Friday, November 23, 2007

Miss's Mailbox


Dear Miss Begotten,
Can a Southern Belle and a Damn Yankee ever find love and happiness together? Would their ideologies stand in the way, or is passion enough to carry them through?
- G-man

Dear G-man,
It is theoretically possible, provided that said damn Yankee's great-great grandfather had no hand in burning down said Southern belle's ancestral home and stealing her peoples' silver, cattle, and mules. As long as that stumbling block doesn't lie in the way, I see no reason why yankees and Southern girls, striped people and polka-dotted folks, green men and pink women, yada-yada, can't find love and happiness with each other. As long as they're not of a mind to club each other, I think they can co-exist quite well. And, indeed, probably fairly passionately if that's what's on their minds.

Idealogy, now, is a whole 'nother story. More people have clubbed each other over opposing idealogies than they ever have over love and passion. Therefore, the rule of thumb when cruising for love is to be very, very sure that your views and his or hers aren't at such polar odds that they're going to start a war that neither can win.

And then -- and then there are those people who should never, on pain of firing squad, ever get together under any circumstances because their wildly diverse passions could ignite a conflagration of epic proportions.

I don't know which category I fit into. I think I used to know, but those days are gone with the wind. The answer, my friend, is blowing in the wind.

Dear Miss Begotten,
Why does possession have 2 S's after the letter E but the word occasion only has one after A?
- Konfused Kat

Dear Kat,
Because the person who made up that rule was possessed by the evil grammar demons who took it upon themselves to mess with the alphabet and thought it would be a joyous occasion to make up a rule that would drive people berserk for many years to come.

If you have a question for Miss to answer next week, send it in.

I hope you all had a nice Thanksgiving. I myself am still feeling stuffed and slightly turkey-comatose.

This didn't come to me in the form of a question, so it doesn't fit into the Mailbox. It could fit quite well into TWISTED LINGUISTICS, but we aren't going to play with it. What it is, is spam I found in my spam folder yesterday. It struck me as hilarious, so I thought I'd share it with you. And who knows, somebody just might be looking for an Olga.

Write to you the woman from Russia. My name is Olga. And I'm 26 years old! I want to find the man for serious relation in your country. I am ready for creation family and want it very much. I cannot find the man in Russia for myself because it very difficultly in Russia. It is a lot of men in Russia who drink alcohol much and I'm not like it.

I want to create family and to live in your country because the government to care about people. I want to live and be sure in the future. In Russia it is not possible to live easy. I want to tell about myself a little. I live in city Yoshkar-Ola. It's 1000 km from capital of Russia Moscow. My city small and very beautiful. I work as the seller in shop home appliances. I'm cheerful woman who like to go for sports and do all what like are usual peoples.

My history: I'm with my girlfriend were going to go in your country as tourists for search of men for serious relations. But my girlfriend could not go with me. She had problems with your family. But very soon I will receive visa and I don't want to lose a chance to arrive in your country. I will receive visa in 7 days for your country. Now I'm in Moscow also and waiting for reception of my visa. It will be great if you can meet me and we can to have relations with you. I'm understand that it very strange, but probably it's desteny for you and me. I understand that you will ask me "Where did you get my e-mail?" I'm right??? ;) Ok, I got your e-mail through internet dating agency in my city. I gave them my letter and they told me that they will send my letter for 4-5 men. And I will be very happy if YOU will answer to me.

I will be very happy you will write me and we will have our meeting very soon. And it is possible we a meeting in 7 days because I can arrive to you. Please tell to me about yourself a little! What is your full name? Your age? City? I send to you my photo with hope that you will like it and answer to me back...
I will wait your answer so much...
Write to me on e-mail: olga_81_olga@bk.ru
Yours new friend Olga

Well, now. Number 1, if I registered with any dating agency, Russian or otherwise, it must have happened when I was in some kind of fugue state. Number 2, I am not up for serious or any other kind of relations with Olga and/or her girlfriend. And Number 3, if I ever do sign up for internet dating, it will be with an English-speaking agency to alleviate any chances of my ending up with an Olga. Sheesh.

Speaking of TWISTED LINGUISTICS, we do, in fact, have a few Words Gone Wild for you today.

I define:

momento - A non-memorable Mexican moment that's not keepsake-worthy.

vice verse - Bawdy poetry.

be poplar - Make like a tree.

coem - Orgasmic verse.

You define:

Democaratic party

geomtrically

County's like China and Russia

GIGO Grammar:
he has ran
they have went

13 comments:

Roxan said...

What did your family do to that poor girl? You should all be ashamed picking on poor little Russian girls.
rotf
She's looking for "the man".

And what are YOU doing on internet dating site? LOL

Charles said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Charles said...

Democaratic party - festivities celebrating the weight standard of diamonds being shown in action. The more the merrier.

geomtrically - the methods of trickery on maps.

Add this to Words Gone Wild: ingnite.

Charles said...

As to the Olga letter, can you say: "phishing for identity information for ID theft?" if you lookup the originating IP address of the email, it may not even go to Russia, I'd guess somewhere in Africa, if it didn't come from Russia.

Serena Joy said...

I swear I've never been on one, Roxan -- which is why I found that so hysterically funny.:)

Good job on "democaratic," Charles. And good catch on -- "ingnite." LOL! This is what happens when I fail to do a spell check. Ingnite -- that time after dark when it's good to open a brokerage account.:-) I didn't even bother tracking "Olga." I'm sure half the people in the free world got (and deleted) the same spam.

puerileuwaite said...

Serena, thank you for passing on Olga's letter, as unfortunately I always seem to get passed over for Spam. Thanks as well for allowing me to respond.

***

Dear Olga,

Forgive me, as I am new to meeting Russian women, and am quite nervous.

Being just a young pup myself, 26 is at the extreme outer limit of potential mates. But at least you are old enough to legally purchase Vodka for our date nights. But not to worry, as I only use alcohol as a "social lubricant" (and also not to worry, as I no longer confuse it with any other lubricants).

The one other exception to my "no one over 25" rule would be Serena, but I have a sneaky suspicion that she may already be married and also - not from Asia. So reluctantly I - like many other prudent Americans - must pursue "offshore resources" in order to accomplish my objectives.

I too am interested in creating a family, and rest assured this time it has nothing to do with free love, communes, or posing as a Messianic figure. This time I want to go about it the right way, with the right girl, from the right dating service.

Tell me more about yourself: are you a former gymnast a la Olga Korbut? If so, your prowess on the uneven bars could "dismount" this Pug from bars of a different sort.

I also sell appliances, yet there is much I can learn from you. Maybe we can work together, and talk about our new life together on one of our 2-15-minute breaks each day.

Please continue to write to me through Serena, as this will serve as a periodic reminder of what she could have had with THIS Dr. Strangelove.

Adoringly yours,
Pug Puerileuwaite
The Csar of Love

Serena Joy said...

Puggy, I live to serve. If I've in some small way facilitated the joyous union of you and Olga, then I am happy. I cannot fathom how you found out I'm over 25, but it's true enough that I am not Asian. I do, however, know 2 Russian words. Anyway ... I'll be pleased to continue to serve as a conduit between you and Olga. All I ask in return is one of the pups.:-)

Charles said...

What makes me think
((#Receivers > #deletions)
AND
(#Receivers - #deletions = #Fools))= TRUE?
Pug's got those big moon-eyes for Olga. hahaha.
Somebody's in rut.
да?
нет?

G-Man said...

"...Scarlet, you need to be kissed, and kissed often. By someone that knows how!"..xxxxx

Dear Miss Begotten,
There's a Full Moon tonight, and in lieu of past Full Moon occurances, should I do anything 'special' these next few days?..xobgxox

Serena Joy said...

Heh. You know, Galen, that reminds me of something this fellow named Rhett once said.:)

Never fear, Miss will provide you with a Full Moon Primer next week.
xoxo

Top cat said...

That was my theory too!lol
tc

Serena Joy said...

Since we both had the theory, TC, then it must be true.:-)

Mona said...

LOL! @ Olga!

Now I wonder If Chekhov was a drunkard...

Poor Olga...