Tuesday, May 01, 2007

H2O Blows

Sometimes things happen that give me a headache, a heartache, or just a pain in the ass. It makes you wake up and think, "Not afuckingain." What are you going to do, though?

You reach a plateau in your life when you think, okay, things are pretty settled down now, you've got what you need and life is rolling fairly merrily along. It's going to be smooth sailing from here. Things are maintaining preeeeety darn good. Yeah, that lasts about as long as a firefly in a jar. But what are you going to do? The only thing you can do, of course -- which is to step over it (giving it a good swift kick on the way over if you can manage it) and get your butt back on the path. The day you lose sight of the path because of preoccupation with the obstacles on it is the day you end up falling off a cliff into the wicked witch's oven. I don't think so. Been there, done that, didn't like it much. I need to get my act together.

I know what this is. There's a full moon in less than twenty-four hours, and it's already grabbed me (like 48 hours ago) in a chokehold and started doing horrible things to me. PMS is for sissies. Try dealing with Moon Madness. I'm way more restless than usual, so sensitive and ├╝ber attuned (which means that I am not crossing any signals) that I'd like to slap myself, tightly wound, and just generally unsettled. I'm antsy and obstinate, wary and overwrought, and I don't trust my own dog not to maul me and have me for breakfast. (None of which means I'm stupid enough to strip my life bare and put it on display. Duh.) I'd be much better off to hunker in somewhere all by myself 'til these deadly rays pass. But where? I'd head into the mountains to wait it out but I can't hunt, hate camping, and have no sense of direction. I'd end up both starving to death and finding my way into Deliverance territory. I guess I'll just stay home and terrorize the family and scare the neighbors. Oh, God, I really am fit to be tied and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.

I blame this on water. If my body weren't 98% freakin' water, it wouldn't be subject to these evil Voodoo gravitational tidal pulls from the fat-ass satanic moon. Somebody throw me a tinfoil life jacket.

Scratch the purple prom dress. I think I'm wearing this instead, except I want a longer, more opaque veil.

Today's Freakin' Charm Pointer

Q. My husband discovered my hidden cache of sex toys. How can I explain it to him with grace and dignity?

A. Tell him they're cleverly designed power tools which you bought for the express purpose of building the shelves with which you were going to surprise him. Then, call a contractor and offer to pay him double if he can come tomorrow and build said shelves. (If the contractor is cute, there could be a bonus involved. For both of you.)

ImageChef.com - Create custom images

exsposed - Mi esposa no more.

inevatible - Obsessed with Eva.

someking strange - Some weird royal dude, distant cousin of Sky King.

strugling - Another one of those weird sex things.

an auther - Someone who writes books published by Putrid Publishing.

unitl - Armored division between Unit K and Unit M.

ImageChef.com - Create custom images

Dear AuthorApathy Team:

If I buy 100 copies of my book and I can't sell them, do I then get to return them to you for a full refund? I've been told only those books sold through Ingram are eligible for returnability. I know you can't have given up on such an excellent opportunity for your authors to get their books in bookstores. Please tell me you have changed your ways and will be assisting your authors now instead of harming them.

No Bookstore Will Have My Book
Dear No One Will Have You,

Well, duh. You're not surprised, are you? I certainly don't want you, as contentious as you are. You may buy 100, 200, 500 or more copies of your book. We will certainly take your credit card -- until you max it out. After that, we will delete all your e-mails unread.

If you can't sell what you buy, whose fault is that? Duh. We here at Putrid Publishing have no idea what you're referring to when you utter the words "return" or "refund." You are apparently having a psychotic episode. We hope you feel better soon. The premise you're asking about is completely fictional, dear. It does not exist in the real world. We have not changed our ways at all and will continue to refuse to assist you in the same predictable manner we always have. If you have any questions, we don't want to hear them. What part of "NO" do you not understand?

For this dramatic escapade you've bothered us with, you will perform a penance of washing Betty's feet, kissing Billy-Bob -- on the lips -- and saying 100 Hail Bobby-Bills. Jessimo (the real one, not the imaginary one) is en route to your house right now to administer a Kool-Aid enema and to oversee your penance.

Have a nice day!
AuthorInsult Team
Putrid Publishing(at)hell.com
Dear TWIT,

Are y'all still doing this thing that Evil House used to do? I can't write so I can't participate in the Putrid scam, but I sure would like to sit at home and make some money. If this con is still going, please let me in on it.

Join Us As A Working-At-Home Magical Book Seller Sell The Book, Keep The Change No Risk, Money Back Guarantee, Earn $10 Or More Per Sold Copy - Buy 10 copies or more at a hefty discount - 30-day money back guarantee - 10+ books, returnable - 40 pct discount 10+ books, non-returnable - 45 pct discount 50+ books, returnable - 50 pct discount50+ books, non-returnable - 55 pct discount. Ask for our special bonuses, gifts and freebies. Register today! Call us toll free NOW: 1-555-666EVIL

Book Poor
Dear Book Poor,

Of course we are open to any scam...er, I mean marketing ideas. Just send us your money and we'll get right back to you. Honest.

Putrid Idiot

Your Hair Should Be Blue

Wild, brilliant, and out of control.
You're a risk taker with an eye to the future.


December Quinn said...

The moon effects me the same way. I have a hard time sleeping anyway, but I'm positively insomniac in the week before the full moon. I have tons of wierd energy but can't seem to focus on anything. Blerh!

MXI said...

Massive alcohol intake will negate the moon effects.

Roxan said...

***Your Hair Should Be Purple***

Intense, thoughtful, and unconventional.
You're always philosophizing and inspiring others with your insights.

I like that dress. Black is always a good choice. It does need a longer veil.

Serena Joy said...

It pretty much sucks, doesn't it, December? But you, at least, have a brand new book to show for all your insomnia and weird energy. Congrats again on that.

I'll give it a try, MXI, but I don't know if they have that much in the store.:)

Thank you, Roxan. I think it suits me pretty well. I'm going to go see if Morticia Addams has a veil I can borrow.

syntropy said...

virginia girls'
smilimg face at dusk~
full moon

syntropy said...

too bad I can't type serena

Serena Joy said...

Your typing is just fine, Syntropy. Made me smile. And let me tell you, that's some feat today.

tfg said...

Why would you need to hide your sex toys from your husband? I imagine the day he found those was like Christmas morning.

Serena Joy said...

Bwhahaha! I don't know our theoretical question-asker's reasoning. I know that that would happen at my house the day hell finally froze over. LOL!

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Once again, Roxan and I are like two purple peas in a pod.

The moon thing--I'll bet you're right on that it's due to water!! I never thought about that! I usually assume there's something wonky with my biorhythms, but maybe it's the freakin' MOON! Cool!!

Serena Joy said...

Believe it, Greeny, and blame it on the moon and water. That's what makes us wonky -- at least once a month.:)

ThatGreenyFlower said...

P.S. Am I supposed to be picking out a prom dress? Can I wear the one I wore in '86? How 'bout '87? I don't have a curfew and will be happy to drive.

Sheesh, leave town for a few days and life just passes me by...

Hale McKay said...

I find that standing before the toilet in the mornings tends to keep my water levels under control.

(Picture the look on Peter Seller's face in the film 'The Party' once he found relief.)

Corn Dog said...

Your Hair Should Be Orange
Expressive, deep, and one of a kind.
You pull off "weird" well - hardly anyone notices.

Now that is a PROM dress. EXCELLENT! Now we are getting somewhere. I have mine picked out. I'm going as Queen Corn Dog. I hope I get it posted tonight.

Lee said...

The moon affects everyone, even those who deny it affects them. Ask anyone who works in the hospitality industry ! All the crazies come out to play! ;)

Do you ever reach that "plateau" Serena...or just live in hope that you will one day. I always get a little nervous when things start going smoothly for any length of time. I get a mite suspicious!

Anonymous said...

I like this dress. Even without the back strings.

Serena Joy said...

Yes, Greeny, you need to pick a dress. One of your old ones will be just fine. You can dress it up with a veil, a shoulder holster, bling -- whatever.

Relief is a good thing to find, Mike. Although, they do make astronaut diapers these days.

CD, your dress is mahvelous, dahling! Um, that VW van isn't hot, is it? Not that it matters. Hot-wired wheels on prom night might be fun.

True, Lee. Even science admits the phenomenon these days. The plateau -- nope. Every time I think I see it, it turns out to be a mirage, proof positive that 'Suspicious Minds' should be my theme song.

Thank you, Steve. You ought to dig out your tux and come to the prom, too.

Don't forget, ladies -- we need to get our hair done.

littlebirdblue said...

***Your Hair Should Be Purple***

Intense, thoughtful, and unconventional.
You're always philosophizing and inspiring others with your insights.

Do we have a theme here?
You know my hair is actually blue, right, S-J? You must be my soul-sister.

Serena Joy said...

Soul Sister in Blue, I think we ought to pack up our blue hair and Greeny's henna tattoo and take our show on the road -- in Corn Dog's hot-wired Prom Bus. We'd rock 'em to their core.