Miss's Mailbox

Dear Miss Begotten,
Do you believe people are actually abducted by aliens?
- Klatu

Dear, um, Klatu,
I believe in people -- or rather, I believe there are people. I believe abductions occur every day. I believe some things are alien to me. I believe people get abducted, which is an alien concept to normal people. Do I believe intelligent beings from other planets abduct Earthlings to experiment on them? Well, no. I mean, if someone is smart enough to figure out how to travel light years from their home, why would they want to waste time playing doctor with us? Why would they go to the trouble of catching us and then throw us back? Nope, I don't think so. Which is not to say I would be averse to performing some experiments on some alien people.

I hereby promise to let you know post haste if I ever get abducted by aliens from anywhere, any species. Then we'll know for sure.

Dear Miss Begotten,
How much is diddly-squat?
- Bo

Dear Bo,
To my understanding, it is precisely nothing. Diddly-squat is much more fun to say, however, than a plain old nothing. Or zilch. Zero. Zip. Nada. Bupkis. Goose eggs. Diddly-squat is a much more colorful colloquialism. Which would you rather say -- "That ugly woman ain't worth a crap" or "That two-broomstick witch from the Outlands ain't worth diddly-squat and that is a fact, Mac."

I didn't actually have a clue as to when or why diddly-squat came into usage in the first place, so I went Googling for it.

One site, which spells it as one unhyphenated word, says it means: n. - a small worthless amount; akin to "You don't know jack."

Another site, which does hyphenate it, defines it as slang, meaning a small or worthless amount [alteration of diddlyshit].

And there you have it.

Dear Miss Begotten,
I know I have nine lives but how old are you before it can be said you died of old age?
- One Cool Top Cat

Dear OCTC,
Congratulations on your longevity! But -- are you asking how old I'd have to be to die of old age? When I was 6, I'd have said I'd have been old and dead by the time I was 20. When I was 20, the prediction shot up to 40. At 40 -- well, you get the picture. Nowadays, I just don't know. Miss B kinda-sorta plans to go out with a bang when she's about 100. If I had nine lives, I guess that would make it age 900. Would I want to live that long? Not on your life! And especially not on all nine of them. This, of course, does not definitively answer your question.

Why don't we take an average Joe's live-span of approximately 80 years and multiply it by 9. That gives us 720 years. Let's deduct 10 years per lifetime for catastrophic maiming, 10 for deadly illness, 20 for aggravation, and 10 for normal wear and tear. That's a total of 450 years. Subtracted from 720, that gives us a mean death age of 270. Divide that by 9 and you get 30 years per lifetime. That ain't bad for a cat!

*Disclaimer: Miss Begotten flunked Math.

If you have a question for next week's Mailbox, send it in to Miss B.

You guys are sitting on the TWISTED LINGUISTICS jury today. That's right -- you're going to be the word mavens who define these Words Gone Wild.






witch's teet
illiness's
balnace
toldly wrong
when i went to die i didn't buy anything
richier

Your Karaoke Theme Song is "Margaritaville"

You are a true party animal, but your style is mild and chill. Kicking back with a few friends and a few drinks is all you need to be happy. You certainly don't feel pressured to be a part of any party scene. In fact, you avoid trendier spots. You've been known to kick loose anywhere and everywhere. All you need is a cooler. You might also sing: "Gin and Juice," "Love Shack," and "Red Red Wine" Stay away from people who sing: "Wind Beneath My Wings"

What's Your Karaoke Theme Song?