Serena on Aging

As I age, I see (without my glasses) many things more clearly than I did when I was young. For example:

• When an older lady accidentally belches – or worse – she need only direct an accusatory gaze toward someone nearby and raise a disapproving brow and that person is ipso facto assumed to be the guilty party.

• Aging belles may with near impunity pig out on their favorite junk food until their eyes bulge and bellies bloat because, really, who’s looking?

• Senior females may obliterate with blistering glances and caustic comments any- and everything which displeases them. It seems to be a perk of cronedom that is expected of them.

• By the same token, older ladies can get away with saying things they wouldn’t have dreamed of uttering out loud 20 years ago (when it would have been dismissed as catty). There seems to be some rule which grants gently aging ladies an almost sovereign right to “speak frankly.”

• Ladies with a little age on them have a duty to get it right. Young twits can say any kind of twaddle they want and get away with it, but when an older woman says something, she’d damn well better make sure it’s correct.

• If an older woman gets a little heavy-handed with the eyeliner, the young turks just assume unsteady hand and leave her alone. This does not mean that lipstick may be worn on the chin. That always attracts the wrong kind of attention.

• Women of a certain age don’t have to worry so much about firm abs. I mean, who the hell is looking?

• They say that ladies of a certain age should refrain from dressing too young. I don’t buy that so much. I say do it as long as you can get away with it. But remember, to do so means no lipstick on the chin and no support hose. Also, if you get those pesky varicose veins and liver spots, just tattoo them.

• Ah, yes, remembering. That does become a problem as the years pile on. I suppose that as long as you can remember your name and the way home, everything else will fall into place.

• Whatever gravity is pulling on, pull it the other way, hike it up, suck it in, and carry on. And if you find you can't reverse gravity, fake heart palpitations, set your hair on fire, shave your eyebrows -- anything to divert attention from the falling parts. And if you have to sacrifice something to retain your youthful glow, don't think twice about it. Do it. If you're in, like, a cult that reveres giant turnips or something, don't sacrifice the turnip, but there's nothing wrong with throwing carrots or hominy or butterbeans to the dogs. And just so you know, vegetable sacrifices should always be made under full moons for full power.

• When it comes to older women and younger men, I think that’s just one more of those things that, if you can get away with it, do it! In fact, why not start up a whole harem of them?

• If you want to change your hair color, why the hell not? Who do you think is going to be examining your roots at your age?

• I don't know how many of these tips apply to you if you happen to be a man. Certainly not the ones involving lipstick and support hose. Eyeliner, maybe (Johnny Depp can certainly pull it off). And not the young twits. Men, even when they're a hundred years old, like those.

I think it would be an excellent idea for you to write me poetry today -- limericks, please, on the subject of older women.

And now TWISTED LINGUISTICS is going to let a little old lady take a few pokes at some Words Gone Wild.

timeling - Just a little bitty period of time.

publising - A baby pubic louse.

frinedships - Burning one's friends.

mater de - One's mother who is named ... Dee.