Thursday, April 12, 2007
The Peep Is Dead, Long Live the Tasmanian
Tasmanian devils, little fox-like marsupials with powerful jaws that exist only in Tasmania (outside of zoos), are being relocated to an island (Maria Island) off Australia in an effort to thwart possible extinction by virtue of a contagious cancer that creates grotesque facial tumors.
The disease was first noticed in the mid-1990s in northeastern Tasmania, where a startling 90% of the devils have since perished. It is spreading south and west, and scientists estimate that within five years, there will be no disease-free devil population in Tasmania. At this rate, they could be extinct within twenty years.
Scientists looking for solutions hope that if devils are wiped out on the Tasmanian mainland, the disease will die along with them. Subsequently, the devils quarantined in safe havens could then be safely reintroduced back into Tasmania.
The move to quarantine healthy animals is already underway. A long quarantine should ensure that only healthy animals are released on Maria Island. Since the cancer typically shows up a year or two after infection, a long quarantine would serve to avoid relocating sick animals.
Here's my question. Scientists and doctors have been scoffing for years at the very notion that cancer is in any way contagious. So, then, what is this?
preferble - The state of being just prior to becoming ferble.
wierd - All hyped up and jumping around oddly.
extrenme - An unusual (Extreme Sex?!) sex thing someone is requesting.
wellfare - A social program to ensure that recipients fare well.
beer innama - I ain't touching this one.
frolocking - Another one of those weird sex things. Mmm-hmm.
voluptous - One who'd like to be curvy and statuesque but looks more like a velociraptor.
he's not hear - In other words, he's deaf as a post and he can't heeeaaar you.
Why am I banned from the massage boreds? All I did was ask how much the helloclopper costed.
Our official statement is, we do not make a practice of banning our members. This must have been a technical error. We will try to find someone who cares enough to fix the problem. You should be hearing from us shortly.
That was the OFFICIAL response. Now, more accurately:
Listen you inferior being, we will block every attempt to break through the kool-aid induced euphoria we instill on our Authors. We simply cannot allow anyone with common sense on the boards saying bad things about our great company.
It is obvious you said something that upset the message board Queen and she immediately brought it to the attention of Betty, who was in the middle of a bondage session with Uncle BB, who decided it was time to make you go away.
Now, we still expect your apology and any further correspondence from you will go unanswered
I am glad I could be of service,
Annoyance Suppression Team
Oh, you've done it now, TWIT Boy. You have made me cry! NObody gets away with that! I can take being yelled at, cussed at, ignored, disagreed with, and pecked by chickens. But I did not upset your Queen! You take it back!
Do Betty and Uncle BB like bondage cake with their chicken? I could send them one if they'll let me back on the boreds. I really need my massages. You could have a cake, too, if it would make you go suppress somebody else. I'd even send you some organic Koolade to go with it.
Whaddaya say, TWIT Boy? Am I back in yet?
Make ME Cry, Will Ya
Dear Make Me Cry,
Now listen here girlie, you have continued to post nasty things about us ad nauseam, and we have let you. The end of the story is, we can't let you anymore. You might say something that would make one of our annoying little meaningless authors realize they are unhappy with us. We have enough of that already.
No, You are not "back in" and you never will be. You are nothing to us and you can consider this our final word on the subject.
Agony Spreading Twit
Today is my first day as an acquisitions editor. I've been told to throw away all mail unopened. Only problem is that in order to throw email away I have to print it and I don't have a printer. And in order to print email (if I had a printer) I'd have to open it. This job is hard. Is there a training manual?
Recent Art History Graduate
Well, you have a riddle wrapped up in an enigma on your hands, don't you? If you can't figure this out for yourself, why don't we just move you out of Acquisitions and make you a general partner? I believe that position would fit you like a glove. And you wouldn't need a printer. Or a letter opener, not that we allow employees to possess sharp objects, anyway.
R.I.P., Kurt Vonnegut