Crank It Up

A girl's got to have something to get excited about. Otherwise, it's too hard to get up in the morning. It doesn't have to be a lot. It can be something as simple as an anticipated contact, playing hookey from work, buying something you felt too guilty about to buy before, getting together with friends you haven't seen in a while, dressing up for some event that gets your juices flowing, getting a raise, or a makeover, or indulging in something sinfully scrumptious to eat. A smile on the face of someone you care about is exciting. A song or a new book can be exciting. A pretty dress has the potential for excitement. It doesn't matter, as long as it's something worth getting up for. As long as it's something that keeps you putting one foot in front of the other, it's all good.

Crank it up.

I think I've found my "prom dress." I'm not saying this is THE one, because it's my prerogative to change my mind. Today, this one looks pretty cute to me, though.

What do you think?

There's a prize for the first person who can tell the front from the back when I'm wearing it.

I've seen Leelee's dress, and it's a knockout. And Roxan has opted for white -- with feathers -- unless she changes her mind again.

We have another prom date, Hale McKay, which brings the total to 3.

Today's Charm Pointer

Q. Is there any one thing, a Rosetta Stone as it were, that is the key to domestic tranquility, corporate success, romantic bliss, and world peace?

A. Yes. Eyeliner.


TWISTED LINGUISTICS

quanitities - Extra large bazoombas.

discection - Medical procedure for when you're having a baby too big for a standard C-section.

someeone - The one and only, the Great Somee Leader.

exluded - Someone who no longer takes Qualudes.

comon problem - Trouble between two Rastafarians; i.e., one mon doesn't like how co-mon does things.


Dear Miss Don't Care TWIT,

I KNOW you don't care. You ain't telling me nothing new. I ain't no idiot you know. I do think Mr. Riviera will like me just fine so there. If you dont want to go its your lost. I knew you was a PutridAsshat too. I ain't no idiot, you know. We will just see about that extra 3 years missy. I am going strait to my attorney once I get sprung from teh home and my attorney is bigger and smarter than your puny real estate lawyer. He don't repersent no terrorists neither. I WILL be free from you. I have my ways. Bwhahahahahaha!

Truly Never Yours,
Future Starlet
____________________
Dear Runaway:

We have ways of forcing you back in the fold. As long as you haven't joined a certain group that's not in Kansas any more, we should have no problems bringing you back into the fold. We've got a gallon of Kool-Aid waiting for you. What makes you think Wee Billie doesn't already go wee-wee-wee all the way home?

Sincerely,
Cult Member Handler
____________________
Dear Nasty Handler,

And don't think I don't know what nasty thing you been handling. Yes mam I did join up with that cult up there over there not no more in Kansas, the one what's going to kick your skanky butt to kingdom come. Ain't drinking no more Kool-Ade! I'm a strawberry wine girl now. Liquid currege to deal with nasty peaces of work like you. Thank you but I don't want to think none about Wee Billie going wee-wee. Ewwww. I feel a pukathon coming on after all that wine I done drank today. They make us eat strawberry shortcake with it too which is just a trifle two sweat but it is ok because it means I am away from you turrible people and your electric Kool-Ade. Hasta la vista!

Not very truly yours,
Running Farther
_____________________
Dear Putrid Authors,

A Timely Message From InfoSnot

Greetings, authors! It's that time again -- basher fever in the outside world. Cripes, when will they ever learn? They can't best us at our own game. When it comes to snarky wording and head games, we're the champions. This is our way of thanking you for supporting us, your beneficent and magnanimous publisher, and for turning a blind eye to all the basher sites and boards in the outside world.

Authors, you whined incessantly for years for a returns policy. We, in turn, worked for years trying to give it to you and we finally succeeded in late September of this year. People, we gave it a shot, for your sake. Unfortunately, it is now our duty to report to you that it failed. Abysmally. Bookstores across the fruity plains do not care about returnability. We offered them an extraordinary 5% discount on purchases, but they balked at the restocking fee we were forced to impose to keep our costs in line with the world economy. They have indicated that they do not want a returns policy attached to our books. Therefore, we are calling off this ludicrous experiment and calling it a draw. It's back to business as usual!

To celebrate the end of this nonsense, we are offering you, our cherished authors, our bread and butter, a one-time only chance to buy a resonatingly goodly supply of your books. Don't get caught by potential customers with no stock on hand! What an ungodly dramatic escapade that would be. We would hate terribly to see any of our authors embarrassed in such a manner. In order to permit you to restock after this debacle of an experiment which slowed us all down, here's what we're offering:

-100-200 copies - 2% discount
- 201-300 copies - 3% discount
- 301-499 copies - 4% discount
- 500 or more copies - 5% discount

No orders for less than 100 copies. If you can't afford 100 or more, we feel sorry for you. And in which case you should place your paltry order through Amazon or B&N, or through our bookstore if we get it working again. At these generous prices, we cannot offer you royalties on your purchases. We are certain you understand. The usual $3.00 per copy shipping/handling charge has been increased to $4.50 for this special event. We already know we can count on you to see this as not a deterrent but as a testament to the extremely high quality of our books.

As a special bonus, we'll send you a case of Kool-Aid, assorted flavors, with each order, as well as a tambourine and an order form which will enable you to buy Mr. Bill's "Sampson" bible at half price. Call in your order today! Phone orders only, please. Please have your credit card in hand when you place your call in order to avoid unnecessary delays. We hope you are as excited as we are about this magnificent, one-time-only offer, an offer indicating the new phase we are entering in our revolutionizing of the publishing industry.

Oh, and one more piece of exciting news: we've signed an additional 2,600 new authors to our Putrid Publishing family in the past week, for a total of 33,000 Putrid authors. We ARE the biggest publisher in America! Thank you for all you do for us. We love you!

Love and kisses,
AuthorApathy Team

You Are a Club Sandwich

You are have a big personality. It's hard for anyone to ignore you! You dream big. You think big. And you eat big. Some people consider you high maintenance, but you just know what you want... and when you want it. Your best friend: The Tuna Fish Sandwich Your mortal enemy: The Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

What Kind of Sandwich Are You?