Saturday, April 14, 2007

Out With the Old?

So, researchers (with the government's blessing) want to scrap the Internet as it currently exists and start all over. I can't fathom how such a monumental undertaking would be accomplished. Wouldn't the logistics alone be a nightmare? Proponents believe, however, that a clean slate is the only way to effectively address challenges such as security and mobility, variables which make the current system vulnerable to spammers and hackers.

Redesign will incorporate mechanisms known as virtualization for multiple networks to operate over the same "pipes." Also possible are new structures for data packets and a replacement of Cerf's TCP/IP communications protocols. A new network could run parallel with the current Internet and eventually replace it. Or so the thinking goes. Sounds like a daunting proposition to me.


Winners of this year's Bookseller/Diagram Prize for oddest book title:

First prize: "The Stray Shopping Carts of Eastern North America: A Guide to Field Identification"

Runners-up included "Tattooed Mountain Women and Spoon Boxes of Daghestan," "How Green Were the Nazis?", and "Better Never to Have Been: The Harm of Coming Into Existence."

Past winner: "People Who Don't Know They're Dead: How They Attach Themselves to Unsuspecting Bystanders and What to Do About It."

If you're so bored you feel like nothing will ever excite you again, you could go to this site and place your global warming bet. Odds at the site are 200 to 1 that Cape Henry, Virginia, will be under water by 2015 and 300 to 1 that Cape Hatteras, North Carolina, will be under water by the same year. They're also betting that Manhattan will be submerged before 2011.
ImageChef.com - Create custom images
inconveinience - When the new nurse just can't get the needle in the vein.

Habitant - Things that ants do over and over again.

negoations - Trying to get the best deals for goats.
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Dear Miss BigShit,

Well I only asked because you kep erasing my post from the pubic broad and i needed a ansser.

I do not beeleeve Mr. Pimp Bill Daddy makes no $5 a day and I dont beeleeve you have nerver saw his butt.

If my book is any store could ewe pleaze tell me which shinning sea coast the store is on?

If you delete this email befoare you reed it I will send a secruity gard to you office to fake arrest you. So there.

Sincerely,
Still Waiting for a Answer
______________________
Dear Wait for Eternity & See If I Care,

Well, at least you have finally learned how to properly address me. I AM the Bigshit around here and you best not be forgetting it.

Your postess to the massage board are too redicoulousous to allow to remain. You clearly do not know what your talking about. Please get someone knowlegedege able to read your contract to you word buy word so you will understand and not bother us anymore. I am trying to earn my $5.00 so Uncle Billie won't be mad at me. I saw where he is advertising for new help and I don't want to lose this job.

From sea to shinning sea.

Your book is in the bookstore By the shores of Gitchee Gumee, By the shining Big-Sea-Water. So, there!

Each and every day.

Now please, don't bother me anymore. It's time to give Mr. Bill his bikini wax and I am late.

Author Slapyouonyourass Team
_________________________
Dear Twit:

Are you advertising job openings because of a mass exodus of your employees?

Sincerely,
Wouldn't work for you if my life depended on it.
_________________________
Dear Wouldn't Work,

Look at your own name. This is why you sit and whine and bombard us with e-mail because you claim your book doesn't sell. Promote! Make bookmarks! Hold garage sales! Pester strangers on the street! Get a car with a bigger trunk! Whose fault is it if your book doesn't sell? It's surely not ours!

For your edification, no, there is no mass exodus here at Putrid Publishing. What is transpiring is something wonderful! We are expanding again! Clearly, you have seen our new ad in the local paper advertising for additional staff. If you wish to apply -- and I assure you you would have to WORK -- you should do so by e-mail only. No telephone calls or walk-ins are permitted.

Pay is commensurate with your lack of experience. Benefits include uniforms (one-size-fits all robes), tambourines, and all the Kool-Aid you can drink. It is, of course, mandatory that you accept all benefits. They are for your own good.

New employees are housed, free of charge -- that's right, it doesn't cost you a penny! -- on the top floor of our building for a 1-month period of indoctrination. During that period, you will not be permitted to leave the premises, make/receive phone calls or e-mails, or send/receive mail. Instead, you will spend your time learning the publishing industry from the inside out, posing for cover art, learning telemarketing skills, acquiring aggressive and abrasive author control methods, and getting acquainted with The Founders. Do bring your own birth control.

Thank you for your interest in Putrid Publishing.

Sincerely,
Why's It So Dark Up Here Where My Head Is?
___________________________
Dear TWIT,

Can you give me a resonabble explaination why Putrid Publishing -- and a lot of other places to -- are run by big hairy sleazy scummy scammy pricks?

I am do royalities. It is not a mute point. I erned it and I want it.

I am going to arbitate the hell out of you.

Sincerely,
Puked Out
_______________________
Dear Punked Out,

You make ME puke, you punk. Your accusations are beyond silly. Of course you have not sold any books and if you have you shall be paid in a timely manner; i.e. at one second before midnight on the last day.

LOLOL, one of OUR authors selling books. How silly can you get?

Putridly Shabby Publishing Team


Who's up for some therapy?

There's a 28% Chance That You Need Therapy

You may need therapy, but you're probably doing okay at working out your own problems.
In general, you are able to solve any troubles that come up. But there's no harm in talking to a professional.

12 comments:

Steve G said...

Tere is a 28% chance that I need it. We have something in common.

tfg said...

I can live without Cape Henry, so long as Florida goes under, too.

Roxan said...

I took the quiz using characters from Sons Of Morrigan in place of myself. LOL

***There's a 100% Chance That You Need Therapy***


You needed a therapist many months ago. And you definitely need one now!
You've let your problems take over your life in an unhealthy way. It's time for some professional help.

Hale McKay said...

Is it not obvious that the government would want to start the internet all over so that it could be in control - i.e., charge postage on e-mails, fill it full of regulations and licenses which in turn could become taxable incomes?

Remember the government does things when it's to its advantage.

Scary Monster said...

Me has heard that idea of redoing the net before or rather building a new one to run on top of it and hopefully replace it. Make me think of a large city that keeps on building on top of itself leaving an entire sub culture below. Me wouldn't mind becoming one of the morelocks

Serena Joy said...

Heh. Two not needing so much therapy, and then there's Roxan's character -- who'd eat shrinks for breakfast. LOL.

Hey, I like FL, TFG.

That was one of my first thoughts about that whole story, Mike. Let the government get its thumb in that pie and we might as well kiss it goodbye.

I like your analogy, Scary. I think I'm scared of Morelocks, though.:)

Corn Dog said...

39% chance I need therapy. Well okay then.

Oh yeah redo the internet. That's a good one, like they're redoing the Bay Bridge out here and redoing it and still redoing and redoing it some more...and finally you just wish the damn earthquake would knock the thang down so they could hurry up and finish.

Serena Joy said...

Not to worry, CD -- 39% won't require that much therapy. I'm looking for a group rate for us.

Oh, yeah, let the government get involved in redoing the Internet. It'll crash every other day and replacement parts will cost $52 million apiece. LOL.

Scary Monster said...

Me just come from December's place.
Congratulations.

STOMPERIFFIC.

Serena Joy said...

STOMPIN' back at 'ya, Scary.

JL4 said...

62% Yikes!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Serena Joy said...

Wowser, JL4! You'd better get in line to do group therapy with the rest of us. LOL!