Friday, April 27, 2007

Demolishing Tradition In 2 or 3 Fell Swoops



I know what the word "traditional" means. I can spell it. I can even use it in a sentence. I have a really hard time relating to it sometimes, though.

I don't bake cookies, for example. Well, I mean, why would I when the stores and bakeries are full of them? Wouldn't that be redundant? I don't cook, either, much to my mother's dismay. To her, a woman's inherent worth is based in large part on her ability to cook. Listen, my kids survived childhood without starving to death. Granted, I never was all that good at it, but now that they're grown and cooking for themselves, why on earth should I cook? My mother has a green thumb, too, and can make anything grow and thrive. She makes a finger crucifix whenever I, Our Lady of Dead Black Leaves, go near her plants.

I'm pretty sure I was responsible for a lot of the premature gray in my mother's hair. She wanted big-haired debutantes. Instead, she got me, the hippie chick who ironed her hair and refused to go to the prom. She wanted me to date the upstart neighbor's dorky son who was in my class. Instead, I was partial to college boys. She wanted a prim and proper daughter. She got me, the girl who ran the gamut from Mary Quant miniskirts to faded blue jeans. She also wanted a reasonably intelligent daughter. I did do a passable job of that, I guess; she still talks about my GPA to people who have no interest whatsoever in that ancient history.

She wanted a daughter who would begin a career young and stick with it for the pension. She got a restless daughter who's reinvented careers several times, who's run a couple of businesses of her own before getting bored with them, who now works for an impoverished boss at slave wages. And loves it. What she got was a daughter who was much more interested in reading, writing, painting, causes, and ... dogs. I never told her about some of my other interests. I'd hate to make her faint any more than she already has on my account. I don't think her heart could withstand it.

She expected a daughter who at least pretended a polite interest in religion, politics, and ... ladies' clubs. When I try to tell her about the things I AM interested in, her eyes glaze over. I know she hates it that I refuse to follow in her footsteps to the DAR, but it is just Not Going To Happen. Stiff-lipped, straight-laced, blue-haired old ladies scare me.

On one occasion when I saw my mom recently, she asked me, "What's wrong with you?"

"What?" I asked, thinking I looked pretty darn healthy.

"Look at you," she demanded. I looked. I saw nothing wrong with my leggings, sparkly top, clogs, and ponytail with a spangled scrunchie.

"Don't you know how old you are?" she said. "Because I do. Do you have Peter Pan Syndrome or something? How long are you going to keep running around dressed like a kid?"

"For as long as I can get away with it," I said, quite reasonably in my opinion. "Ma, this is me. I am who I am. Maybe I'll start acting my age when I'm your age and your age when I'm about 90. In the meantime, this suits me just fine. Got an extra pain pill?"


Man who run in front of car get tired.

Man who run behind car get exhausted.

- Chinese proverbs

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Notes for The Prom Squad

Here's who's revved up and ready to go so far:

  1. Serena
  2. Roxan
  3. Leelee
  4. Rubber Corndog
  5. TFG, our date
  6. Greenyflower
  7. Pug says he's bought me a corsage, so I guess he's in.

Okay, so we don't have a whole lot of dates yet, with the exception of TFG and Pug who have graciously assented to escort us. What, no more boys brave enough to buy us corsages and take these girls to the prom?

We'll keep a running commentary on who's going, what they're wearing, who's got wheels, who's the designated driver, who's got fake ID, who's got curfew, yada-yada.

It's true that I like pink. A lot. But jiminy christmas, a pink prom dress would be just too foufou for words. I don't want to go looking like Little Bunny Foo-Foo. I'm going with black. That'll look good with my Doc Martens. What are the rest of you wearing?


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Morman church - The chapel where it's raining men.

I new here - Not no more, you ain't. You in good company now.

bizzare - The sound made by strange bees.

Cheif - When Che Guevara cooks.


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Dear TWIT,

Attached for you're conslideration is my finished manuskrip of a very sweet and timely childrens book, The Little Hellicopter That Could. I have alreaady edited it to perfection so it won't not be necessary for you to do any editing and I would like to have it fast tracked assuming of course that you except it which of course I am hoping you will because it is a very good storie.I look forward to hereing back from you at your earlyest convienence about this exciting projector.

Sincerely,
Asspiring Author
_____________________
Dear Asspiring Author:

I regret to inform you that we have met our quota for the day. As your writing is something we feel will resonate with our childish readers, I'd like to invite you to resubmit your manuscript in one week's time. After your book is published, I will extend another invitation to you -- an invitation to purchase as many of your books as will fit in the trunk of your car. You will need them to take them from bookstore to bookstore, flea market to flea market, etc., so you can sell them in order to make a fraction of the money you spent when you bought them.I don't, however, wish to hear about how no one wanted your 25 page children's book priced at the low, low price of $14.95. I also don't want to hear how upset you are because you do not get the standard discount most Putrid authors get -- your book contains full color art -- therefore, we cannot give your a discount. You will be required to pay full price.If I do hear from you, chances are I will send you one last invitation -- an invitation to go fuck yourself.

I look forward to your resubmission, and all the crap I'll have to put up from you just to get a few lousy bucks!

Sincerely,
Quota Girl
___________________
Dear Quota Girl,

Tomorrow, huh? Bummer. But that's all righty roo, I'll send it back off first thing in the AM. Oh I forgot to say it's not 25 pages its 5 pages. How much will it cost then? If they ain't over $5 I will buy sum. Only -- only how comes I can't get the discount? What did I ever do to you? Pleaze give me the discount Miss Quota Girl. Because if you donut, I might could only by 10 instead of 5 see what I mean?Oh! Oh! You said the F-word to me! I'm telling the BBB up there in Freddrik. You will have to pay DOUBLE dues before they give you a excellunt raiting again. What do you think of them apples?

Sincerely,
Pissing My Ass(piring author) Off
_____________________
Dear TWIT,

I have just learned that I was incompetent when I signed my contract with your company. Apparently, I still am. At least, that's what the cop who arrested me last night said, backed up by the staff in the Psych ward.

So, could you apply your new returnability policy to my contract and return it to me? I'm told I'm capable of some weird affect and inappropriately bizarre behavior if you don't. Wow, fire is really pretty. And those covers of yours produce some really far-out colors when they burn.

Sincerely,
Nuts and Loving It



You Are a Mai Tai

You aren't a big drinker, but you'll drink if the atmosphere is festive.
And when you're drunk, watch out! You're easily carried away.

27 comments:

Roxan said...

I'm also a Mai Tai. Not that I would actually drink one.

Roxan said...

I found a neat tafetta evening gown in a dark gray, but since I'm dirt poor I'll have to settle for whatever is in my closet. I have a burgundy colored Halloween medieval dress. Will that work? I'll wear the long fake braid that came with it. Should look lovely will my combat boots.

Serena Joy said...

What's wrong with Mai Tais? I like 'em. I think the medieval dress will work just fine, and will look fetching with your combat boots. I have some laces with silver skulls on them if you want to borrow them.

Roxan said...

Nothing's wrong with Mai Tai, I'm just more of a Captain and coke sort of girl.
Skulls, cool!

Corn Dog said...

OMG! You are SO funny! I am laughing so hard. I have to stop at Goodwill and check out the prom dresses. I have to make a fake id. I have SO MANY things to do before prom. hahahahahahah

Oh yeah my Mom asked me once and only once what was wrong with me when I was an adult. I looked her in the eye and replied "you" and stormed out her front door. She and I did not have a good relationship. We have a better one since she is dead. She doesn't antagonize me or talk back.

Roxan said...

Damn corn dog, are we related? LOL

puerileuwaite said...

TFG and I are scaring the other "so-called" men away. Not to worry, as we are bee-like in our ability to move from "corsage to corsage".

puerileuwaite said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Steve G said...

I was the first graduate at my high school. I was the only senior, so I didn't have a prom. I did take my older cousin to her prom. She was nice, but had trouble finding a date.

Serena Joy said...

You get to borrow my skull laces, Roxan. You lose 'em, I'll have yours. I think I'll wear my laces with the little blood vials. I'll let you know when I decide whose.:)

Cool prom dresses at the Goodwill, CD. Heh. No more antagonism is always a good thing. I guess that's one way to smooth over for good a troubled relationship. See Roxan; you two may be sisters.

Not to worry, Puggy. I have faith in your abilities. You and TFG need to be working out and building up your strength. You're taking out a pack of dancing queens, you know. We wouldn't want to wear you out.

Wow, Steve -- a 1-person school is a good way to get out of the prom. That was awfully nice of you to take your cousin to hers.

Roxan said...

How many heads do you think I have? I don't lose things unless I want to. Like an ex husbands, who has been mysterious quiet since our last conversation. Hmmm, I wonder why. And NO my DNA will not show up on the body. I am innocent. LOL

leelee said...

Ok I will find my prom outfit and post it on my blog...so kids check back often.. lol (that's one way to get that site meter up and running)

I'm so excited...ya know who can probably help me with my look is
Deb...you Know Napoleon Dynamites friend??
She's got the style going...plus she makes boondoggle key chains..

leelee said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Serena Joy said...

I'm pretty sure you have only one head, Roxan. Which is why you don't want to lose my sparkly skulls, because then your skull would belong to me.:) I think I know what happened to your ex, but not to worry, my lips are sealed. LOL.

All RIGHT, Leelee, you're in the Great Prom Spirit. I'll pop by after while and see your dress. I have no doubt it will rock.

Roxan said...

Then I'll go find my own skulls thank you very much. Real little monkey skulls.

tfg said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
tfg said...

I'm going to be wearing my Pretty Princess underwear and little else.

Serena Joy said...

LOL, T. If the prom falls on a day when I have custody of them, I'll let you wear my tiara.:)

Corn Dog said...

OMG, Roxan. My ex has gone weirdly silent too. I know his wife's ex was stalking the two of them. Maybe we are related.

MXI said...

Mai Tai that's almost insulting.

Prom night was very anti climatic, the girls sat on one side of the gym the boys on the other, we stared at each other till midnight when the lights were turned on to end the dance. Then we turned to each other and said "Aaww,I was just going to dance!"

Compared with today's youth we were late bloomers.

Lee said...

I thank God you are you, Serena...I thank you for being you...and I thank your mother for you being you! I'm sure she was or is proud of you, deb or not! I was never a "deb" either! lol

Serena Joy said...

Compared with today's youth we were late bloomers.

My bloomers are always a day late and a dollar short.

I was never a "deb" either! lol

Today, I think I'll impersonate a mannequin. Perhaps I'll put a deb dress on it.

Hale McKay said...

Would be honored to escort you to the prom - if this 'blankety-blank' sinus infection will hurry up and clear up.

Serena Joy said...

Oh, goody, we have another date. Thank you, Mike. Get your tux ready because I'm sure you'll be quite recovered by prom night.

Kate R said...

can you crash proms? is that sort of thing done?

On the other hand why would anyone want to?

Kate R said...

wait! What about pinstripes? Taffeta mock-businessman pinstriped gown with a lacy-assed red/blue club sort of ascot around the neck.

Black wingtip high heels. And sock suspenders like guys in movies set in the 40s wear only bedazzled.

Never been done, I bet. Oooo sounds hideous.

Serena Joy said...

can you crash proms? is that sort of thing done?

On the other hand why would anyone want to?


I can't think why anyone would want to, Kate, and I would hope it's not done. It's a good thing ours is only a virtual prom. LOL.

I love the sound of the outfit you described. Hideous, indeed. And hideous is working ever so well for me today.:)