Friday, April 13, 2007

Of Fridays & Kumquats

What exactly is a kumquat? I'm not sure I've ever even seen one. I know I've never eaten one. Why am I thinking about kumquats? Beats me. I was thinking about silly sounding words that are fun to say and realized there are several fruits and vegetables on the list. Rutabaga, for example. And zucchini. Squash. Pickle. Passion fruit. Pepinos and pluots. Mangos and papayas. Kiwi. And ... the ever humorous kumquat.

If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?

Oh, just go with it. This is ever so much better than attempting to talk about Don Imus (who I am firmly convinced is a too-long-dead zombie).

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You guys have the floor for defining Words Gone Wild today. Give these your best shot.

negitive

brandy sniffer

evidentially

cigeratts

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Dear Mr. AnalSuppositoryTwistit,

Well, boo-effin-hoo! You know what? I haven't signed any gag oder so I will now say even nastyer things about you! And guess what? I know a hell of a lot more places to put them than you know about. Are you worried? You should bea!

I would tell my Auntie Betty on you but I'm pretty sure she's the one who put you up to this. I never say never, though, TwitBoy. Are you sure there's no thing I can say, nothing I can do, that would perswade you to change your mind and let me back on the boards with my bubbies? Can you say IRS? I know you can't spell it, but can you say it? I think that if you were to go say that to Uncle Bobby and Aunt Betty and Pimp Daddy Bill, they just might told you to give me what I want. Plus, I'll tell PDB your Betty's boy-toy. He won't like that.

I want my massage bored privaledgges back NOW! Don't make me have to come up there!

Sincerely,
Boy, I'm REALLY Pissed Now
_________________________
Dear TWIT,

Is it true that it is the job of one of the editors there to polish Daddy Bill's head every morning? Also, is it true that Daddy Bill wears his pants with the waistband all the way up to his man-boobies?

Sincerely,
Fashion Police Rookie
_________________________
Dear Rookie,
Listen, buddy, your email is so full of puke dooty we shouldn't even talk to you anymore but, since you have aksed and are in such oblivious need of the truth we will answer this one time.

Yes, our top editor gets the priveledges of waxing MR. Bill's (to you buddy!) globe every morning. It is a much coveted responsibiltbittlly. He is carefully put into the bowling ball waxing machine and left there for an unspecified amount of time. Then he is removed, water pumped out of him, and Mother's Auto wax is smeared all over his head and his beautiful hairy chest and ....well never mind the rest. You are tooo undeserving to know the rest, but Bitsy is mad everytime she doesn't get to do it.

Yes, MR. Bill (to you buddy!) does indeed wear his elastic waisted britches up under his man boobies, soft, furry little things that they are...um never mind that last part. He has to wear them like that because he has no ass to hold his pants up otherwise. His big belly took all of his ass away, not that any of this is your business.

Now, stop harrassing us with this nonsense. We will have your local police come beat the living shit out of you. We will expect your apology. We will not read any more of your drivel until you apologize to us and to MR. Bill (to you, buddy!). We will delete all further emails from you unread so we will never know if you apologized or not. If you don't believe us, go read PutridPublishingsucks.com...um NO that's not what I meant. Go read our propaganda page where we make people mad by using the testominals they wrote when they were happy with us. Go write your next book so we can scam you even more.

Censerily,
Your Firendly Always Ready to Pound You into the Ground AuthorNonSupport Team aka Bodacious Betty
_________________________
Dear Betty,

Whoa, TWIT Girl! Puke dooty? You truly are a consummate professional, aren't you? Do you think there's any hope in hell I could ever aspire to a position as glamorous and important as yours? I'm sorry, I had to go and barf before I could respond to that. Hate to burst your bubble, TWIT, but since he's insinuated his big belly into my business, everything he does is MY business. Pssst -- how do you know how much ass is under his britches? You don't -- you know -- do you? Ugh!

Sorry, babe, ain't gonna happen. No police, no apology, no end to the harassment. Just so you know? I just forwarded to the FBI your e-mail threatening to beat the shit out of me and admitting you don't read mail. Have a nice day! And be sure and say hey to Pimp Daddy Bill for me. Tell him I said I'll bet his stable makes him a whole $4.98 today.

Love, the Rookie
_______________________
Dear Ms. Thang,

I told you we would delete any further emails from you. Why are you still writing to us? You truely are oblivious.

I'll have you know we, each and every one of us, each and every day, clear at least $5.00 each for Pimp Daddy...um MR. Bill from sea to shinning sea in bookstores all across this nation each and every day each and every one of us from sea to shinning sea. Got that?

As for MR. Bill's ass? Just don't you concern yourself with it. There's really not that much of it to worry about.

The FBI huh? Is that supposed to scare us? Well, it does, but that's beside the point. The point is from sea to shinning sea in bookstores all across this nation each and every day! That is the point.

All of your questions have been answered. So, there!

Betty, Authorshitonyou Team



What does your favorite color say about you?
What Your Favorite Color Pink Says About You:

Blissful --- Content --- Romantic
Idealistic --- Expressive --- Artistic
Funny --- Quirky --- Individualistic


Oh, duh, what a dolt am I. It only just dawned on me, thanks to December Quinn, that it's Friday the 13th. It's a lucky day!

14 comments:

Roxan said...

***What Your Favorite Color Green Says About You:***


Balanced --- Relaxed --- Flexible
Compassionate --- Philosophical --- Humble
Loyal --- Inventive --- Unique

I don't have a favorite color so I picked the one that most appealed to me. Clear was not a choice. LOL

Roxan said...

Man boobies. ROTF

Seeley deBorn said...

Blue
Emotional--- Affected--- Sensitive
Peaceful--- Tranquil--- Connected
Spiritual--- Experimental--- Deep

Steve G said...

Funny conversation going back and forth, but man boobies are for those that are more faint of heart. If you know what I mean. Arnold S, knows.

JL4 said...

evidentially [the foregone conclusion that the truth can't be held back]

cigeratts [the two legged form of poison]

Soooo, sue me for trying!

Kanrei said...

I like the word "arugala." I have never eaten one or seen one, but I like the word.

A brandy sniffer is someone a little too obsessed with the actress who played "Moesha."

Serena Joy said...

No, Roxan, clear is not a color. LOL. Green is good.

Next to pink, I like blue best, too, Seeley.

I can see, Steve, that we're going to have to open an educational forum on the popular topic of -- man boobies. LOL.

Good definitions, JL4.:)

And good call on the "sniffer," Kan. LOL. Isn't arugula some kind of lettuce? Shows you how much I know about vegetables.

Seeley deBorn said...

Arugula is a yummy little green thing that looks like a weed and makes great salads with a sesame-soy dressing.

Serena Joy said...

Thanks, Seeley. Now I think I know what it is.

Corn Dog said...

My fav color is black:
Timeless --- Stylish --- Sophisticated
Overpowering --- Intimidating --- Dominant
Perfectionist --- Controlling --- Competent
Pretty much as far from the truth as you can get.

Kumquats are bitter little fruit farts but arugala is quite delicious. I think I could eat grass and say it was delicious. They have flower mix out here in CA in the grocery stores with nasturiums in them. That is good too.

Lee said...

Kumquat or Cumquats are of the citrus family. They're like small very orange in colour, oranges and they make wonderful jam.

ThatGreenyFlower said...

I picked purple, although I really feel like they could have offered me more choices. "Purple" doesn't capture the kind of warm fruity plummy color that I really like...

Intuitive --- Seeking --- Creative
Kind --- Self-Sacrificing --- Growth Oriented
Strong --- Very Wise --- Rare

"Rare"--I believe that, anyway.

Too bad that asphodels (as in, "Asphodel, that greeny flower"... Whence came my name) don't come in purple.

tfg said...

What I want to know is: What are capers?

Serena Joy said...

I had no idea, TFG, so I looked it up. Apparently, it's:

1. A usually spiny Mediterranean shrub (Capparis spinosa) having white to pale lilac flowers and dehiscent fruits with reddish pulp.
2. A pickled flower bud of this plant, used as a pungent condiment in sauces, relishes, and various other dishes

Which is not to be confused with capons.:)

Purple's pretty, Greeny. It's the color of royalty, you know.

I wear a lot of black, CD. Clearly, you and Lee know a whole lot more about kumquats than I do. Maybe I'll see if I can find some.