Serena's School of Charm

Scary Monster's announcement that he's gone off to Charm School prompts me to pontificate on the nature of charm schools in general. After a second's reflection, I have determined that we have suffered through a Great Decline and we need a better breed of charm school. And I'm not saying that just because I flunked out of charm school. No, in light of ever changing customs and mores which dictate ... new customs and mores, we really do need to devise a whole new system of etiquette.

Many of the problematic etiquette dilemmas one might encounter in everyday life are covered in my new academy's curriculum. Welcome to Serena's House of Pain Charm, the trifecta (and last bastian) of charm, grace, and self-defense.

In my classes, you'll learn the answers to these burning (there's medication for that) questions and more.

What do you do when someone bumps you with a buggy in a store aisle?
You kick them in the shins.

What is the proper way to eat fried chicken?
Rip it with your teeth (and fangs if you have them), fingers (and claws if you have them), and your toes, too, if necessary. And if you have a sword, use it.

What, if anything, should a young lady say when she encounters a gentleman with an open fly?
"Howdy!"

If you're in a pissy mood and someone you don't care for says good morning to you, what is the correct response?
Slap them senseless.

Is there any way to graciously handle being lied to, cheated on, stolen from, or plagiarized?
Of course, there is! Hire a hitman. (See the Teaching Assistant for the directory)

What is the proper reply to someone who tells you you look/seem a bit off today?
Break two of their smaller bones (that may stave off felony charges) with a good sized but tastefully polished stick.

What do you do when your partner has no rhythm and cannot dance?
Using your stiletto heels, step on his toes in a hard, circular, grinding rhythm.

What recourse do you have when you're being picked on by other young ladies, like the "in" clique and the cheerleading squad?
Start rumors about them. You know the drill -- they're easy, they have STDs, they buy their clothes at Big Lots, they had tummy tucks that didn't take, the prom queen's a transvestite, Muffy's brother is her daddy, the head cheerleader has 4 kids, they all belong to a blood-sucking cult, and so on and so forth. Rumors often take on a life of their own so this technique works spectacularly well.

When someone gently reminds you that you've perhaps had too much to drink, what is the appropriate course of conduct?
Dump your drink on his/her head and get a fresh one.

How does a woman gracefully deal with adultery?
White lace and silk scarves would be a good start.

In these modern times, is marriage really necessary?
Only if you'd rather make war than love.

What is the correct and well-bred response if you come down with an STD?
Hallmark has cards for that now.

How should you react if someone makes you cry?
Hit them.

How should you react if you make someone cry?
Scream. And hit them.

When you're riding in an automobile with someone whose driving is frightening you, what is the most effective way to extricate yourself from the situation?
Shoot them.

How often should one resort to taking drugs to keep one's attitude adjusted?
Only Sunday through Saturday. Any more and you face the dismal prospect of rehab with movie stars.

Is there any real reason to wear underwear every time you leave the house?
Yes, you moron! You could get into an accident, and there could be paparazzi.

You know it's impolite to say "Up yours," so what is the gracious way of expressing that sentiment?
Up yours, dear.

What should the well brought up young woman do when a 98-pound weakling simply won't leave her alone?
Don't even bother wasting time on a restraining order. If you weigh more than 98 pounds, sit on him. If not, then aim for his g-spot and execute a high, well-placed kick that will leave him squealing soprano. And remember, young ladies should always be properly attired for such functions. That means -- combat boots.

What is the correct attire for a public pillorying function?
A little pink sarong-style dress and combat boots. This is to today's brave young females what the little black dress was to your mothers.

And is it important to also be properly coiffed for these events?
Do you want an F in this course? You'd better make sure your hair looks good. You will never go wrong wearing dreadlocks with dangling rat skulls.

When you're on a dinner date and having homicidal thoughts about your date, what should you do?
Tell the waiter your date is hyperventilating and ask for a paper bag. Place the bag over your bad date's head and, using delicate, genteel motions, gently suffocate him. Politely summon the waiter again and ask him to call an ambulance. During the commotion with the gurneys, equipment, radio chatter, etc., make a graceful exit. If you gave that date your phone number, change it.

If your date starts getting fresh with you in public, what is the most discreet way to handle it?
There are a couple of ways. You may (1) bite or pinch him in a place where the bruise won't show; (2) stick your keys in his ear; (3) whisper something that will cause him to wet his pants and have to flee the scene; or (4) Taser him. (No shooting in public, because even small caliber weapons make a noticeable noise.)

Well-bred young ladies never use 4-letter words, do they?
Of course, they do, you silly tw*t. You simply remove the vowels; i.e., "F*ck y**, y** s*rry p**c* *f sh*t!" Disemvowel it and you have leave to say anything you wish.

Is it ever permissible to fake an orgasm?
If you're in a position where you feel like you have to, then you need to change positions.