Sunday, April 01, 2007
Is Still Wondering About a Few Things
From watching TV last night and actually listening to some of the advertisements, I now know that I will never be tolerated by polite society unless I drive the correct car or carry the de rigueur credit card. Similarly, I can expect to be treated like a pariah if I fail to wear the right bra, insoles, or lipstick. There is also the distinct possibility of shunning if I accidentally buy the wrong toothpaste, soap, pain reliever, or deodorant.
Did you know that using the proper brand of aerodynamically engineered and reinforced toilet paper will not only get the job done but leave you refreshed and confident enough to take on the world? Of course, choosing the right tampon, razor, or feminine hygiene product will do the same thing.
If you don't buy the right brand of furniture polish, antibacterial wipes, air spray, or vacuum cleaner, you will die a hideous death from allergies, and you will suffer the tortures of the damned if they're accompanied by mites. You can't see the tiny assasins, so you must have the products. Slackers will be devoured from the inside out and choked in their sleep. I know it must be so; the TV said so.
I cower in fear that my friends will judge and reject me for having the wrong phone, mop, or cleaning products. If you get caught with off-brand stuff, the implication is that you're just stupid and deserve whatever dire consequences you get. Get the wrong bathroom cleaner and not only will your whole house stink but your children will be cursed for generations to come. I now know without a doubt that if I use the wrong shampoo or conditioner, I will go bald. If I pick up the wrong brand of hair color, my head will either swell up like a beach ball or my hair will be so fried I'll have to wear a helmet in public.
If I pick out the wrong stove, my food will catch fire and taste bad. An off-brand microwave will explode my food into the stratosphere. If I get the wrong refrigerator, I'll not only suffer with salmonella and E. coli but will be heckled because it's ugly. And wrong. If I accidentally on purpose pick up the wrong coffee, bread, or bug spray I'll be labeled as uninformed and hopelessly provincial. And God forbid I should eat a hamburger from the wrong chain or buy jeans at a non-hip store. I'd quickly get a reputation as a closet Republican that'll take me two lifetimes to live down.
I was rather horrified to learn that if I were a man and I ever got a gray hair, my life would be over. But praise the Lord, I can use a male hair coloring product which will turn my head and facial hair such an appealing sepia color that I'll get lucky on the spot, wherever I happen to be.
There are body washes guaranteed to keep my skin so moist and dewey that I'll look like a teenager for the next 150 years. And there are lotions which, if only I have the good sense to buy them, will perfectly rejuvenate my skin in four weeks and make me desirable for life.
There are juices and power drinks from which I can get all the vitamins I'll ever need, wonderful looking snack foods which contain no calories and which will turn me into an irresistible vixen overnight, and pretty pills for every ailment known to man which I can browbeat my doctor into prescribing for me.
It's probably a good thing that I usually zone out during commercials. Actually paying attention could wreak havoc with my brain circuitry, not to mention my budget.
The weekend docket of Words Gone Wild rounded up and turned over to Twisted Linguistics:-
invisable - You'll see the results of watching all those ads in this credit card bill.
woman's temperate movement - A grassroots campaign instigated by Republican men.
Kapeesh? - Capiche!
queue-card - A small piece of cardboard which ensures your place in line.