Tuesday, April 24, 2007

Snakes + Estrogen = Hisses & Misses

What fresh hell is this?
~Dorothy Parker

I'm not quoting Ms. Parker on behalf of myself today. Nope, things are pretty darned good in my little world. Very good, indeed. I just like the quote; always have. I utter it a lot, in fact, in various and sundry situations. But not today. Although ... it is still early and I'm dealing with a difficult and impatient client. Between her and me and all the barely cooperative (clearly hormonal) people with whom I've had to coordinate her newest motions, it was like Estrogen City here for a little while. It's a good thing none of us had swords. Things are calm again now, knock on wood.

I do realize that the second I admit to having an excellent day (and no homicidal thoughts), the gods could throw a sucker punch my way for their amusement.

So, there was this guy in Lynchburg doing some yard work the other day when he got spooked by a snake. I don't even know what kind of snake it was. It was just ... a snake. Chances are it was a harmless garden snake or black snake; i.e., it probably wasn't a cobra. Anyhow -- Boo! It scared him. I wouldn't be at all surprised to hear that he squealed like a little girl. At any rate, he got his knickers in a bunch and ran and grabbed the gas can from the garage.

Not satisfied with nearly drowning the hapless reptile in gasoline, this Mensa candidate lit a match. Snake must have said "Boo!" again, because the whiz kid freaked again and dropped the match. The poor snake, of course, pretty well immediately fried. But the story doesn't end there. Ohhhhh, no. This is super evolved intelligence we're talking about here.

Smoldering Mr. Snake ignited the porch, which burned to the ground and set the rest of the house on fire. Our hero proceeded to grab the garden hose and douse the flames. He "thought" he'd gotten the job done, but nooooot quite. He kind of missed the hot embers down inside the walls. By the time the fire department arrived on the scene to do the job properly, half the house had burned down. How many of you think dude would have been much better off to have simply altered his course a little, given Mr. Snake his space, and gone on along with his own business? And how many of you blame me for laughing my ass off at this little gem of at least quasi poetic justice?

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Dear Candyass,

You want a prolem? I'll give you a prolem! What's worse than a FEMA worker showing up on your doorstep? TWO FEMA workers! I'm calling right now.

And I'll have you know my maiden aunt and my awkward cousin twice removed saw my book, too. Ha! Put that in your crack pipe and smoke it.

Smokin' Pissed
Dear Ss or whatever,

Candyass? Ohh, thanks for the new name! I'll bet Uncle Billie is really going to like that one!

FEMA workers are so lame, we have no fear of them and in fact, welcome the chance to resonate with them. Could you please hasten them along to us?

I'm tired of your whining now and it's time for Billie's knob to be polished.


Dear CA,

Then I take it back! I'd rather cut off my 2 typing fingers than do anything that pleases your nasty ol' Uncle Billie.

If you don't fear FEMA, then it's only because you're too stupid to come in out of the rain. You wait 'til they swarm all over your townhouse and tell you it's totaled and you have to move out, to a government issue trailer, in the hot sun, with no water, and no grocery voucher. Ha-ha-ha! We'll see who gets the last laugh.

I'll decide when I'm done whining, thank you very much. Lord, Lord, I cannot believe you are admitting in public that doing wicked things with your dirty old uncle is part of your job description. I'm calling the EEOC and Erin Brockovich on you both.

Now, then -- what are you going to do about my book cover?

Undeserving of Brown Paper Wrappers
Dear Undeserving,

Boy, did you get that one right! LOLOL!

I was speaking of dear Uncle Willie's bald head. It has to be polished every day to give it just the right sheen. What did YOU think I was talking about?

Book cover smuck cover. You aren't getting a new one. Read your contract, dummy. Your book got the cover and the chance it deserved, just like they all do.

Dear Sucker,

And don't get all offended and send me tone -- suckers are candy.

Listen, if I were you, I'd still be looking for another job because, honey, a knob is a knob is a knob. A knob by any other name... Well, you get my drift. You shouldn't ought to have to be putting your hands anywhere on Uncle Billie's person as part of your job. Comprende?

Yo, who you calling dummy? I read my contract. Twenty-seven other people read my contract. Nobody could make heads nor tails out of the gobbledygook you call a contract. So don't tell me to go read my contract. Just fix the damn cover. I know one thing my contract does state in black and white and English: that my book will have an attractive cover! You tell me what's attractive about plain brown paper! You don't fix it, I'm going to take the next chance I can get to give you the ass-kicking you deserve. Your hurt will resonate from sea to shining sea and your humiliation at getting whupped by a girl will fit you like a glove. Tone that cover up NOW, you TWIT!

Wunderkind in Combat Boots

You Should Get An Asian Inspired Tattoo

Mysterious and expressive
You like to show off, but you also like to keep some allure


Roxan said...

***You Should Get an Abstract Tattoo***

Artistic and unique
You're the most likely type to personally design your tattoo

Of course I am! How observant of them.

I'm a pill popping Estrogen maniac. LOL

MXI said...

Snake story, a perfectly reasonable over reaction. But, mission accomplished, snake gone!

Anonymous said...

Snakes do that to some folks. I don't mind snakes as long as they don't rattle their tails at me. Funny and sad story at the same time.

tfg said...

When I was younger, I was mowing the grass when a copperhead appeared in my path. I shocked me so much, that I pushed the mower over him. Bad, bad, move.

Serena Joy said...

I'm a pill popping Estrogen maniac.

Lot of that going around, Roxan. LOL.

Snake gone, MXI, but I'll bet that guy has learned a lesson about over-reacting. Then again, maybe not.

I don't like snakes, Steve, but I thought it was sad, too. I wouldn't do that even to a snake.

Copperheads are scary snakes, T. Mower accidents are some bad, bloody stuff, but at least it WAS an accident so the snake gods probably don't have it in for you.:)

Lee said...

Hahahaha...talk about the "domino principle"!

Barbecued snake, anyone?

Serena Joy said...

Lee, I might change my mind about feeling sorry for the snake if it had been one of those horrible carpet snakes you talk about sometimes.

se7en said...

LOL on the snake dude, serves him right. I saw a snake on my driveway yesterday and I coaxed him to go back out into the yard where he couldn't get injured and let him go on his way.

I've got sneaking suspicion that half of those asian tattoos don't say what the owner thinks it does LOL Something along the lines of "I'm a moron" or worse...

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Se7en. My tattoo would probably say "Bite Me." In which case I'm getting it tattooed on my forehead.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

Roxan and I could go get our "abstract tattoos" done together. 'Cause apparently there are two unique people in the world.

The snake story sounds like it's straight out of "Idiocracy." What kind of moron goes to get gasoline and a match to set a living thing on fire? Hello? Hello? I wish his whole house had burned down.

(That being said, I would chop up a copperhead with a hoe if it's all I had and he was in my back yard. I don't fancy dead children back there with him and his family...)

Serena Joy said...

Ewww, I know, Greeny. It's just horrible to even think about burning any living thing alive. Here's where I have to admit I was disappointed that his whole damn house didn't burn down.

Scary Monster said...

if the guy had burned himself up he would have qualified for a darwin award. But he survived, so me figgers he be just plain 'ol stupid.

se7en~ you're suspicions are well founded. Many KANJI tattoos are utter nonsense.

Serena Joy said...

He could still make the finals for this year's Darwin Awards.:)

Roxan said...

Why isn't the ASPCA all over this one? Cruelty to animals. Yes, you can get in trouble for harming wildlife-even snakes.
When I lived out in the country, it wasn't unusual to come home to find at least one copperhead sunning itself on the front porch.
I never felt the need to burn down the house to get rid of it.

Serena Joy said...

Roxan, now that it's made the news, I expect the ASPCA will have something to say about it.

Hale McKay said...

I'll bet the "snake man" lost all of hisss credibility around hiss neighborhood.

That was a riot.