If I Only Had A Brain...

I could wile away the hours
Conferrin' with the flowers
Consultin' with the rain
And my head I'd be scratchin'
While my thoughts were busy hatchin'
If I only had a brain

Your Saturday Weird Fix

Schnack Hot Dog Eating Contest

When: Throughout May
Where: Brooklyn, NY
What: Frankfurter contenders who flock to Coney Island in July can cram upward of 50 dogs in one sitting, but they're garden-variety wieners. Not so at this contest, whose grail is the polishing off of a 30-inch 'furter in a 28-inch bun.

Zoopolis 500

When: May 23
Where: Indianapolis
What: Slow and steady very definitely wins the race each spring in Indy, as two colossal tortoises named Lyn and AJ don checkered hoods and prepare to start their engines on a 125-foot track -- with fruit and veggies luring them to the finish line.

Picklefest 2007

When: May 18-19
Where: Atkins, Ark.
What: An old-fashioned gherkin gala, Arkansas style. Sprinters show off in the Pickle Races, chuggers compete to see who can down a jar of brine the fastest and, of course, the Pickle Queen is crowned.

Duck-a-Thon

When: May 19
Where: Huntington Beach, Calif.
What: Gentlemen, mark your ducks! More than 3,000 bath-time staples (rubber duckies) will be pitched off a pier into the surf as a breathless audience watches and waits. The first quackers to float ashore win prizes, and the whole thing benefits charity.

Mike the Headless Chicken Days

When: May 18-19
Where: Fruita, Colo.
What: Few stories are as inspiring (or disturbing) as that of Mike, a chicken who survived decapitation in 1945 and went on to live a happy, headless life for 18 months. His spirit is honored once a year at Fruita's huge Mike-themed party, with events like a Peep-Eating Contest and more.


Tired of Nigerian letters and other scams of that ilk? You can have some fun with them at this site


Loyalty Between Men:
A man didn't come home one night.
The next day he told his wife that he had slept over at a friend's house. The woman called her husband's 10 best friends.
None of them knew about it.

Loyalty Between Women:
A woman didn't come home one night.
The next day she told her husband that he had slept over at a friend's house.

The man called his wife's 10 best friends.

Eight of them confirmed that she had slept over, and two claimed that she was still there.

Twisted Linguistics - Words Gone Wild:

Saturday free-for-all. Y'all define 'em.

Congrtatulatons

distain

excersion


Dear TWIT

Dear Wonder Girl,

Who says we're going to lose? Where is that written? Okay, okay, we probably will lose, but who are you to gloat over it? Be assured that we are not depressed, not weepy, and not writing press releases. Instead, Bobby-Bill's gassing up the helicopter and checking the bank balances (because we don't trust Billy-Bob with that) and I'm off momentarily to get a new passport photo. Don't you worry your empty little head about us. We'll be setting up shop somewhere else before you can say Vanity Press. Be sure and send us your new ms once you track us down. Mwhahahahaha!

Smoochies,
Betty
______________________
Dear TWIT,

I am sick of Putrid Publishing. I wish I had never heard of PP, and rue the day I did hear of it. I had a freakin' life before then. Now, I can't even get an original thought. Anything and everything having to do with you TWITs causes nothing but trouble. I wish Latvia would declare war on you and nuke you. In fact, I sent their king a letter and let it slip that you people are stockpiling WMD in the cellar. Is there any chance at all that you will simply go away willingly?

With sickest regards,
Worn Out and Weary
______________________
Dear TWIT,

I hear y'all are hustling to and fro trying to raise funds to pay yet another judgment. Well, I'm willing to help you out a little. I'm offering to buy the following items from you at a fair price, and I'll even draw up the non-negotiable sales contract. This is the stuff I'll take off your hands:

Legendary Speel-Checker - $0.50
The Darf in the corner - $5.00
That Zobmi out of the cellar - $2.00
The fabled Echelon Ladder - $3.98
The Tone files - $4.00
Photo of Betty - Priceless*
Bobby-Bill's helicopter - $8.00
My Contract - Priceless*
Your lawyer - $0.10
TOTAL: $6.66

Ooops, guess I'm using the same Math you do, huh?

Sincerely wishing you into oblivion,
Loves a Bargain

*Priceless means you have to give it up for free, not one red penny, and ship it from one shining sea, across the fruited plain, to the other shining sea, at no cost to me, just because you value me so highly and wish to give me every single chance I deserve.

You are a Lavender Rose

You represent love at first sight and enchantment. Your vibe: intense and intriguing Falling in love with you is: deep and meaningful

What Color Rose Are You?