Monday, April 30, 2007

Crank It Up


A girl's got to have something to get excited about. Otherwise, it's too hard to get up in the morning. It doesn't have to be a lot. It can be something as simple as an anticipated contact, playing hookey from work, buying something you felt too guilty about to buy before, getting together with friends you haven't seen in a while, dressing up for some event that gets your juices flowing, getting a raise, or a makeover, or indulging in something sinfully scrumptious to eat. A smile on the face of someone you care about is exciting. A song or a new book can be exciting. A pretty dress has the potential for excitement. It doesn't matter, as long as it's something worth getting up for. As long as it's something that keeps you putting one foot in front of the other, it's all good.

Crank it up.

I think I've found my "prom dress." I'm not saying this is THE one, because it's my prerogative to change my mind. Today, this one looks pretty cute to me, though.

What do you think?


There's a prize for the first person who can tell the front from the back when I'm wearing it.

I've seen Leelee's dress, and it's a knockout. And Roxan has opted for white -- with feathers -- unless she changes her mind again.

We have another prom date, Hale McKay, which brings the total to 3.

Today's Charm Pointer

Q. Is there any one thing, a Rosetta Stone as it were, that is the key to domestic tranquility, corporate success, romantic bliss, and world peace?

A. Yes. Eyeliner.

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TWISTED LINGUISTICS

quanitities - Extra large bazoombas.

discection - Medical procedure for when you're having a baby too big for a standard C-section.

someeone - The one and only, the Great Somee Leader.

exluded - Someone who no longer takes Qualudes.

comon problem - Trouble between two Rastafarians; i.e., one mon doesn't like how co-mon does things.

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Dear Miss Don't Care TWIT,

I KNOW you don't care. You ain't telling me nothing new. I ain't no idiot you know. I do think Mr. Riviera will like me just fine so there. If you dont want to go its your lost. I knew you was a PutridAsshat too. I ain't no idiot, you know. We will just see about that extra 3 years missy. I am going strait to my attorney once I get sprung from teh home and my attorney is bigger and smarter than your puny real estate lawyer. He don't repersent no terrorists neither. I WILL be free from you. I have my ways. Bwhahahahahaha!

Truly Never Yours,
Future Starlet
____________________
Dear Runaway:

We have ways of forcing you back in the fold. As long as you haven't joined a certain group that's not in Kansas any more, we should have no problems bringing you back into the fold. We've got a gallon of Kool-Aid waiting for you. What makes you think Wee Billie doesn't already go wee-wee-wee all the way home?

Sincerely,
Cult Member Handler
____________________
Dear Nasty Handler,

And don't think I don't know what nasty thing you been handling. Yes mam I did join up with that cult up there over there not no more in Kansas, the one what's going to kick your skanky butt to kingdom come. Ain't drinking no more Kool-Ade! I'm a strawberry wine girl now. Liquid currege to deal with nasty peaces of work like you. Thank you but I don't want to think none about Wee Billie going wee-wee. Ewwww. I feel a pukathon coming on after all that wine I done drank today. They make us eat strawberry shortcake with it too which is just a trifle two sweat but it is ok because it means I am away from you turrible people and your electric Kool-Ade. Hasta la vista!

Not very truly yours,
Running Farther
_____________________
Dear Putrid Authors,

A Timely Message From InfoSnot

Greetings, authors! It's that time again -- basher fever in the outside world. Cripes, when will they ever learn? They can't best us at our own game. When it comes to snarky wording and head games, we're the champions. This is our way of thanking you for supporting us, your beneficent and magnanimous publisher, and for turning a blind eye to all the basher sites and boards in the outside world.

Authors, you whined incessantly for years for a returns policy. We, in turn, worked for years trying to give it to you and we finally succeeded in late September of this year. People, we gave it a shot, for your sake. Unfortunately, it is now our duty to report to you that it failed. Abysmally. Bookstores across the fruity plains do not care about returnability. We offered them an extraordinary 5% discount on purchases, but they balked at the restocking fee we were forced to impose to keep our costs in line with the world economy. They have indicated that they do not want a returns policy attached to our books. Therefore, we are calling off this ludicrous experiment and calling it a draw. It's back to business as usual!

To celebrate the end of this nonsense, we are offering you, our cherished authors, our bread and butter, a one-time only chance to buy a resonatingly goodly supply of your books. Don't get caught by potential customers with no stock on hand! What an ungodly dramatic escapade that would be. We would hate terribly to see any of our authors embarrassed in such a manner. In order to permit you to restock after this debacle of an experiment which slowed us all down, here's what we're offering:

-100-200 copies - 2% discount
- 201-300 copies - 3% discount
- 301-499 copies - 4% discount
- 500 or more copies - 5% discount

No orders for less than 100 copies. If you can't afford 100 or more, we feel sorry for you. And in which case you should place your paltry order through Amazon or B&N, or through our bookstore if we get it working again. At these generous prices, we cannot offer you royalties on your purchases. We are certain you understand. The usual $3.00 per copy shipping/handling charge has been increased to $4.50 for this special event. We already know we can count on you to see this as not a deterrent but as a testament to the extremely high quality of our books.

As a special bonus, we'll send you a case of Kool-Aid, assorted flavors, with each order, as well as a tambourine and an order form which will enable you to buy Mr. Bill's "Sampson" bible at half price. Call in your order today! Phone orders only, please. Please have your credit card in hand when you place your call in order to avoid unnecessary delays. We hope you are as excited as we are about this magnificent, one-time-only offer, an offer indicating the new phase we are entering in our revolutionizing of the publishing industry.

Oh, and one more piece of exciting news: we've signed an additional 2,600 new authors to our Putrid Publishing family in the past week, for a total of 33,000 Putrid authors. We ARE the biggest publisher in America! Thank you for all you do for us. We love you!

Love and kisses,
AuthorApathy Team




You Are a Club Sandwich

You are have a big personality. It's hard for anyone to ignore you!
You dream big. You think big. And you eat big.
Some people consider you high maintenance, but you just know what you want... and when you want it.

Your best friend: The Tuna Fish Sandwich

Your mortal enemy: The Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich

25 comments:

Steve G said...

Nice dress, but I think the model has it on backwards. The strings in the front would definitely look cooler. Just a guys opinion.

Roxan said...

***You Are a Tuna Fish Sandwich***


Some people just don't have a taste for you. You are highly unusual.
And admit it, you've developed some pretty weird habits over the years.
You may seem a bit unsavory from a distance, but anyone who gives you a chance is hooked!

Your best friend: The Club Sandwich

Your mortal enemy: The Turkey Sandwich

Yeah, I might change my mind. Who knows? I may show up in scrubs decorated with autopsy images. You never know.

Serena Joy said...

Roxan, you can come in scrubs if you want but, please, not the autopsy ones. I mean, I might want to EAT something at the prom and you KNOW how squeamish I am.

LOL, Steve. Why am I not surprised that a guy would think the dress ought to be worn backwards?:)

leelee said...

i LOVE THE DRESS.. the color is gorgeous and I like the tie up dealio in the back....pretty...

this is the first time I took one of your quiz things and I am not happy with the results. Well the results are fine..probably right...what I don't like is which sandwich personality is my MORTAL ENEMY..I don't buy that for one solitary second..no way.. no how..I love a club sandwich..i DO

**You Are a Peanut Butter and Jelly Sandwich**
You life your life in a free form, artistic style.
You are incredibly creative and at times, quite messy.
Deep down, you are a kid at heart. And you aren't afraid to express it.

Your best friend: The Grilled Cheese Sandwich

Your mortal enemy: The Club Sandwich

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Roxan said...

I was planning on flicking innards at people. Don't spoil my fun.

Roxan said...

I found scrubs that say "bitch" all over them. I'm so excited. LOL

Serena Joy said...

I'll trade you for the PB&J, Leelee. And I LOVE grilled cheese. Ultimate comfort food.

No, Roxan. No flicking, no innards. Not at the prom. I'll be wanting a set of those Bitch scrubs myself, but NOT for the prom. LOL.

Roxan said...

Who died and made you Prom director? Warning:That may NOT be steak tartar. LOL

http://www.scrubs.com/conversationals.aspx

They even have pink pirates. LMAO

Serena Joy said...

Who died and made you Prom director?

It's one of those de facto things since I sold the prom queen to Barbossa. Savvy?

I LIKE the idea of pink pirate scrubs. Maybe I'll wear that to the prom. If I even go to the prom. My boyfriend ran off and joined the Hell's Angels so what the hell is the point?:)

Roxan said...

We didn't have a prom. It wasn't allowed. We had a banquet instead. I asked a guy I liked. He said no, he had a girl friend. I was crushed until I saw the girl friend. She was U-G-L-Y.
You go, you have fun. Period.

Serena Joy said...

She was U-G-L-Y.

Some men have no fucking taste. LOL. I got a lot of money for the prom queen. I'm thinking of taking a cruise with Corn Dog's suicidal Norwegians instead.

Seeley deBorn said...

I'm a Tuna Sandwich

Some people just don't have a taste for you. You are highly unusual.
And admit it, you've developed some pretty weird habits over the years.
You may seem a bit unsavory from a distance, but anyone who gives you a chance is hooked!

Your best friend: The Club Sandwich

Your mortal enemy: The Turkey Sandwich

Weird habits? Me? Never!
BFF SJ!

Lee said...

I've never considered myself as a sandwich...let alone a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I like peanut butter but not with jelly. I like jelly but not with peanut butter.

I like the dress but not sure about the colour...it doesn't blend with my peanut butter and jelly sandwich!

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Seeley. Only a spam sandwich on stale bread soggy with bad mayonaise would consider you unsavory. BFF.

I've decided I don't like the color, either, Lee. It looks so damned wholesome it's making me hurl. Maybe I'll throw a PB&J at it and see if it sticks.:)

se7en said...

I liked the dress too, but I have to agree, it might look better if it were on backasswards.

Here's one, quantumtities - scientifically enhanced...

tfg said...

I'm not exactly known for my fashion sense, but I'd wager that the dress would look great crumpled on the bedroom floor, too.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Se7en. That's a great definition. I'll bet pole dancers sit around after hours discussing quantum theory.:) I've decided I ain't wearing that dress ackwards or bassackwards.

I don't know, TFG. I think crumpled is too good for it. We could try it and see what it looks like crumpled, but I think I'd rather hang it in a clearing and use it for target practice.

NYD said...

Looks like I will have to find a prom date. I wonder if I still have my tuxedo t-shirt.

The dresses look fabulous. Since this is virtual, I might just have to go ovr to Armani and see what kind of formal wear they have.

Serena Joy said...

So, NYD, can we put you on the list for prom date? We have 5 ladies -- and only 3 dates. We only need 2 more to have a date for each lady -- and then we'll get to fight over whose date is whose. LOL.

Hale McKay said...

You know you are having a bad day when you leave the house with your bra on backwards - and no one even notices. I guess the same could be said for the prom gown.

Serena Joy said...

Yeah, that happens to me all the time. Kinda sucks. I just hold my head up and call it a fashion statement.

puerileuwaite said...

The Pug responds to Today's Charm Pointer:

Q. Is there any one thing, a Rosetta Stone as it were, that is the key to domestic tranquility, corporate success, romantic bliss, and world peace?

A. Sure. The Blarney Stone.

Corn Dog said...

You Are a Tuna Fish Sandwich

GORGEOUS prom dress. I'm going to have to look for something. Noir I think.

Corn Dog said...

Oh and SJ, that YouTube video of my cruise got picked up by a web site called www.cruisebruise.com and they are playing the poop out of it. Mr. Corn Dog got on some site and found out the Norweigans are retiring the vessel we were on.

"Norwegian Wind, the next ship to revolve out of Norwegian Cruise Line's fleet as it prepares to welcome newer, more contemporary models, will depart in April 2007."

Serena Joy said...

Yes, Pug, Blarney would work equally well.

CD, that's hysterical about your cruise video. Yep, you might know the Norwegians would retire and seek mental help as soon as I psych myself up to set foot on their bucket of bolts.