Monday, July 14, 2008

Wanted: Volcano Goddesses

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I've babbled a bit recently about volcanoes and the sudden, spontaneous eruption of same. It was, of course, mostly tongue in cheek. In other words, I knew volcanoes don't just spontaneously combust all that often and my chances of becoming a volcano goddess were virtually nil. But -- not so fast! Seriously, hold the phone. Apparently, volcanoes do go off spontaneously and I'm getting my résumé ready.

Just Saturday, one popped off in Alaska's Aleutian Islands, prompting an emergency evacuation of residents by the Coast Guard. The Okmok Caldera, which consists of a 6-mile-wide circular crater about 1,600 feet deep, erupted with little warning, just hours after seismologists at the Alaska Volcano Center began detecting a series of small tremors.

Llaima volcano, in Cherquenco, Chile, erupted on July 10th. The 9,400-foot volcano suddenly grew more dangerous after activity had been thought to have decreased in recent days.

On July 8th, lava spewed in 30-foot high plumes from Kilauea in Hawaii.

See what I'm saying? This stuff is happening, and these volcanoes will need goddesses. Somebody has to get the job, am I right? Just something to think about...

I heard about this job opening at the FBI, too.

The FBI had an opening for an assassin. After all the background checks, interviews, and testing were done, there were 3 finalists: two men and a woman.

For the final test, the FBI agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. "We must know that you will follow your instructions no matter what the circumstances. Inside the room you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill her!"

The man said, "You can't be serious. I could never shoot my wife."

The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for this job. Take your wife and go home."

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about 5 minutes. Then the man came out with tears in his eyes. "I tried," he said, "but I can't kill my wife."

The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife home."

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband.

She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after another. They heard screaming, crashing, and banging on the walls. After a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman, wiping the sweat from her brow.

"This gun is loaded with blanks," she said. "I had to beat him to death with the chair."

Yeah, she could nail one of the volcano goddess openings.

We have blasfomys to play with in the Court of TWISTED LINGUISTICS today. They ain't volcano goddesses but, what the hell, who is?

he's a real loaner - He's either a banker or a loan shark.


Well. I think that what we're looking at here is an epidemic, and a really stupid one at that. The plauge hits and everything seems ackward and goes all wrobg. It exausts the victims and turns them into complete excreants, and not even a mustard plastard will help.

I could be wrong, though. What do you think this stuff means?


VE said...

Of course you knew I was in the Coast Guard and I have been to several of those islands. I don't think I'd put a summer home there...

Bilbo said...

At the risk of offending the Volcano Goddess, I offer up the following burnt offerings:

excreant - one who excretes?

plauge - what the French use to stopper their drains.

ackward - in the direction of the ack.

exaust - a former aust.

plastard - someone who is not only drunk, but illegitimate.

comparasion - a side-by-side examination of two charged particles?

wrobg - as wrong as it can b.

Serena Joy said...

Unless, of course, I had a goddess position, I don't believe I'd care to summer there, either, VE. Or winter, for that matter.:)

Fear not, Bilbo. The goddess is well placated by your delightful interpretations. And now I think I'll go act like a plastard and plauge my drain, hopefully not ackward. Would that be wrobg?:-)

puerileuwaite said...

I LOVE that joke! I had forgotten it! That alone makes my day (you're just the icing on the cake).

I read a conspiracy theory about that Llama Volcano in Chile. Six "persons of interest" dressed as three llamas were seen fleeing the area just before the eruption.

Serena Joy said...

I hope it's chocolate frosting, Puggy. That's the best.:)

I've never trusted llamas -- or clowns in llama suits -- so there will be none tolerated in the court of the volcano goddess. Nip the conspiracy in the bud and you got no problem, I always say.:-)

G-Man said...

All this volcano and 'lava' talk has made the caldera a little bubbly.....

Serena Joy said...

Galen, when they're gonna blow, they're gonna blow. I just hope there's no nearby caldera getting ready to blow tonight because I'm just a leeetle too tired to do those sacrificial rites tonight. Takes a lot of energy to jump into those flaming craters, you know. Maybe I'll be a volcano goddess tomorrow.:-)