Tuesday, June 23, 2009

The Pits and the Pendulum

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In the spirit of noblesse oblige and because, well, it's just the kind of person I am, I am begging for soliciting contributions to send my boss to a half decent asylum. I am now convinced that she is indeed certifiable and that she is not going to get any mentally healthier sans some damned rigorous treatment. I sincerely believe that electroshock therapy would not be excessive in her case. She needs heavy-duty drugs, although I'm perfectly willing to cut costs by letting them try out the experimental stuff on her. She'll also require some fairly extensive therapy, rehab (because those places aren't gentle), severe (and frequent) shocking, and a nice tailored straitjacket. This stuff costs money, and I don't have it -- because she doesn't give me much.

Unlike many wrinkle creams and erectile dysfunction remedies, I can't, of course, guarantee results. But then, I don't really give a flying fluck about results. All I care about is that during her nice serene stay in the far, far away asylum, she'll be out of my hair. A certifiable boss out of sight, out of mind (literally) in a forbidding institution with crenelated towers and rubber rooms -- in, say, Sri Lanka -- whose methods, cleanliness, and success rate I couldn't care less about translates into a much happier Serena. I'm the one who needs the serenity. She doesn't deserve any. As you may have intuited by now, a happy Serena is much preferable to a pissed off Serena.

All contributions will be accepted with such maniacal glee you wouldn't even believe it. One Dollar, Five Dollars, a Thousand -- it doesn't matter. Just do it! You'll feel good for having contributed to such a worthy cause, and I know you won't say anything if I skimp on her treatment a little (okay, a lot) and go get a facial and a pedicure and a few new outfits.

And by the way, we won't be sending Skank Girl with her. They'd enjoy that too much. No, I have other plans for our trailer-park Lady Chatterley. I'll let you know when it's time to get charitable again and donate to that fund. That one might cost a little more. There's quantum physics, dark matter, black holes, and a little junk science involved.

6 comments:

snowelf said...

I will be wiring you some money shortly.

(hugs)

--snow

Serena said...

Thank you, Miss Snow! You can rest assured that your hard earned money will make a difference toward buying someone, namely me, some peace of mind.:)

NYD said...

Does Monopoly money count? That's what I get paid in....

Gambatte!

Serena said...

Ii desu ne, NYD! I'll take it -- as long as I can also get the Go Directly to Jail (or the nuthouse, as the case may be) card.:)

G-Man said...

I believe she needs Guillotine Therapy...:-)

Serena said...

Ah, yes, Galen -- brain surgery. That would work. Now to find a surgeon...:-)