Tuesday, December 02, 2008
Hell in a Handbasket
“I'm bad and I'm going to hell, and I don't care. I'd rather be in hell than anywhere where you are.”
~ William Faulkner
I love Faulkner, never mind that I sometimes feel like I'm living my life trapped inside a Faulkner novel. The above quote seemed to me particularly apt by the time I got home from work yesterday. Dang, talk about your classic cluster-fuck. Today is shaping up to be not that much different. Way too much time is wasted spinning one's wheels trying to obtain in the midst of chaos the information one needs to do one's job. When an organized person in possession of a modicum of logic and linear thought is thrown into the lion's den, those damn lions are going to eat like kings every time.
I am here to confess that while I'm not altogether a bumbling idiot, I've made an inordinate number of truly stupid decisions in my lifetime. Sometimes, I don't think things through. Perhaps it speaks to my materialistic, avaricious side, but when a seemingly enriching opportunity presents itself, I tend to follow my instincts and jump right on that sucker. Oftentimes, I rue the day and live to regret it. I'm afraid that's about the size of my latter-day assessment of my job. All I can say is, it seemed like a good idea at the time. Of course, that's how I ended up pregnant, too, but that's neither here nor there. In hindsight, I think I made a big boo-boo making this career move without doing my homework -- you know, like actually asking people who'd been there before me about the lay of the land. Well, I rarely studied in school. Not that much has changed, apparently.
What I think about that misbegotten decision now can be summed up thusly:
"If you're going through hell, keep going."
~ Winston Churchill
Duh! As soon as this train reaches a stop where there's civilization, you can bet your ass I'm jumping off.
"Hell is other people."
~ Jean-Paul Sartre
Well, ain't that the damn truth! I know what I'm doing. What's everybody else's excuse? Why is somebody trying to conduct business based on Chaos Theory? News flash: it's not working!
"What fresh hell is this?"
~ Dorothy Parker
Alas, it seems that I'm channeling the late lamented Ms. Parker every morning when I walk into my office.
Hell's bells, something's got to give. Life needs to run like a well-oiled machine. When one cog is clogged up and running poorly, the other parts have to work twice as hard to stay up to speed. That's not an optimal situation. As loath as I am to make another move so soon, I think I need to. There's much to be said for peace of mind, and I'm finding less and less of that these days. I'd paint myself red and call myself Lola if I thought it would make me feel better. I may do it anyway. It would be different. The cleanup might be a bitch, though. I don't need any more mess. Some people thrive on stress and drama. I don't. Too much stress reduces me to a one-word vocabulary: Run!!
Here's a few blasfomys from hell for you to play with.
peice of mind