Tuesday, March 04, 2008

Sexy, Sexy Shoes

I read an intriguing article about shoes yesterday, the gist of which was that high heels equate to better sex. Well, we've always known they look good, but ... who knew?! Apparently, it's not even about the well-known aphrodisiac effects of visual stimulation on men. Rather, an Italian urologist concludes that wearing high heels give a woman's pelvic muscles a thorough workout. And let us note that those selfsame muscles constitute a woman's pleasure center; i.e., they have a direct line to The Big O.

In the past, we've heard that high-heeled shoes can cause everything from bunions to fainting to schizophrenia. I can see the corns/bunions and fainting and general crankiness, but how stilettos can bring on schizophrenia is beyond me; I'm not even going to inquire.

Of sixty-six women under 50 years old who participated in the Italian doctor's study, results showed that the posture of those who held their feet at a 15-degree angle to the ground, which has roughly the same effect as wearing a two-inch heel, was just as good as those who wore flat shoes. But ... in those same women, demonstrably less electrical activity in their pelvic muscles was observed. That finding would tend to indicate that the muscles (which assist and enhance sexual performance and satisfaction) were at an optimum position, which is believed to improve the strength and ability of the pelvic muscles to contract. Hmmm. I suppose there's a certain logic to that -- as long as one doesn't have to wear the shoes during, because I do believe that barefoot is best.

Pregnancy and childbirth, aging, disease, and other factors can weaken the pelvic muscles. Certain exercise regimens help, but the doctor who led the study theorizes that wearing two-inch high heels may be enough to eliminate the need for such exercise.

Shoe designer Manolo Blahnik was quoted as saying, "I think there's a limit, though. Anything over four-and-a-half inches is just too much. You can't walk properly; it's no longer elegant." No wonder so many women love their Manolos.

I have no problem wearing two-inch heels, and would wear them all day long if I thought they were improving not only my general health but my prospects for a decent love life.

While TWISTED LINGUISTICS was laboring over today's menu of Words Gone Wild, after a period of staring and snorting and itching and staring some more, a sort of gestalt to them all slowly began to emerge. And you know what happens when that happens. Story Time!

The Words:

what kinda browsie you use
routin' for the team
makes know differents' who you are
substance abuse is a decease that is treatable
some knid of fetish

Their Story:

It makes know differents' who you are (because you're already aware that you're odd) -- when you have the urge, you're going to check out everyhigns and choise a partner. This can be a problem if you have some knid of fetish (that hasn't yet been combed or shampooed out) causing you to have nighttime emmissons for someone supposenly dead, but when you're jonesing for absue, be mindful that substance (and corpse) abuse is a decease that is treatable. It is perhaps controverial (which is not to say it's venereal, but you should still use protection) but, no matter what kinda browsie you use, your goal is to captcha a wholre psot and score. Just don't forget that not every higns is a good higns. There is a verson (if not a daughter limerick) of the pas de deux of love that can be aggervaing when everybody's starving after Math homework and standing around on the road drawing maps and routin' for the team, aggering their pom-poms in vain, yelling "O, let there be pi!" But considering reduculas and blue guitars, as absurd as it seems, just remember -- you're the knid. Piolet and captcha!


Hale McKay said...

So does this mean that Gene Simmons had more than just that famous tongue going for him?

Hmmm .. it must be the shoes!

VE said...

Then there was Elvis the Pelvis. Imagine how high his shoes must have been for that nickname...

Serena Joy said...

Apparently so, Mike. Apparently so.:D

I'd never thought of that before, VE, but you're absolutely right.:-)

Charles said...

"Captcha" isn't really a misspelled word. Its an acronym for "Completely Automatic Public Turing Test to Tell Computers and Humans Apart."

Serena Joy said...

Is that for real, Charles?:)

Kanrei said...

So I need to wear more high-heels for better sex. I was trying to wear heels while high, but have had a hard time getting out my front door. What size heel should I wear? I am 6'3 and would like to get out of my normal sized doorway.

Charles said...


Serena Joy said...

I'm not sure, Kan, but I believe the advice applies more to women than to men -- although men will surely reap the benefits. Just in case I'm wrong, though, I think you should stick to heels less than 2" high. And maybe stay high. That way, the doorway won't seem so daunting.:)

Serena Joy said...

Boy, I learn something new every day, Charles. Thanks for the info. Although I'd never heard the word, that wasn't the context in which it was used at the site from which I captured it.:)

Charles said...

Oh. My bad then. That would make it like using then/than and even from what I've seen, thin, in the wrong context. We do English the old fashioned way, wrong.

Serena Joy said...

No bad at all! I learned something. And pray that there's never a shortage of good old-fashioned bad English. Life would be way less fun if that happened.:-)

Sling said...

Two inch heels are perfect!..
At my age,I just don't think I could climb four inchers.

wholre:One step above a partial slut.

Anonymous said...

So does this mean that Richard Simmons had more than just that famous hair going for him?

Could it be the shoes? Hmmm?

oh, and great story, serena(!) :)

¤ ¤ ¤


Serena Joy said...

LMAO at your take on wholre, Sling. I think you've nailed it.:D

Oh, /t., if only I could have Richard Simmons's hair, I'd never again have to worry about my love life. Well, of course not -- I'd be too busy absueing my hair. Nope, it's not the shoes. It's all about the hair. Glad you liked the, er, story.:D

Skunkfeathers said...

Visually, I've always thought two inch heels got it done. Cruciverbally, I didn't go beyond splendiferous contextually, but I leads something of a sheltered life hyarbouts..

Serena Joy said...

LOL! You do have a way with words, Skunkfeathers. Regardless of heel height, it's splendiferous!:)