Monday, April 23, 2007

Wired Weird

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It was a weird weekend. All in all, I'd rather have been in Philadelphia. (I've never been to Philadelphia, but I'm sure it's fine. Really.) What it was, the weather was weird, the news was weird, the relatives were weird, and it was like the very air was full of weird vibes all weekend long. I didn't much like where my head was a lot of the time. Time to think is good, but too much thinking, too much time on hands make SJ dull girl -- or get her in trouble. (Not that I mind an occasional spot of trouble, as long as it's fun.) I'm actually kind of glad the weekend's over and I'm back at work, though. Not that this place isn't weird a lot of the time, but it's a different kind of weird. And rest assured, there is weirdness to be found here today. I haven't told anybody to bite me, though. Yet. Not that I would. Noooooo. Not moi.

I think that the phrase "bite me" is an appropriate rejoinder to end most unfortunate (and highly charged) confrontations. Don't you? Well, except in instances where there's a distinct possibility that the person you have cornered would really adore biting you. And you certainly wouldn't want to say that to a vampire, so you do have to use a little common sense.

What other two short little words pack such a wallop and convey such a rich depth of emotion -- or evoke such ridiculously humorous imagery? Alas, I haven't used "bite me" much since it became the battle cry of one of the biggest biwitches in this hemisphere. Now I'm thinking of taking it back. If she doesn't like it, she can bite me.

What happens if someone not too smart, someone who takes everything literally, takes you up on your invitation and bites you? Should you sue? If you do, is it ever appropriate to answer adverse counsel's questions on cross-examination with "Bite me"?

I haven't seen any real rules covering points like these. Then again, they're not so much rules as they are guidelines. We know that judges enforce rules, but what about guidelines?


In today's Weird News, we learn that the Chinese government has imposed a strict new set of regulations on Beijing cab drivers for the 2008 Olympic games. They can't, among other things, smoke, spit, overcharge, wear big earrings, or ... have red hair. I'm a little bit insulted that I won't be allowed to drive a cab in Beijing next year. Why the discrimination against redheads?! We're people, too.

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povided - When you gave stuff to da po.

rainment - A tearful lament during a thunderstorm.

deaefening - The sound of some peoples' writing.

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Dear Dot Girl,

Whoa! Such hostility from a lowly plebe such as you! We here at Putrid Publications cannot have that. Surely, you must know by now that while we may address you in any terms we please, you must remain respectful and obsequious at all times.

You are hereby ordered to catch the first Greyhound from your town to ours. You will be picked up at the station by one of our editors and brought directly to our offices. You need not bring anything with you, as you'll be shackled and/or straitjacketed for the duration of your mandatory 2-week stay. You will spend the first week in intensive psychotherapy with Uncle Bobby-Bill. The second week, you belong to Billy-Bob. Don't ask. Trust me, by the time your program is over, you'll be begging to drink Kool-Aid and stare at dots. Feel better now?

Sincerely,
Bitsy,
Head of Reeducation Services,
Putrid & Purely Awful Printing
______________________
Dear Twit,

Why did I ever send my ms to Putrid Publishing? Why did I ever think I was qualified to write a ms? I feel like I am in the middle of a swift moving stream and I can't go back and I can't go forward. I am stuck and the water is swriling by me on both sides. I don't even want to write any more. I want to forget I ever thought I maybe could write. I totally thoroughly suck at writing. I hate the pure thought of trying to write.

Thank you Putrid Publishing for opening these blind eyes and reconfirming how totally undeserving of any nice thing I am.

Signed,
Dumbass
_____________________
Dear Ms. DA,

You know, we get so tired of you people moaning and groaning all the time. Do you not realize that we have given your book the chance it deserved, at the cost of not one red cent to you, and made it available from sea to freaking sea and all over the damn fruited plains?

In all honesty, we could not care less about the quality of your or any other author's writing. You can submit anything you wish to us and we will print it up for you -- as long as you hold up your end of the bargain and buy it. So, please, stop e-mailing us and get busy writing another book for us. Try to get it in in time to take advantage of our next sales pitch to you authors.

Naturally, we will accept your thanks any time you wish to send them. We won't delete those e-mails. Any e-mails not containing thanks and general kow-towing are, of course, deleted unread. I trust I have made myself crystal clear and that my sentiments are resonating with you. In other words, we want your book, and we wanted it yesterday. If you need more Kool-Aid, you have only to ask and we will be more than happy to oblige.

When may we expect your next manuscript? We may wish to send out a free press release about it. Then again, we might not. Don't you love guessing games?

Sincerely,
Bambi@Smug AzzHat Support
_____________________
Dear TWIT,

You people are irking me to death! My book was released with a plain brown cover. It looks like a paper bag. You didn't even print the title on the front, just on the spline. Hey, it's a childrens's book, not porn! WHEN are you going to fix this problem? This is about the forty-eleventh time I've asked. I already reported you to the BBB but you just changed your corporate status from LLP to DMWT and paid more dues and they called it 'resolved.' If you don't do something about this, and I mean right now, I'm sending a FEMA representative to see you. I mean it.

Sincerely,
Brown Bagging It
______________________
Dear BBI,

We have addressed the prolem and see no needs in fixing anything on your book. You and your mommy and daddy are the only ones that will ever see it anyway, so what's your beef? As for sending FEMA, send 'em on! That's just the type of idiots we are looking for.

Candy Lips @smartass.com


You Are 32% Phobic

Scared? You? Not really. Everyone has a few normal phobias, and you're no exception.
It's okay to be afraid of a few things. You wouldn't be human if you weren't.

17 comments:

JL4 said...

I worked a job soon after retirement from the Army. They had a list of things one was not allowed to say at work.

#5 Bite me.

So what did we do? We all walked around and said, "Yo! Number 5, got it?"

Yes, we got into trouble for that as well.

Roxan said...

I lied on this quiz. It was more interesting that way. LOL

***You Are 100% Phobic***


You're scared of pretty much everything. You possibly even have a phobia about phobias.
Maybe it's time to seek professional help for your anxiety. (Even if you have a phobia about shrinks!)

Serena Joy said...

LOL, J. Maybe next time I'll just yell out "#5!" and let them try to figure it out.

Dang, Roxan, what kind of lies did you tell to get 100%?:)

Roxan said...

I said I was afraid of everything on their list. I would have also said I was afraid of whipped cream, breathing and cotton candy, but none of those were on the list.
LOL

Serena Joy said...

I am not afraid of whipped cream.:)

cathy said...

"bite me"
I can't say that I've ever used or even come across this expression before though I have said " rhere's no need to bite my head off" which is quite common in England.
24% Phobic, good job I didn't take this test when I was 10 years old.

tfg said...

Wow, I must be the diametric opposite of Roxan because whipped cream, cotton candy and getting bitten sound like a evening of fun.

Serena Joy said...

So there's no "bite me" in Greece, Cathy? Interesting. I think 24% phobic is probably pretty normal. Hey, if I haven't already said so, love your new photo.

Wow, T. Add those accessories to the Betty Boop sheets (and it is important to accessorize correctly) and I think you are in for an, um, unusual evening.:)

ThatGreenyFlower said...

I am terrified of breathing. Haven't done it in years.

Serena Joy said...

Greeny, I got over the breathing phobia when I realized how bad my skin looked blue. LOL.

puerileuwaite said...

I felt the same way. But then it dawned on me that I really wasn't saving all that much by getting my mushrooms out of the local cow pasture. Not when you factor in the time involved, and the realization that everyone is plotting against you.

Oh, and my humbly suggested alternative is "Lick Me". Especially in said cow pasture.

Corn Dog said...

60% phobic.
They didn't mention being afraid all your teeth are going to fall out or being afraid of getting hit in a crosswalk or being afraid of stepping on barbed wire. I could go on and on here.

Serena Joy said...

Last time I said that, Pug, I got myself into a little bit of trouble. I blame it on the mushrooms.

CD, I've had the breaking, tumbling teeth dream. It means something, but I can't remember what. I've stepped on barbed wire. It ain't so bad as long as you've had your shots.

December Quinn said...

I'd say "bite me" to a vampire!

And who's the bite me bitch?

Serena Joy said...

You are the exception to the vampire rule, December. And, um, the BMB must remain She Who Must Not Be Named. There's actually a run on them lately; none of them must be named. They send out process servers.:)

Scary Monster said...

Me not too certain about that phrase. As a male monster me not wantin any one to Bite. Nibble maybe. lick, yeah! And pet, oh yes.
But no biting, please.

Serena Joy said...

That surprises me, Scary. I'd have thought biting would be right up there on a monster's list of fun things to do.