Monday, February 04, 2008

Serena on Aging

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As I age, I see (without my glasses) many things more clearly than I did when I was young. For example:

• When an older lady accidentally belches – or worse – she need only direct an accusatory gaze toward someone nearby and raise a disapproving brow and that person is ipso facto assumed to be the guilty party.

• Aging belles may with near impunity pig out on their favorite junk food until their eyes bulge and bellies bloat because, really, who’s looking?

• Senior females may obliterate with blistering glances and caustic comments any- and everything which displeases them. It seems to be a perk of cronedom that is expected of them.

• By the same token, older ladies can get away with saying things they wouldn’t have dreamed of uttering out loud 20 years ago (when it would have been dismissed as catty). There seems to be some rule which grants gently aging ladies an almost sovereign right to “speak frankly.”

• Ladies with a little age on them have a duty to get it right. Young twits can say any kind of twaddle they want and get away with it, but when an older woman says something, she’d damn well better make sure it’s correct.

• If an older woman gets a little heavy-handed with the eyeliner, the young turks just assume unsteady hand and leave her alone. This does not mean that lipstick may be worn on the chin. That always attracts the wrong kind of attention.

• Women of a certain age don’t have to worry so much about firm abs. I mean, who the hell is looking?

• They say that ladies of a certain age should refrain from dressing too young. I don’t buy that so much. I say do it as long as you can get away with it. But remember, to do so means no lipstick on the chin and no support hose. Also, if you get those pesky varicose veins and liver spots, just tattoo them.

• Ah, yes, remembering. That does become a problem as the years pile on. I suppose that as long as you can remember your name and the way home, everything else will fall into place.

• Whatever gravity is pulling on, pull it the other way, hike it up, suck it in, and carry on. And if you find you can't reverse gravity, fake heart palpitations, set your hair on fire, shave your eyebrows -- anything to divert attention from the falling parts. And if you have to sacrifice something to retain your youthful glow, don't think twice about it. Do it. If you're in, like, a cult that reveres giant turnips or something, don't sacrifice the turnip, but there's nothing wrong with throwing carrots or hominy or butterbeans to the dogs. And just so you know, vegetable sacrifices should always be made under full moons for full power.

• When it comes to older women and younger men, I think that’s just one more of those things that, if you can get away with it, do it! In fact, why not start up a whole harem of them?

• If you want to change your hair color, why the hell not? Who do you think is going to be examining your roots at your age?

• I don't know how many of these tips apply to you if you happen to be a man. Certainly not the ones involving lipstick and support hose. Eyeliner, maybe (Johnny Depp can certainly pull it off). And not the young twits. Men, even when they're a hundred years old, like those.

I think it would be an excellent idea for you to write me poetry today -- limericks, please, on the subject of older women.

And now TWISTED LINGUISTICS is going to let a little old lady take a few pokes at some Words Gone Wild.

timeling - Just a little bitty period of time.

publising - A baby pubic louse.

frinedships - Burning one's friends.

mater de - One's mother who is named ... Dee.

27 comments:

VE said...

Damn age...I forgot what I was going to comment on...

Charles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charles said...

I think that I shall never see
A woman over seventy
Who would bash her head upon a tree.

Darned eyes, and darned "I"s. That's my edit, and I'm sticking to it.

Kanrei said...

Those are good aspects of getting older as a woman. As a man, we age while women get old. =P

Charles said...

Kan is navigating dangerous waters. "Senior females may obliterate with blistering glances and caustic comments any- and everything which displeases them."

Actually, I don't know if any of tips apply to men, I think its expected that if someone does a reverse belch, its the old man, and old men that say things, even if they are correct and the truth, are just looked upon as crotchety. And I needn't remind you that old men are always right as long as they agree with the wife. As for memory, somewhere in midlife men are expected to have forgotten more than others will ever know. Hair color? If they still have it, it seems that in some cases grey is respected, in some cases its expected that lead based products be used. And old men aren't expected to dress young, but they are expected to dress, and are made fun of when they pull up their pants and the fly is closer to where the pocket should be, and out of respect for others they should pull their pants up. No one wants to be reminded of the great divide.

Serena Joy said...

I get that a lot, VE. Don't sweat it.:)

Yes, Charles, you stick to that story. As for me, I expect to see my brains bashed out well before I'm 70.:)

Kan, honey, aren't you just too cute.=P

Serena Joy said...

I think it's probably true that men excel at the reverse belches, Charles. But I only say that because I have not yet reached an age at which I can give it a try and see who salutes. I do like to see old men in pants, but I must say that when the waistband is pulled up to their necks, I get an almost irresistible impulse to pull them over their heads and smother them.:)

Roxan said...

There was a woman quite glamoury
except for her saggy mammory
so she rolled them up
and stuck em in her cups
now they look fine and dandery

Serena Joy said...

LOL, Roxan. At least that's one thing I don't have to worry about. I have no rollable mammaries.:-)

Pink said...

Oh dear.

As a single ageing woman...I hate to think NOBODY is looking ;)
xx
pinks

/t. said...

ha ha ha

you gotta love it
when young people try
to imagine what 'aged' might be like

well, try it again when you hit 30!

¤ ¤ ¤

/t.

Charles said...

I know /t. isn't talking about me, I'm well beyond a mere 30. Not as old as him, but...

Serena Joy said...

Not to worry, Pinks. They're still looking. They're just more surreptitious about it. Besides, you're still just a youngun.:)

/t., you sweet thing. Now you've got me sitting here trying to see if I can remember 30.:-)

It's okay, Charles. I'll let you borrow my rocking chair for a little while. If I can remember where it is.:)

Charles said...

Alright! A high speed ride this week, I hope my heart can take it. Is there a portable defibrillator around?

Serena Joy said...

Why, you're in luck, Charles. I do know where my portable defibrillator is. Unfortunately, I thought they were ping-pong paddles and they don't work so good no more. But you're STILL in luck, because I still have that paddle I used with the tiger that time I ran away with the circus. I'm sure there's still a good heart-starting whack left in it. If it's a high-speed ride you're looking for, there's a tricked out walker, a real chopper, down at the Goodwill. If you can beat me there, you get dibs.:)

snowelf said...

I'm growing old gracefully. And I don't wear lipstick, so I think I can pull it off for a long time... ;)

--snow

Serena Joy said...

Graceful is the key, Snow. Keep up the good work.:)

puerileuwaite said...

There was a pert redhead so smug
Who had a few years on the Pug
Though he didn't mind
As she was sexy and kind
Forgiving when he pood on the rug

G-Man said...

On the delicate subject of aging,
A beautiful Redhead was raging,
But it just didn't matter,
Her man list grew fatter,
Because she was sexy, demure, and engaging!!!

Toujours Rouge...Toujours!
xoxbgxoxox

Serena Joy said...

Puggy, poo on the rug often sends me to the point of unforgiving, but you I will forgive. Just don't do it again or I'll have to whack your little butt.:)

There is much redeeming social value in your limerick, Galen; i.e., I love it. Toujours. Oui.

Anonymous said...

Older women and younger men. Works for me. It's coming up on 18 years for us and we still have run-away-honeymoon-weekends.

Lucy

Serena Joy said...

I know, Miz Lucy. I guess I have to quit referring to him as your boy-toy now, don't I?:)

Mona said...

uh oh... this aging seems such a sensitive topic here...

Paul Newman is soooo sexy!

Serena Joy said...

Nah, Mona, I'm not sensitive about it. I'm just amazed that I've lived this long. LOL. You BETCHA Paul Newman is mondo sexy.:)

Camille Alexa said...

Hey. I've been doing most of those maneuvers since I was a teen.

Serena Joy said...

Me, too, Camille. It's all a part of the aging process that begins in the cradle.:)

Hale McKay said...

In Never Land you might not age, But here in Ever land I'm sage.