You reach a plateau in your life when you think, okay, things are pretty settled down now, you've got what you need and life is rolling fairly merrily along. It's going to be smooth sailing from here. Things are maintaining preeeeety darn good. Yeah, that lasts about as long as a firefly in a jar. But what are you going to do? The only thing you can do, of course -- which is to step over it (giving it a good swift kick on the way over if you can manage it) and get your butt back on the path. The day you lose sight of the path because of preoccupation with the obstacles on it is the day you end up falling off a cliff into the wicked witch's oven. I don't think so. Been there, done that, didn't like it much. I need to get my act together.
I know what this is. There's a full moon in less than twenty-four hours, and it's already grabbed me (like 48 hours ago) in a chokehold and started doing horrible things to me. PMS is for sissies. Try dealing with Moon Madness. I'm way more restless than usual, so sensitive and über attuned (which means that I am not crossing any signals) that I'd like to slap myself, tightly wound, and just generally unsettled. I'm antsy and obstinate, wary and overwrought, and I don't trust my own dog not to maul me and have me for breakfast. (None of which means I'm stupid enough to strip my life bare and put it on display. Duh.) I'd be much better off to hunker in somewhere all by myself 'til these deadly rays pass. But where? I'd head into the mountains to wait it out but I can't hunt, hate camping, and have no sense of direction. I'd end up both starving to death and finding my way into Deliverance territory. I guess I'll just stay home and terrorize the family and scare the neighbors. Oh, God, I really am fit to be tied and there's not a damn thing I can do about it.
I blame this on water. If my body weren't 98% freakin' water, it wouldn't be subject to these evil Voodoo gravitational tidal pulls from the fat-ass satanic moon. Somebody throw me a tinfoil life jacket.
Scratch the purple prom dress. I think I'm wearing this instead, except I want a longer, more opaque veil.
Q. My husband discovered my hidden cache of sex toys. How can I explain it to him with grace and dignity?
A. Tell him they're cleverly designed power tools which you bought for the express purpose of building the shelves with which you were going to surprise him. Then, call a contractor and offer to pay him double if he can come tomorrow and build said shelves. (If the contractor is cute, there could be a bonus involved. For both of you.)
exsposed - Mi esposa no more.
inevatible - Obsessed with Eva.
someking strange - Some weird royal dude, distant cousin of Sky King.
strugling - Another one of those weird sex things.
an auther - Someone who writes books published by Putrid Publishing.
unitl - Armored division between Unit K and Unit M.
Dear AuthorApathy Team:
If I buy 100 copies of my book and I can't sell them, do I then get to return them to you for a full refund? I've been told only those books sold through Ingram are eligible for returnability. I know you can't have given up on such an excellent opportunity for your authors to get their books in bookstores. Please tell me you have changed your ways and will be assisting your authors now instead of harming them.
No Bookstore Will Have My Book
Dear No One Will Have You,
Well, duh. You're not surprised, are you? I certainly don't want you, as contentious as you are. You may buy 100, 200, 500 or more copies of your book. We will certainly take your credit card -- until you max it out. After that, we will delete all your e-mails unread.
If you can't sell what you buy, whose fault is that? Duh. We here at Putrid Publishing have no idea what you're referring to when you utter the words "return" or "refund." You are apparently having a psychotic episode. We hope you feel better soon. The premise you're asking about is completely fictional, dear. It does not exist in the real world. We have not changed our ways at all and will continue to refuse to assist you in the same predictable manner we always have. If you have any questions, we don't want to hear them. What part of "NO" do you not understand?
For this dramatic escapade you've bothered us with, you will perform a penance of washing Betty's feet, kissing Billy-Bob -- on the lips -- and saying 100 Hail Bobby-Bills. Jessimo (the real one, not the imaginary one) is en route to your house right now to administer a Kool-Aid enema and to oversee your penance.
Have a nice day!
Are y'all still doing this thing that Evil House used to do? I can't write so I can't participate in the Putrid scam, but I sure would like to sit at home and make some money. If this con is still going, please let me in on it.
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Dear Book Poor,
Of course we are open to any scam...er, I mean marketing ideas. Just send us your money and we'll get right back to you. Honest.
|Your Hair Should Be Blue|
Wild, brilliant, and out of control.
You're a risk taker with an eye to the future.