Just Call Me Hester

Maybe I should have the No Crap sign hanging from my neck today. I don’t want to see any crap, hear any crap, or speak any crap today. I am not in the mood. And let me tell you, there is plenty of crap to go around. I’m all over the map with it – a little bit here, a whole lot of it there, and a bunch of it jammed in between. Or no, wait – maybe it’s a big scarlet A I should be wearing. For Attitude. I have attitude OD going on today, no doubt about it. There’s a situation going on that I perceive as unethical. More than that, I believe it's just plain wrong. And more than that, it reminds me of the kind of feeding frenzy you'd see when a pack of sharks is circling one of its wounded. Some crap just makes my hair stand straight up, my blood boil, my middle finger get itchy, and makes me want to yell, "You stupid, stupid -- beeyotch!" Yeah, of course I was thinking of a word a hell of a lot stronger than that one but I'll play nice. I’m not going to discuss it, because to do so would be throwing fuel on the fire, not to mention giving it more exposure than it deserves. I’d just as soon see it die out for lack of oxygen. And frankly, I wouldn't mind depriving the whiny, the supercillious, the pompous, and the supremely egotistical of a little oxygen. If I’m an attitudinal, snappish shrew today, that’s why. 'Nuff said.


ajitated - Over-stimulated by the use of Ajax.

look at this from a different angel - Good girls gone bad.

quit pedaling this garbage - Someone with a crappy bike.

courious - The curious courtier.


Dear Saber-toothed (soon to be toothless) Tiger,

You mite be the power-mongering bastard today, but I'd watch my back tomorrow. Ha-ha-ha! You never know when the IRS, CIA, FDA, WHO, USDA, FBI, FEMA, DOD, etc., ad nauseam, just might show up on your doorstep. Who'll be laughing then, Mr. Tiger Man?

Yeah, you called one thing right -- I got my reality check okay. But thats ok becasue you will get your's.

Hey do you think you talking to some moeron? I know theirs no such thing as a splell-cheek. I just wanted to cee if you wood admit it.

Yes your lawyer does represent terrorists. I think saber-tooth tigers are terrorists so you must fit rite in in that there townhouse. I have a Jack Russell Terrorist what I would like to have bit you and make you squeal like a little gurl. All in good thyme.

This war aint over Mr. Tiger. And a good bwhahahahaha to you to.

Sincerely,
Poor But Not That Pissy
____________________
Dear TWIT,

I have been over took by aliens. They has made me send you a book they maid me right. I think they have gone home now because they have not ben talking to me and I donot want to do this. I no this book would have to be edited a hole lot before it would be plublished. I need more time to do this. You have give me the dollar and I am giving it back. You will find it taped to the back of this letter. Look under the tin foil. Can we call the contract nill and vode and not do this and cancel the book. Thank you.

Oh the name of the book is A Mussel Car Named Desire As Drove by Zorba the Geek Down Tobacco Road at the Speed of Light.

Thank you.

Sincerely,
Disalienated
___________________
Dear TWIT,

I wish to order 100 copies of my book. My credit card number is xxxxx. As I understand it, this puts me within the 40-sales parameters of my book qualifying for returnability. I'm now going to get fully stocked in every bookstore from sea to shining sea, right? And I won't have to visit every one of those stores and beg any managers, right? And I won't have to make up weird souvenirs to hand out to strangers on the street trying to get them to buy my book, right? And you're not lying and scamming this time, right? Because I'm counting on you being honest for once -- this charge will max out my credit card and risk putting my house in foreclosure.

Sincerely,
Risking it all one more time

P.S. -- If you are lying again, I'm calling those Rainbow people on you.
___________________
Dear Risking (more than you know).

Now that you will soon be homeless you can order 100 more books. Hell we gotta sell em somewhere. We have charged your card and will ship your order shortly. We forgot to give you the discount, but I am sure you won't mind. As I am sure it won't matter that we don't pay you for these books either, because there is no way in hell we will do that.

Of course they will be returnable, sort of eventually anyway. Don't even think of trying to return them to us. You can buy them back from any book store dumb enough to pay the price we plan to ask for them.

Now we will still demand that our authors drink the Kool-Aid and peddle their worthless books from their cars (provided they have one.) What the hell, you didn't think we were gonna get off our collective asses to do it did you?

If you mention those Rainbow people again, we will delete that e-mail before we read it.

PunishAll Lies and Misinformation Department
____________________
Dear PAL,

Homeless? Who you callin' homeless? If it don't discount, the sale don't count. I've called my credit card company and cancelled your skanky charge. So there. I can now take my credit card and go get my car out of hock. You can't tempt me with no Kool-Aid, neither. I'm going to meetings for that. Hi, my name is Risking and I'm a Kool-Aid junkie. Well, Mr. PAL, I don't do that stuff no more. No, siree. I'm clean now and I won't never go back to the Kool-Aid gutter. Um, y'all could send me some flowers to mark my great achievement. Or do I have to off myself first and hope I can remember how to resurrect? Ah, fuhgeddaboud it. I'm just calling the Rainbow people. Rainbow people, Rainbow people. Neener-neener-neener.

Sincerely,
DeKooled


What kind of cheesecake are you?

You Are a Classic New York Cheesecake

Simple and sweet, you are a smooth operator. You can get along with anyone ... though after a bit of time, you're too much to handle!

What Kind of Cheesecake Are You?