Monday, May 18, 2009

There Are Neighbors, and Then There Are Neighbors




REDNECK WEENIE ROAST
REDNECK THANKSGIVING


I'm going to acquaint you with a set of my neighbors today. I haven't said anything about them before, mainly because it was too embarrassing. This bunch lives across the hall from me. The thing is, I don't even know for sure who all is living in there; scary looking people are always coming in and out. When I first moved in, it was one guy, his girlfriend, and two children -- one his, one theirs. The landlord told me this guy was 22 or 23 years old, which rather made me do a double-take when I saw that his child was at least 6 years old. (And I hate to even think about the mother if this goober was able to get custody.) Theirs was just an infant. The landlord also told me that the guy's mother lived in another unit here, and that the guy followed her here from another state, as did his brothers from time to time. That was fine with me. It was all family-oriented. No problem. Both the boy and his girlfriend had lots of piercings and tattoos and were unemployed, but it was no skin off my nose.

And then (in February or March, IIRC), the girlfriend moved out. She took the infant, and the older child began spending most of his time at the grandmother's place. The guy across the hall stayed pretty much to himself. And quiet. And then -- and then this guy who looks like some kind of mutant showed up about six weeks ago. I'm assuming it's a brother, because he, too, heads for the mother's place at mealtime. Both guys have what is one step removed from shaved heads -- what do you call that, a buzz cut? -- but with long sideburns. The brother has so many facial piercings that he looks like he's been hit by shrapnel. They both wear undershirts as outerwear, and the brother wears big, thick bling with his. The actual tenant drives a junker with no muffler. The brother has no car at all and is, of course, unemployed. They look like escapees from the cast of "Deliverance," and I know they scare people when they're just hanging out out front, staring vacantly, smoking incessantly and tossing the butts on the ground (forbidden in the lease, but then so are loud parties), and spitting on the (wooden) sidewalk.

Their mother appears to be as socially backward as her boys, and she doesn't work, either. How they pay the rent and live is beyond me. She had a live-in, but he disappeared around the same time as her son's girlfriend.

Now, it beats me who'd want to party with this crew, but party they do. They've been averaging two or three loud, late-night parties a week. I've e-mailed the landlord at least three times about it and left one midnight phone message. So far, they're still there, although the last party was Thursday night. Now I'm using Serena Will Power on them. They'll never know what hit 'em, but they did ask for it. I don't care what happens to them. If they get a jazzed up Swine Flu, if a meteor takes out their apartment, if a falling chunk of frozen airplane poo conks them on the head, if they're abducted by aliens, if they fall into bottomless sinkholes, if they get arrested for being uncouth... Whatever. It's no skin off my nose. All I care about now is that they get gone. They asked for it. I'm about ready to tell the landlord that if I had wanted to live in a backwoods trailer park, I could have moved into a real one for a hell of a lot less than I'm paying to live here.

You know, we had a 3.0 earthquake here early Saturday morning. That's a pretty rare occurrence in the Blue Ridge Mountains. Why, oh, why couldn't the quake have shaken them up and rearranged their brain cells, resulting in ... a little sense?

The main reason I chose this apartment was because the landlord assured me it was a "safe, clean, quiet community." Well, it's clean and safe. I'll give him that. But quiet? Puh-leeze. He also told me that mostly older, professional people lived here. There may be 4 or 5 older people here, and he didn't mention a word about the dozen-plus screaming toddlers.

I'll save the tale of the other problem neighbor at the other end of the complex for another day.

Well. Y'all have a great Monday, you hear?

12 comments:

VE said...

"He also told me that mostly older, professional people lived here."

Yeah..."mostly"....that's the same line they used in Aliens...

Serena said...

Yeah, VE, it's much akin to piracy; i.e., all those sentences in the lease aren't rules so much as they are guidelines.:)

puerileuwaite said...

First off, kudos for working "why, oh why" into the post. Even if it was purely at the subconscious level (I look for signs wherever I can ... a gift I share with both John Hinckley* and Son of Sam* [* both of whom are likely getting paroled soon, and will need a nice, quiet and professional apartment complex to reside in ... but alas, I digress]).

Second, have you considered renting a huge, truck-mounted electromagnet to lure them out of town? If not, let me put you in touch with one Mr. Haney. The man offers every service you can imagine.

And if that fails, then my advice is to conquer from within. Would it kill you to actually attend one of their soirees? Okay, so perhaps it would. But maybe you can improve the survival odds by renting "The Hills Have Eyes" along with a few Jodie Foster movies** (** you may want to actually purchase those as future conversation fodder with Mr. Hinckley). And don't just opt for her "tough girl" roles; "Nell" is an exceptional choice for acclimating you both to their lingo and level of social interaction.

Finally, this particular Pug is willing to temporarily move in with you in order to establish a menacing presence and let them know there's a new duke in Hazzard County. I come complete with wife-beater t-shirt, henna tattoos, accessories attached to my clothing via chains, herbal cigarettes, and bitchin' Camaro.

G-Man said...

Are you sure you don't live in WEST Virginia?

Serena said...

Thank you, Pugsley. I deserve all the kudos I can get.:-) I wouldn't mind directing either Hinckley or Sam over there as potential roommates. My problem would be solved, as long as I managed to get them rounded up again once the carnage was over. Alas, they don't invite me to their soirees. It could be the fact that my clothes look like they didn't come from the Goodwill. Or ... it could be the glares. I do like the idea of establishing a menacing presence. You, Galen, VE, NYD, Skunk, et al., could all move in, although it might get a tad close in the one spare bedroom. If y'all are game for the Goodwill thrift bins, I'm willing to spring for the wife-beaters, chains, and henna tattoos. There's already a bitchin' Camaro on the lot here, never mind that it's up on blocks. Also against the lease terms. But since those are just guidelines anyway, and I can apparently move in anybody I please, let's do it. There is safety -- and power -- in numbers, you know.:)

Well, Galen, I suppose it's possible. You know how geographically challenged I am. I guess I'm going to have to call a survey crew now and try to figure out just where in the hell I've landed myself. These problem mopes, by the way, came from Ohio. Do you suppose the maroons thought they were in West by God Virginia when they ended up here?:-)

NYD said...

I have really strange neighbors too, but they are shut-ins, so I never see 'em.

My advice is to hang a HUGE sachet of pachouli and a peace sign outside your door. It is like garlic to vampires. White trash will instantly retreat from anything hippie like

NYD said...

Oh, and by the way, try highlighting the text on my post with your secret decoder mouse.

Cheers.

Roxan said...

This is the closest my imagination comes to. Tell me if I'm close:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=XDdlHmzIdn8

Serena said...

Pachouli makes me sneeze, NYD, but I'm willing to try anything at this point -- as long as it doesn't involve live goats or chickens.

Oh! The secret decoder mouse. I decode cryptic stuff all day long so you'd think I'd have thought of that.:)

Serena said...

Great video, Roxan! Those guys look 100% better than "my" guys, though. I do think I've seen some of those chicks in the video over there partying. Well, the clothes look the same. I don't see any of the video chicks with muffin tops and rolls hanging out over their pants.:-)

Skunkfeathers said...

Ah, the Deliverance crowd has discovered in-door plumbing and moved in across the hall from you?

That sucks. And those aren't piercings; they apparently tried to go cowtipping one night, and he caught a face-full of buckshot...

Serena said...

LOL, Skunk. Maybe I should invite them cowtipping one evening -- after I've bribed the biggest, baddest bull in the herd to sit on them.:)