Sunday, May 06, 2007

La Vida Loca

I'm living the good wild crazy life. You bet. Here's how I can tell.

- I still have (half) a job in these hard times.

- I can still afford gas for my Smurfmobile.

- I get a lesson in humility approximately every fifth Wednesday. Sometimes they take, sometimes not.

- I've never been to prison. But I never say never -- though I'll bet Paris Hilton did. Speaking of whom (albeit I think I vowed not to speak of her but sometimes I don't keep promises), who do you suppose will hawk the first "Liberate Paris" tee-shirt?

- How do we know we're not all committing half a dozen crimes and misdemeanors every day? They write new laws all the time but don't bother telling us about most of them. Is it even still legal to talk on a cell phone while walking on the street in pink shoes?

- I can loll about languishing in lethargy better than anyone else I know -- and enjoy doing it.

- By the same token, I can waste more time than any other human I know -- and relish doing it.

- Is the plural of dumbass dumbassii?

- My piercings are discreet, and if I have a tattoo, you'll never see it.

- My dog adores me and my kid tolerates me. That's not so bad.

- My siblings and my parents still speak to me.

- I'm stubborn enough to never have to do anything I really, really don't want to do.

- Alas, I am also stupid enough to have fallen for a couple of scams. In fact, sometimes I'm too gullible to live. In some societies, I'd have been executed decades ago.





I find the above of particular interest because they all come from a person who bills him/herself as a "professional editor" -- meaning, for money. Would you pay for that?

dinking - Popping somebody upside the head, gently, so they don't notice it too much.

psuedonym - Pssst -- I'm going to sue 'da nympho.

thermometor - Red-hot projectile from space, not quite a meteor but bad enough.


Dear TWIT,

I do not like your automated phone answering system. At all. The options are:
If you have a royalty question, press 1
If you have a contractual question, press 2
If you hate your cover, press 3
If you have an editing problem, press 4
If you want to bash us, press 5
If you dislike us, press 6
If you want to shut us down, press 7
If you want to file legal proceedings against us, press 8
If you think you're sexy, press 9
If you are calling about all of the options provided, please press 11.

Bwhahahahahaha! Listen, I'm sorry, but there's no eleven on my phone. What do I do?

Sincerely confused,
Deer TWIT,

Don't nobody never anser my leeters but that don't stop me. I keep writting because you no whut it is good practice for when I am a certiflied writter. Now this is not to say I am going to get my certiflicayshun from you because you know and I know that ain't not never going to happen. But it keeps my skeels sharp do you know what I mean? So hear is why I am writting to you today.

I have gotted another one of them their lettres of yourn trying to sell me back my own books only this time you seems to think I might by 60 just so I can get a discount and a mini royaltie. Pu-leeze! My credit cards has all been confriscated. I ain't got no job becasue I got farred for trying to sell your companys books to my cooworkers. I'm living in a microwave box under a bridge like some dam troll. Its true my box is in the Red Lite district and I could maybe earn enuff ever nite for a Big Mac and frys only I got no close, no teethbrush, no hairbrush, no deoderent, no nothing. I'd be a hard sell you know what I mean? Almost as hard as your dam books. What I am saying to you is that I can't by no more books so please stop sending me these sells pitches before I start loosing my mine and forgets how to writ and ends up in a tomb somewhere with a steak thorough my hart.

Thank you, thank you very much.

Sincerely flat broke,
Disgusted Writter
Dear fbDW,

And your point is? As if we care!

1,000,000 and counting

Check your fortune today. You never know, it may have changed since last time you checked.

You never know who you touch inappropriately
'What is your Fortune?' at


MXI said...

Fortune: Buy a chicken it is a wise investment
(I have lived by this for many years now)

I never worry about what the laws are, or what I should be doing, I just go till someone tells me to stop.

PS- Lets' see the tattoo!!

Roxan said...

Are we having quiz reruns? Mine said something about cake.

I often fight with my conscience when it comes to the letter of the law vs the spirit of the law.

Anonymous said...

No person is without enemies. Except for you and Arnold Schwarzenegger.

Yes, I am from California.

Serena Joy said...

Buy a chicken it is a wise investment

Yes, MXI, but aren't there laws regulating what you may and may not do with said chicken?

P.S. -- I said "if." I'm not saying I have one.

Are we having quiz reruns? Mine said something about cake.

Maybe so, Roxan. Maybe so. It wouldn't surprise me.

Sometimes the letter v. the spirit is a tough call.

Yes, I am from California.

LOL, Steve. I don't even have that as an excuse.

tfg said...

I'm stubborn enough to never have to do anything I really, really don't want to do.

I'm the same way, but I always thought it was because I'm an asshole. Nevertheless, I think this is one of the keys to happiness.

Serena Joy said...

Well, if it makes me happy, T, and it makes you happy, too, my guess is there's no assholery involved and we should continue to be as stubborn as we wanna be.

Hale McKay said...

A professional editor, huh? For what publication - Spelling for Dummies?

Serena Joy said...

LOL. That's what it should be, instead of purportedly freelance for some publisher. I'm pretty sure it must be one of those publishers to be avoided.

Corn Dog said...

Fortune: Remember where you buried your treasure.

What am I? A squirrel? Is my name Squirrel Nutkin? Sheesh O'Dear.

Oh Man, I wanna get drunk.

Lee said...

Good to see you're back to your perky self, Serena, now that the moon is on the wan.

There would be few among us who've not broken a law or two during our included!

Southern Writer said...

A starship ride has been promised to you by the Galactic emperor.

Chris Rock once said if Ricky Martin doesn't get another hit song soon, he's going to be living La Vida Broka. This reminds me of a dance video I like. I'm going to go find it and post it. The dance war is on, lady.

December Quinn said...

Lol "Liberate Paris"!

You know, I'm not a fan of Ricky Martin (to put it mildly) but that just know that when they recorded that one, they were all like "This is a f*cking HIT, is what this is." Because, c'mon.

December Quinn said...

Okay, and once again I play the Charlie Brown role in the "What's your fortune" game:

The wind brings the scent of your failure.

Here I thought it was crying Mary, but that's good to know when I'm waiting to hear back on two big subs. Yay me.

Serena Joy said...

CD, you dig up that treasure and I'll go get drunk with you. LOL.

Thanks, Lee. Looks like I'm going to live. I'll post later whether that's a good thing or a bad thing.:)

All right, Lesia -- dance war! Yeah.

I'm not a Martin fan, either, DQ, but yeah, it's f*cking hot. Too bad I can't say the same for my own la vida loca.:) Don't worry about the wind; I'm betting it's going to blow good news your way.

Anonymous said...

Serena, the wind blows...

Serena Joy said...

Steve, do you think we need a weatherman to tell which way the wind blows? I'll go ask Bob. He'll know.:)

Liz said...

Last Friday Alun, my work colleague, said to me, 'Oh, it's National Jedi Day.'

'Is it?' says I innocently.

'Yes, May the Fourth be with you.'

I wouldn't mind but he caught me last year too.

Serena Joy said...

Well, dang, Liz, I wish we had a National Jedi Day here in the States. I wouldn't mind trying my luck with The Fourth. I'd probably get captured by a Jedi with a big saber, though. That might not be so bad.:)