Tuesday, August 25, 2009

HaulButt Cards

I've been shopping for a nice selection of greeting cards for Skank Girl. I don't think I've mentioned to you guys what the occasion is. I got a raise the first of the month. It was only $1.00 an hour, but every little bit helps and I was glad to get it. I just found out last week that by whatever hook or crook, Skank Girl managed to get herself a raise of FOUR dollars an hour, so that she now makes the same rate I do. And she earns this for having no legal knowledge whatsoever, doing as little as she can get by with, and stealing from the boss. She did it (stole) again recently and Baby Lawyer and I know it, but the boss is protecting her for some unholy reason.

All of this, and so much more, is why I've declared war and open season on the ho. So, I'm looking to buy her cards to express my sentiments but not finding what I want commercially. As much as I admire and respect Hallmark, they're not going to be able to help me out here. Therefore, it looks like I'm going to have to make my own. And what I need from you guys today is a little help. I'm wide open to suggestions about what the cover picture should be, what would be an appropriate inside message and, if it's a sound card, whose voice and/or music would be most irritating. I'm not much of a graphic artist, but I think I can render whatever you all come up with. And Skank Girl will love it! And if there are words of more than two syllables, she won't have any idea whether she loves it or not. And ... if your card provides the impetus for her to haul butt, I will be in your debt forever!


G-Man said...

Just a little card of thought.
To a child of Skank,
From the Devil wrought.
Your ass is wide,
You have an infested Cooter,
You should own stock...
In Roto-Rooter!

I can only hope,
That in the end,
Your gash will bleed
And Never mend!!!

Dang Sherry, did that come out of me?
You inspire me so....:P

NYD said...

Frank Zappa once wrote a song called- Camarillo Brillo.
It might just be the musc you are looking for.
When I first heard it as a teen, it was about the only thing that could make me think of a girls as undesireable...in fact it still does. Shudder

NYD said...

please, please forgive the typos and do not add them to your twisted linguistics section

Serena said...

Good heavens, Galen, never mind SG, that scared ME! If I was the inspiration, I need to haul my butt off to a very serene retreat deep in the Zen Mountains so I can reform my thought processes. I don't want the stupid twit moaning and crying all over me. I just want her gone.:)

I have no speakers on my computer here, NYD, so I'm going to have to wait 'til I get home to give Zappa's tune a listen. I'll look it up, listen, and let you know whether I think it'll do. Regarding your post-script, not to worry, hon! I NEVER, EVER, BUT NEVER arrest my friends' Words Gone Wild.:)

Roxan said...

Something smells shitty
In the city
When you enter the room.

A gray cloud follows
As you walk the hallows
With a noxious fume

You have parts
That smell like farts
Oh how they loom.

g-man said...


Sorry about using the word Cooter Sherry. But there is nothing Elizabethan about her Quim!!

Serena said...

That's going to make an excellent greeting card message, Roxan. Now, how can I get a picture of a noxious, gaseous cloud for the front?:-)

NYD, I've now listened to Camarillo Brillo and I concur. It will drive her insane! Yes!!:-)

It's okay, Galen. But I can't use any Elizabethan words around her. She'd think it was a foreign language.:)

Skunkfeathers said...

A card that, on the front, holds a "as far as the eye can see" herd of crotch crickets.

On the inside, it reads something along the lines of "SG: your fans of the Abnormal Snatch-n-tackle Choir, wish you a Merry Exit! And stop scratchin', dammit, we like it here!"

Serena said...

That should work admirably, Skunk. Now -- where am I going to get a picture of a crotch cricket?:-)

Skunkfeathers said...

Well, you know a source where they live in abundance... ;) Or I'll email you one...

Serena said...

I guess you're gonna have to, Skunk, because I ain't getting close enough to SG for photos.:)