Monday, March 17, 2008

Call Me Not

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If you're sick and tired of telemarketers, here's a list of some possible come-back lines for you the next time your peace is disturbed by one of them.

- Sorry, I'm in a body cast right now. I got shot robbing a bank last week. Call me back next week, though. I still have my gun and should be back in business and have some more money by then.

- Hey! How are thee calling me? I am Amish and do not have a phone. Your voice is coming through clearly on this tomato I was about to chop, though. It's a miracle!

- This is Father Damien and we can't take calls right now. We're in the middle of an exorcism. Oh, God help us, I have to go now. She's puking pea soup again.

- Oh, thank God you called! Can you call the Pentagon, please? We're being held hostage by aliens here.

- You want to sell me WHAT? Hold on, let me ask the voices.

- Can you call back in about 12 hours? We’re having sex and I think we’re finally getting the hang of it.

- Get off my effin’ line, my house is burning down and I'm trying to call 911!

- Hello, who is this? I’m a detective and this is a crime scene, lady. I’ll need to know your name, address, phone number, how you knew the victim, and where you were last night. I’ll be around to interview you in half an hour, so don’t even think about leaving your desk.

- You have a very sexy voice. So, what’s your sign? Are you as hot as you sound? Can I call you? Give me your number, baby, so I can call you after you get off work. Ooo, I bet you smell good. Do you wear stockings or pantyhose? God, I can't get over your voice. I'm taking off my...


There are calls I do want to get -- like from prospective employers. I put in about half a dozen online applications last night for freelance editing work. I also took an "evaluation test." I had 30 minutes in which to answer 42 multiple-choice questions, which I did in 20. All I know so far is that I have "sharp editing skills." Wish me luck.

Oh, and ... Happy St. Patrick's Day!

15 comments:

G-Man said...

This is the truth!!!
Whenever I get a telemarketer, I talk in a very-low raspy voice and say....
"uh oh, ahh..Oh hello can you call back in a few? My girl-frind just got her tongue pierced, and she's right now showing me why....CLICK!!

Works every time!!!

You have sharp editing skills
You have sharp fashion sense
You have sharp shopping skills
You have a very sharp wit..

Not to mention the fact that you are very stylish, creative, classy, stylish and beautiful...did I mention sexy?

This is the motivation needed to get you out of your rut..Carpe Diem!!!

xoxbgxoxox

Hale McKay said...

Hello? Listen, can you do me a favor? Give me your home telephone number and the time you sit down for dinner and I'll call you back then. Thank you.

This one works too.

Serena Joy said...

Pierced tongues are gross, Galen. I'm afraid I wouldn't be able to fight the compulsion to sic telemarketers on 'em.:D I know, I need out of my rut. It's been a damned comfortable rut, though.:)

That one should work VERY well, Mike.:)

VE said...

Good repsonses! I always say "Hey Buddy...you're calling a damn phone booth in the Bronx!"

Kanrei said...

Comedian Jim Norton plays with them often and releases the tapes. My favorite was the carpet cleaning service. He asked if they could remove blood, lots of blood and come quickly and ask no questions. He wanted the person on the phone to come and only that person, for him to tell no one, bring a van, and he was willing to pay cash if he did.

Serena Joy said...

That's a very good one, VE. LOL.:)

I'm not familiar with that, Kan, but it sounds hilarious.:)

Charles said...

I was always disappointed with the tele-zapper device. It never would zap any of those telemarketers.

Charles said...

Your vid yesterday sent me on a quest. Found this this afternoon, 30 some different renditions.

Hale McKay said...

I forgot to wish you a Happy St. Patrick's Day this morning. Here's a toast from me mug of beer:
[jjj]D

Also, want to know how St. Patty's is celebrated in the South. Cletis Clyde shows you how -

Redneck Style.

Skunkfeathers said...

You have the skills you need to be an asset as an online editor!

As for telemouseketeers, there are some great suggestions hyar. I use this tact:

1. I don't answer the phone; my voice mail does.

2. If you are willing to listen to the Three Stooges and then leave a message, ya soitenly get a call back, nyuk nyuk nyuk!

3. Otherwise, you hear either:

Shemp: I once hadda granny who searched every nook and cranny, hahahaha..
Moe: I did to, you know what she found?
Shemp: What?
Moe: *eye poke*

Or:

*clang*
Curly: Oh look...you bent the chisel.
Moe: I'll straighten that...
Curly: nyuk nyuk nyuk *CLANG* OW!

Or:

Curly: What's this stuff for, anyway?
Moe: It's..
Larry: Why, it's a cleaner, you chump!
Curly: I know, it's auto polish!
Moe: You boys really wanna know what it's for?
Curly/Larry: Yeah!
Moe: IT'S FOR SALE, NOW GET BUSY SELLIN' IT..*BONK*..OW...*UMPH* OW!

I don't get many messages left ;)

Indigo said...

Love it, love it LOVE IT! :)

Serena Joy said...

Charles, I find that a whistle zaps them pretty well, too. I've used mine a couple of times.:) Thanks for the link to that site. I didn't realize so MANY people had recorded the song.

Happy St. Paddy's to you, too, Mike. I'll be around to see Cletis's take on the situation as soon as I can.:)

LOL, Skunkfeathers. I'll bet that drives 'em nuts. I love it!:)

Thanks, Indigo. Do try one next time you get a telemarketer and see what happens.:)

Corn Dog said...

My significant other yells "huh" into the phone when a telemarketer calls. He is so loud and does it repeatedly. The telemarketer always gives up first.

/t. said...

all
good

but i have
my own quick & effective response that is none too creative, but a real time saver

f¢¤• you
[click]

and to serena joy, a happy day this tuesday before easter :)

¤ ¤ ¤

/t.

Serena Joy said...

I've tried that, CD. Unfortunately, it irritated me more than it did the telemarketer.:)

Your technique is succinct and to the point, /t. Maybe I'll just try that next time. Happy Tuesday!:)