me until you are well again. I don't want whatever you have.

8. When you fall - I will point and laugh at your clumsy ass.

This is my oath ... I pledge it till the end. "Why?" you may ask. Why, because you are my friend. Send this to 10 of your closest friends, then get depressed because you can only think of 4.
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Q. At formal dinner parties, what is the purpose of the tiny little 3-tined fork in the place setting?

A. It's used in conjunction with the butter knife to fend off and/or discipline your dinner partner(s). To increase its efficacy if you have to stick someone, dip it in the cocktail sauce first. As long as everyone is behaving, you may (borrrrrrr-ing) use it to eat your seafood.

Q. Do I have to write a thank you note for a Dear John letter?

A. No, but thank you for asking and -- screw you very much if you're John.


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actaully - It's slurred, but it means "act awfully."

vengance - Hell if I know this one. Anyone?

disibility - A disenfranchised hillbilly.

undertand - Still too pale to put on that summer bikini.

predjudiced - Chopped up predatory juicy fruits.

competitative - Comfortable meditation exercises for pets.


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Dear TWIT,

Since Betty is out of the running to play witness at Tuesday's arbitration hearing, which wit do you plan to send in her place?

Sincerely,
Cat Looking for a Christmas Toy
___________________
Dear Cat,

Your accusations are without merit and therefore not in need of a reply. We've heard the silly rumors that the High Sheriff of (That Place) is said to be coming to our fair city next week. We eagerly await his arrival. We will take great satisfaction in shooting down his complaints one by one. The publicity generated from this farce will expand our company a thousand fold and will resonate like a glove from sea to shining sea through all the fruited plains and beyond. Once we shoot down the sheriff, nothing will stop us from taking over the world!!!!!

Signed,
Glove Resonator
___________________
Dear Gloved One,

Ewww, that sounds perverted. Do you know Michael Jackson?

If I were you, Miss Resonating TWIT, I wouldn't be taking such a cavalier attitude about the Sheriff's arrival. Wouldn't surprise me a bit if he were to shoot the living crap out of your little burg. Metaphorically speaking, of course; don't get your knickers in a twist. You might get some publicity, all right, but I'm betting you're not going to like it.

Happy trails,
The Pink Twig Kid
____________________
Dear Twit:

It's my understanding that once you lose this arbitration that the employees will be spending the next few days dealing with an overly depressed Big Billy. An overly abrasive Bobby-Bill who will go from employee to employee screaming for them to find a good sales pitch for the authors so you can pay the award. And an overly weepy Betty, not just because of the death in her family, but because you've lost again. I'm sure your employees are looking forward to this about as much as a root canal! Tell me, will there be another round of firings and new hires so you can place an add on PRWeb indicating you've hired new staff?

Sincerely,
Just Wondering




Your 2005 Song Is

Since You've Been Gone by Kelly Clarkson

"But since you've been gone
I can breathe for the first time
I'm so moving on"

In 2005, you moved on.

23 comments:

leelee said...

SJ - Those were great...made me smile, glad you are slowly but surely returning to your own version of normalcy.

I took your quiz:

Your 2005 Song Is
Beverly Hills by Weezer

"My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me"

You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style


lol...weezer...lol

Serena Joy said...

I've concluded that I do not know what normal is. If I did, it would probably scare me.:)

Roxan said...

***Your 2005 Song Is***
Beverly Hills by Weezer

"My automobile is a piece of crap
My fashion sense is a little whack
And my friends are just as screwy as me"

You breezed through 2005 in your own funky style!

leelee and I must have had an interesting 2005. LOL

tfg said...

I believe that the small, three tined fork is actually for stabbing people's hands who try to snitch from your plate. BTW, normalcy is boring and utterly unbecoming.

Serena Joy said...

I must have spent 2005 in a vacuum. I have no idea who Weezer is.:)

Serena Joy said...

So, T, you're saying that if we were at the same dinner table and I snatched something off your plate, you'd stab my hand? That's fair, I guess.

Normalcy. Boring. Unbecoming. Talk to me.

cathy said...

That's my favourite friendship promises list. My brother sent it to me so it is probably on ejokes somewhere. It still made me laugh when I saw it again here.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

My song was by someone I'd never heard of and the gist of the deep and meaningful interpretation was that I was glad 2005 was over. Mostly true, I guess.

Sorry you've been in a funk, SJ. You're normally so upbeat and vivacious-seeming that it's weird to see you in the dumps. I'm glad the world's starting to look rosy again for you, though. "That which does not kill us makes us stronger," as I have said to myself many many many many times.

Serena Joy said...

Glad you enjoyed it, Cathy.

Stuff happens sometimes, Greeny. Then it passes. It didn't kill me, so I sure as hell hope it made me a little stronger.)

leelee said...

Serena...I have heard OF the band weezer...I have a teenage daughter, but never actually heard a song by them...but I always really liked their name...lol....weezer....lol

Roxan...frankly I can remember 1978 better than I can recall 2005..go figure

Roxan said...

I have no idea who Weezer is. My kids probably do. I also remember 1978 better-I was pregnant. LOL

Serena Joy said...

I guess I'll have to Google Weezer to get a clue. I sort of wish it was still 1978.

puerileuwaite said...

Allow me to present "A Taste of Weezer":

"What's wit' these homies
dissin' my girl?
What do dey gotta front?

What did we ever
do to dese guys?
Dat they turn so vi-o-lent?"


- Weezer
Opening to "Buddy Holly"

:-)

Serena Joy said...

Thank you, Puggy. I don't like it. Maybe I'll like it better tomorrow. Today I don't like jackshit.

Lee said...

I get the "blues" often...and then I get the "mean reds"...and they are worse. Both are very cunning and sneak up on you when you least expect them to do so.

I had a huge cry watching some silly show on tv the other...something in it...just a small thing set me off...but in a way it does one good to have a good cry...cleans out everything and you can start anew...until the next time!

Corn Dog said...

I bought one CD by Weezer but it sucked and I got rid of it. I tried Weezer on and it was not a good fit.

I never get the blues anymore. I don't know what to blame - me, the missing chunk of cranial material or the anti-seizure drugs. I've become The Village Idiot.

Steve G said...

When you smile, I'll know you got laid. That's good.

Serena Joy said...

I don't get the blues often, Lee, and they have to be precipitated by specific events. But -- what are the mean reds? I might not mind having that.

Greetings, Queen Corn Dog. I am my village's idiot. Not that I believe you are yours. Still, maybe we oughta start a rumble?

LOL, Steve.

littlebirdblue said...

I couldn't take that quiz, because The only person/band I'd ever heard of in that line-up was Ben Folds Five, because William Shatner's Has Been is one of my (rare modern) favourite albums.

I like this one;
When you are confused - I will use little words.

littlebirdblue said...

O yeah, and this:
vengance--a sub-category of Genre Romance, in which the happy endings inevitably involve the demise of the main character's evil ex.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Littlebird. I believe I have found my genre. And my calling.:)

Liz said...

I like those friendship promises!

I don't know about those little forks, but Husband and I come close to playing touch with knives when there are chips left on one or the other's plate.

Serena Joy said...

They hid all the knives at my house. The knife sharpening thingie can make fork tines wicked sharp, though. LOL.